In Disrepair
by Unleashthefalcon
Summary: Sequel to "Your Mess Is Mine". Hayley has been gone for over a year, but when they finally find her, she can't remember a thing about what happened in the last year. Where was she? Who was behind it? What had she done? During a time of dishonesty within SHIELD, a world on the brink of chaos, the past is never truly in the past. Steve x OC. TWS / Original Plot
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! I have the sequel to _Your Mess Is Mine_ right here!  
Please review at the end of the chapter and let me know what you guys think, I love hearing from you all and I hope you enjoy xx

* * *

 **I. Vancouver**

* * *

 _Day Two_

Steve marched down the corridor of the Triskellion, his hands balled into fists, readying himself for Fury's explanation. It seemed that Fury was awaiting the angry super solider as well, arms folded as he stood by his window. Unfazed by the sound of Steve slamming the door behind him.

"Why does it taking me asking for you to send a team out?" Steve demanded.

"I needed information on _where_ to send them," Fury spoke smoothly. "We don't know if this is a missing person, a kidnapping or a hostage situation. I've got three teams out there looking, three teams more than I would send for anyone else,"

"Anyone else wouldn't have been on that mission,"

"Hayley O'Connor chose to take on that mission," Fury shook his head. "I know you're close to this issue, but do not twist that fact,"

"This never should have happened," Steve continued angrily. "If _anything_ happens to her-"

"I've got every available resource on finding her," Fury interjected. "Around the whole damn world, I have eyes searching for her."

"I want to talk to the team she was with,"

"They've been debriefed and questioned, it's all recorded,"

"I want to talk to them myself," Steve shook his head.

Fury looked over at the soldier, knowing that there was nothing he could say that would satisfy him. Steve Rogers was SHIELD's biggest asset, and right now he was calling the shots, no matter what Fury told himself. The Director knew what that woman meant to him and there was nothing that would get in the way of Steve searching for her.

* * *

 _Day thirty one_

"We need to check Germany again," Steve insisted.

"Whereabouts in Germany?" an agent asked. "We've scoured every possible SHIELD base, safe-house and mission HQ there,"

"You've got files on SHIELD enemies in Germany, check there,"

The four agents in the room looked between one another in frustration, a look that didn't go unnoticed by Steve. But he didn't care. They could complain all they wanted about these search missions, but as long as he was in charge, they were going to follow his orders.

"The jet will be leaving in thirty minutes, get what you need," he advised.

Once the agents had left, Steve turned and hung his head low. He couldn't remember the last thing his mind wasn't in pain. Headaches plagued him no matter what he did to try and stop them. Every spare moment he had was spent thinking about finding her.

Fury had given him his own team of twelve agents to assist in finding Hayley, but that team was only his for sixty days, and so far they had found nothing. They were running out of options.

A vibration in his pocket pulled Steve from his thoughts, lifting out his cell phone and seeing a message from Blake. The man was in France chasing down a possible lead, but if there was even a hint of getting closer to finding Hayley, Steve knew Blake wouldn't have sent it through as a text. So he wasn't surprised when he opened the message to words that made his heart sink even further.

 _Nothing._

* * *

 _Day one hundred and nine_

Steve looked at his calendar and thought of the plans he had for that day.

Book the restaurant, wrap the necklace he had bought so long ago, make sure she woke up with kisses and breakfast and laughter.

But those were plans he had made a long time ago. A time when he thought that there was nothing in this world that would keep him from spending it with her or making it just as special as she deserved.

Instead he sat at his kitchen bench, his eyes red from lack of sleep and welled-up tears, staring up at the calendar that had managed to make every one of his days that much longer and lonelier.

"Happy birthday Hayley,"

* * *

 _Day one hundred and fifty_

Steve wished he could visit Hayley's parents more often. The pain he was feeling was shared by them, and yet he couldn't seem to face them. Maybe it was the guilt. He felt like every time they looked at him they wondered when he was going to bring their daughter back home, when he was going to find her, when he was going to fix all of this.

But in reality they considered him family, and having him around kept Hayley's memory alive. Not that anyone had ever brought up the possibility of her being truly gone, it always played on the back of their minds.

"Little man's out," Blake sighed, walking in and taking his seat again at the table.

Blake and Laura's son Bobby was almost three months old and the spitting image of his father. His middle name was Nicholas, a fact that they all knew Hayley would be over the moon about. They all wished she could be here and watch him grow. She was his god mother, Blake and Laura had always insisted on that. Even if she never did come home, that would never change.

Steve had held the baby three times. Each time he pictured the life he imagined with Hayley. Although they both had discussed the fact that a family life would never work with what they wanted to do in life, it didn't change the fact that when Steve thought about being a father, it was always with Hayley.

"Are you sure you can't stay another night?" Frances pushed, reaching over to lay her hand on top of Steve's. "You're welcome here always, you know that,"

"I appreciate it, I really do," Steve smiled softly. "But I've got to get back,"

"You need to take care of yourself too," David reminded.

"I know, and I am," Steve lied with another smile.

It was after dinner when Blake had a moment alone with Steve. They were out on the porch, looking out at the neighbourhood and listening to the children riding their bikes around the streets. Everything seemed so normal.

"It doesn't feel great coming back here, does it?" Blake asked, leaning against the porch railing next to Steve.

"I want to be here for them," Steve explained. "I wish I could come by more..."

"But it hurts," Blake nodded. "It's okay. I feel that way too. I can't even look at the stairs because I know her room's right at the top next to my other best friend, and both of them aren't here,"

"I'm going to find her," Steve assured. "I don't care how long it takes,"

"You can't put all of that pressure on yourself. It'll kill you,"

Steve shook his head, almost laughing.

"It can try,"

* * *

 _Day one hundred and seventy eight._

It was hard to stop counting. Steve had tried to cease tallying how many days it had been since he laid his eyes on her, since he last heard her voice, since he had been told she was missing. But he couldn't stop.

Every morning he woke up wondering if today he was going to find something. In fifteen cities all around the world, Steve had people looking for her. SHIELD had tried to persuade him to stop looking, knowing that it was taking it's toll on the super soldier in not only his personal life, but professional. Keeping his mind on the mission was fine while he was out there, but he didn't have the same drive as he used to.

"You're never going to stop looking, are you?" Natasha had asked as they sat silently in the back of a jet one day.

"Would you?" he questioned.

It was the same response he gave everyone. If the person they loved the most in this world disappeared, would they ever stop searching for them? Steve wouldn't.

"How do you know she's still out there?" the spy prodded again.

"I don't,"

And Steve continued to count.

Every night as he looked out at the streets below, remembering doing the exact same thing with Hayley by his side, he wondered where she was. She was his last thought every night and his first thought every morning.

Steve had lost so many people in his life, but he had never lost someone that he knew he could get back.

* * *

 _Day three hundred and seventy three_

It was a New Year.

A year that was officially being spent without a trace of Hayley.

Steve had spent Christmas in Chicago with the O'Connors, watching Bobby enjoy his first ever holiday. It was something that they all knew Hayley should have been here for. Bobby's first Christmas would forever be clouded by the fact his aunt Hayley wasn't there.

Frances had cried during dinner and David had silently joined her, but overall they tried to keep it light and just be thankful for one another. It was hard, but Steve had been glad he visited. He stayed for two nights, making sure David had enough firewood to last another month until Steve would return and restock their supply.

"Hey Steve," Laura called, walking over to him in the living room. "Here's a little something from me and Blake. You don't have to look through it now, but I managed to get into Hayley's phone and...well, I thought you'd appreciate having a collection you can keep,"

Steve accepted the small book into his hands, noticing it was plastic, feeling the rectangular pieces of photographs inside. He couldn't keep from lifting the cover open, his lips instantly tugging up into a beaming grin at the first picture.

It was Hayley, licking a chocolate ice cream cone, with the sweet treat running down her hands and all over her face. She looked like a child, but smiled as if there was nothing to be ashamed of at all. Because when Hayley enjoyed something, she did it to the fullest. He remembered taking the photo when they were spending the day in Brooklyn on their many visits, proving to Hayley that he could navigate her cell phone camera.

Blake stood off to the side with Bobby in his arms, smiling over at Steve as he watched his reaction. The next few pages were filled with photos of Hayley and Steve together, in the photos that Hayley herself had taken during their time together. And on the very last page, there was the last photo they had taken together, and they had written next to it _"to be continued..."_

* * *

 _Day four hundred and thirty five._

Hayley's eyes couldn't adjust to the brightness of the world outside. It was too harsh, too intense.

"Watch it!" a man yelled as she ran into his side.

Dazed and disoriented, she steered herself away from the sidewalk, stumbling out into the open, away from the never-ending bodies that occupied the busy street.

She couldn't remember where she had walked from, how she had gotten here, or where on Earth she was. Nothing felt real except the hard sun on her skin and the piercing noise of honking horns and screaming voices.

"Get off the road!" they yelled angrily.

"She's drunk!"

"Will someone get her out of the fucking way!"

Then Hayley felt hands on her shoulders, pulling her back to the sidewalk. She tried to push them away, but she could barely open her eyes to see who they were or what they were trying to do.

"Hey, are you alright?" a woman asked, leaning down to get Hayley's attention.

"Where am I?" Hayley asked in a breathless, panicked voice.

The woman could see just how much Hayley was shaking with fear, how tense her body was and how she was desperately trying to shield her eyes.

"Have you taken something?"

"Where am I?" Hayley asked again more forcefully.

"You're in Vancouver," the woman explained. "Did you hit your head? Are you hurt?"

Hayley put her hands up to cover her ears, crouching down against the pavement and squeezing her eyes closed. Nothing was making sense. The last thing she remembered was arriving in Russia. The cold breeze was fresh in her mind, but she was so far from that memory now.

"Someone call an ambulance!" the woman shouted to people passing by.

"She doesn't look well," someone noted.

"Where's she been? She's as pale as anything,"

Hayley tried to drown out everyone's questions with her own thoughts, keeping her eyes shut tight, rocking back and forth. It wasn't that the questions they were asking confused her, they were perfectly clear and valid, but what scared her the most was the fact she had no idea how to answer any of them. Was she okay? Maybe. Where had she been? She had absolutely no idea.

* * *

 _Day four hundred and thirty six_

Steve awoke in the early hours of the morning to a buzzing on his nightstand. He moved slowly, sitting up and preparing himself for another mission alert.

"Hello?" he greeted tiredly.

" _They found her in Vancouver,_ "


	2. Chapter 2

**II. One Year & Three Months**

* * *

A sandwich and a cup of water sat on the table in front of her, both untouched. The room was dimly lit at her own request, her eyes squeezing shut and cowering away from anything brighter than a dull light-bulb in the corner. Her head still ached and noises still echoed in her ears, but the team that brought her in to the Vancouver SHIELD headquarters needed some answers.

"Are you in pain?"

Hayley's eyes flickered up to the woman sitting across from her at the table. She wore thick, black glasses and had her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. She wore a blazer and pencil skirt, looking just as professional as any other psychologist. But Dr. Mackenzie Jackson had been specifically assigned to Hayley. Her areas of focus were trauma, abuse and suppressed memory.

"No," Hayley shook her head, her voice low.

"You're not thirsty? Hungry?" Mackenzie pressed.

Hayley looked back at the options in front of her.

"Can I have some ice?" she asked.

Mackenzie nodded with a smile, happy to oblige. Anything to get Hayley talking.

Once there was ice in her cup, Hayley sipped at the liquid slowly before chugging all of it down. She hadn't realized how thirsty she had been. The awful taste in her mouth began to disappear.

"Hayley, I have a few questions I'd like to ask you,"

"I really want to go home," Hayley admit. "I want to see my mom and dad,"

"You'll get to, as soon as you answer just a couple of questions for me," Mackenzie assured. "I promise I'll have you on a jet back home as soon as this is done,"

Hayley understood the process, but it still didn't feel right being the one answering the questions instead of asking. Nevertheless, if it got her home, she would do it.

"Okay," she agreed.

"Okay," Mackenzie smiled again. "First, can you tell me the first thing you remember happening today?"

Hayley thought, lowering her gaze. It embarrassed her to have to think about it. To have to really think about where she woke up and how she got there. It felt like she had been on a weekend bender.

"I...I remember the sun," she admit. "It was so hot and it was right in my eyes. I was in a restroom at a motel, but..."

Mackenzie could see Hayley thinking intently, pushing herself to remember.

"Hayley?" she asked, seeing the woman's eyes well up and her fingers dig into her arms.

"I don't know how I got there,"

Mackenzie scribbled on her notepad, looking back up at Hayley with concern.

"You have no memory of getting there?"

"No," Hayley shook her head. "I don't remember any of this,"

Mackenzie watched her for a moment, wondering if it would even be useful to ask the questions SHIELD needed to know. Where was she? How did she get to Vancouver? How did she remain missing for over a year?

"Hayley, what is the _last_ memory you have before waking up at the motel?"

This had been a thought on Hayley's mind all day. She tried to think what she remembered last, but it was like everything went blurry. She had moments, but they were all over the place.

"I got off the jet in Russia," she explained, still thinking. "I was with the team...and we were walking,"

"That's the last thing you remember?"

"Everything...it fades after that," she swallowed, her hands balling into fists as she thought long and hard about her memories. "And then the next thing that's clear to me...is waking up in the motel bathroom,"

Mackenzie nodded, putting her pen down and looking at Hayley with genuine worry.

"Do you know how long it's been since the mission?"

"Maybe a week? I don't know, it's hazy," Hayley admit, rubbing her temples.

Staring back at her, Mackenzie leaned onto the table closer, her voice coming out calmly and smoothly.

"Hayley, the mission in Russia took place one year and three months ago. You've been a missing person for over a year now,"

* * *

Steve arrived in Vancouver just after they had taken Hayley into questioning. Everything had been explained to him on the jet already, but once he saw the SHIELD officers at the headquarters, he had to ask again.

He needed to know exactly where they found her and how. After all this time, after searching the world for her, it had been bystanders on the streets of Vancouver that had found Hayley. It should have been him. He should have found her, he should have never stopped looking.

In the halls just outside the briefing room Hayley was being questioned in, Steve noticed another man standing. His eyes were locked on the door, his face fixed in concentration and anticipation. But his gaze soon moved toward the man walking closer, his shoulders sagging in relief as he walked over to hug his friend.

"I was already in Toronto when they called me," Blake explained. "I can't believe she's in there. She's right on the other side of that door,"

Steve hugged Blake back, both of them beyond relieved. They had been on this journey together, searching for Hayley all around the world and both putting the pressure on themselves to get her back safely. But in the end it was neither of them to find her. But she was here, and she was alive.

"How is she?" Steve asked when they pulled away.

Blake's soft grin began to disappear as he nodded, backing away to put his hands on his hips. He tried to say something, but he ended up just shaking his head and letting out a long sigh.

"The physical came back fine, she's healthy. But they warned me that she's frail," he explained. "And uh, she can't remember how she wound up in Vancouver. The woman who found her said she had no idea where she was and was standing in the middle of traffic,"

"Was she drugged?"

"Blood's being tested,"

Steve nodded and folded his arms, his jacket hugging tightly to his body as he too stared toward the door of the briefing room. Right behind those walls sat the woman he loved. The woman he hadn't seen in over a year and had thought about every single day.

It took almost an hour for the door to open. Blake and Steve had been standing outside in the hall patiently, watching as agents came and left, obviously not as anxious as the two men. Once he heard the doorknob turn, Steve's heart began beating rapidly.

Dr. Mackenzie stepped out first, a folder in her arms and a smile on her lips as she looked back at the woman following her into the hall.

Steve watched as Hayley stepped out of the room, but his smile was slowly fading. It was the woman he loved, but she was a shadow of who she used to be. Her body was thinner than Steve every imagined her to be, her skin was paler than a sheet and the darkness around her eyes made his heart sink in worry. His stomach was in knots, his anger fighting with his concern.

Blake was the first person Hayley laid her eyes on and neither of them hesitated to wrap their arms around one another. Blake cried softly as he clung to her tight, Hayley's hands rubbing his back softly. They whispered to one another continually, trying to pretend that no one else was watching. This moment was just for the two of them.

Hayley's thin arms eventually fell away from Blake's body, both of them staring into one another's eyes as they continued to speak together softly. It was then that Hayley's eyes travelled off to land on Steve's, her lips curling up into a sad grin and her eyes filling with tears. Steve felt his heart being torn at the sight of her and immediately closed the gap between them.

Sobs escaped her lips as she fell into Steve's embrace, the only place in the entire world that she would always feel safe. Steve's arms enveloped her protectively, feeling her legs wrap around his waist as he lifted her off her feet. She felt so fragile in his arms, so scared and lost, and Steve moved his head into the crook of her shoulder and vowed to himself that he would never let anything ever happen to her again.

For the first time in four hundred and thirty six days, he had the love of his life back in his arms.

* * *

As the jet to Chicago was being prepared, Hayley was given a room at the headquarters to rest. She had told Steve and Blake that all she wanted was a warm shower and fresh clothes, and that's exactly what she got, along with a hot meal awaiting her when she stepped out of the bathroom.

"Are you okay?" Blake asked, wrapping an arm around her waist to escort her to the edge of the bed.

"I'm okay, honestly," she told him with a grateful smile.

She was wrapped in a fluffy robe as she sat down on the soft bed, her wet hair dangling over her back. Steve sat in a chair by the bed, scooting closer to set the tray of food right in front of her. Hayley felt like an invalid with the extra attention and care given to her, but after learning she had been missing for over a year, she didn't say a word about any of it.

No one knew what the think of Hayley's memory loss. Dr. Mackenzie had mentioned that memory repression was common in traumatic experiences, but that Hayley was not expressing signs associated with it.

"Just eat what you can," Steve told her, seeing her eye the amount of food. "I know it's a lot,"

Hayley picked up a fork and began pushing around some of the food, opting for a spoonful of green peas. There was something warm and homey about them, and although Hayley didn't remember any of the year and three months she had been missing, she still felt like she had been gone for so long.

She knew she was no longer herself. The reflection in the bathroom assured her of that. She had almost cried looking back at herself, wishing she could remember what had happened to her.

"How's your head?" Blake asked.

"Still aches," Hayley answered honestly.

"I'll go check on some painkillers," he nodded, stepping out of the room.

Steve looked back to Hayley once they were left alone in the room, watching as she tried to keep herself away long enough to take a few more mouthfuls of food. She was exhausted and too tired to hide that fact. He couldn't help admire everything about her in that moment. The way her mouth moved when she chewed, the concentration on her face she she manoeuvred the food around her plate, the softness of her skin. Everything about her was amplified.

Being without her for so long had made Steve wonder how he ever did it. How did he manage to get one with each day without having this woman in his life? Without laying his eyes on her every morning?

"Are you okay?" she asked, drawing him back from his thoughts.

"Me? Yeah, I'm fine," Steve assured.

Hayley stared back at him, officially giving up on eating as she sat the tray down on her floor. She continued to watch him as she moved back further on the bed, feeling pillows surround her.

"Can you come up here?" she asked, gesturing to the spot just beside her.

Steve didn't give it a second thought, kicking off his boots and climbing up onto the bed with her. They both laid back against the pillows, Hayley's head going to Steve's chest just as it used to while his arms wrapped around her and pulled her tight against his body. It had been so long since they had this feeling. Complete.

"Steve," Hayley whispered against his shirt. "I'm so, so sorry,"

Steve's brows pulled together in concern, looking down at her sadly.

"Hey, hey," he soothed, hearing her sobs. "None of this is your fault, don't ever think that,"

Steve pressed kisses onto the top of her head and rubbed along her back, wishing for her tears to stop. There was nothing in this world for her to be sorry for.

"I can't remember any of it!" she cried, shaking her head. "I don't know where I was Steve, I thought I w-was gone for maybe a f-few days and...and I can't remember _any_ of it!"

"It's okay, it's all going to be okay," Steve soothed, squeezing her close and brushing the wet hair away from her face. "We're going to figure this out, I promise you. We will find what happened. But you're home now, you're here,"

"What happened to me?" she sniffled, clutching at Steve's shirt and squeezing her eyes shut.

Steve's heart almost broke right there and then. It was one thing for him to be tortured all this time not knowing where she was or what had happened, but to be the person who was missing and still have no memory, it would be haunting.

All he could do was rub circles onto her back, listening to her cried soften and turn into soft breaths against his chest. He whispered loving words into her ear as she began to doze off in his arms, and there was nothing in this world that was going to make him let go of her.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading guys! I hope you're enjoying so far, if so, please leave a review as I love you hear what you all think!**

 **To everyone who has reviewed, thank you so much, you all mean a lot to me.**

 **And a special thanks to reviewer AustenLux, your review was so lovely and I appreciate your kind words so much.**


	3. Chapter 3

**III. I Want To Remember**

* * *

Hayley thought she could understand that she had been gone for over a year, but it wasn't until she saw her parents that it all sunk in. They almost collapsed in relief at the sight of their daughter, but just like everyone else who saw her, they noticed just how much she had changed. When they wrapped their arms around their daughter, there was less of her to hold.

The girl they had watched run around the neighbourhood, do early morning and evening intense workout and never stop working on building herself up was now weak, frail and lacking all of the muscle she once had. But they were too happy that she was home to even think about any of that. She was alive and healthy, that's all they cared about.

But just like everyone else again, they had questions Hayley just couldn't answer.

"I'm working on it," she explained. "I'm seeing my psych three times a week, I'll remember eventually, I can't _not_ remember for the rest of my life,"

"Don't go putting too much on yourself," David warned.

"I can't deal with not knowing," she shook her head.

"I know honey, but you need to take care of yourself over any of that," Frances chimed in.

But to Hayley, it was worth more than self-care. If she didn't sleep at night, it didn't matter, because she would be thinking of the memories she needed to get back. If she was standing in the shower too long, she was thinking of where the last year had gone. Someone had taken her, that was a guaranteed memory, but it was driving her insane each passing day not knowing who that person was or what they had done to her.

They spoke no more of Hayley's forgotten memories, instead opting to eat her favourite home-made meal together.

It was the next day that Hayley finally met her godson. Blake and Laura had arrived early in the morning, their son cradled up in his father's arms, sound asleep. It was so surreal for Hayley to witness. This man she had grown up with was now a father to a little baby, one that they had chosen to be her own godson.

"He's so little," Hayley gasped, looking at the child in Blake's arms. "Oh my god, look at his little cheeks,"

Laura chuckled.

"I'm hoping he never loses them," she admit.

"Do you want to hold him?" Blake asked with a smile.

Hayley looked back at her friend with slight panic before nodding her head. This was her godson, she was trusted with his life and although she had only ever held a baby four times in her life, she was excited.

Bobby Nicholas Blake was the most perfect human she had ever laid her eyes on or had the pleasure of holding. After everything she had been through, it was overwhelming to be holding such an innocent, pure little creature in her arms. One that looked so at peace with the world, unhurt by all of the terrible things that lurked out there. Loved, content and safe.

"You're sure you want me?" she asked softly, looking up at Blake and Laura.

"There's no one else in this world we'd rather," Laura assured.

Hayley looked to Blake with a grateful smile, one that summed up all of the joy she was feeling right now just holding his son in her arms. She now had a tiny little human that she needed to look out for, she had an extra member of her family and another person in her life to love.

* * *

SHIELD needed more from Hayley than she had been giving them. There were still no more memories or answers that she had to offer, but there were tests they needed to run. Recognition tests, drug tests, physicals and any other study that could give them any information about the past year. And for these tests, they wanted her to stay in Washington.

It wasn't a problem for Hayley who didn't care too much at all about going back to New York and Steve was more than willing to have her at his apartment for however long she wanted to stay. His SHIELD duties had been put on hold until further notice, Steve's own decision. A decision he was grateful he had made because for someone who was usually so fiercely independent and stubborn, Hayley didn't want to be on her own.

"Hayley?" Steve called out, standing on the other side of the bathroom door.

She had been in there for an hour now and the water had stopped running long ago, long enough for Steve to grow concerned. It had only been a week since Hayley was found in Vancouver and two days since she had been staying with him in Washington, no one was expecting her to be okay and ready to move on with her life. But something that hadn't changed about Hayley's behaviour was the fact that she liked to keep all of that to herself.

When there was no response from the bathroom, Steve began to push the door open, only to be met with force.

"I-I don't want you to see me," Hayley sobbed softly, holding herself together. "N-Not like this,"

Steve's heart began pounding.

"Like what? Hayley? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" he asked, every bad scenario running through his mind.

But all he could hear in return were Hayley's soft sniffles, catching her breath and trying desperately to pull herself together. It was the first time since that night in Vancouver after her briefing that he had heard her crying and it pained him to know there was nothing he could do to make all of that pain and fear go away. He couldn't give her all of those memories back no matter how much he wished he could.

"Hayley," he tried again, trying to coax her into opening the door. "I just want to know you're okay,"

It took a few moments for the resistance on the door to slowly fade away and when it did Steve carefully pushed it open. Hayley was standing in the middle of the bathroom, in front of the large mirror by the sink, barely able to peak through her fingers at her own reflection. She was dressed only in her bra and underwear, the bones of her body so clearly visibly beneath her pale, almost blue, skin.

Steve didn't say a word at first, the room full of Hayley's choked breaths as she tried to calm herself down. He knew that she was frail, he could see it from the moment he had laid his eyes on her a week ago, but beneath her clothes she looked sickly. He had never felt so irate and wrathful in his life, all he wanted to do was find the people who did this to her and take them down without mercy. He didn't care about bringing them in, he wanted them dead.

But a moment later he was brought back to reality, away from his vengeful thoughts. Hayley was hyperventilating, panicking.

"Hey, hey," Steve moved in front of her, blocking her view as she squeezed her eyes shut. "Listen to me, listen to my voice, just breathe,"

Hayley felt her knees growing weak as she slowly slipped to the ground, Steve's arm supporting her, until they were both on their knees. Steve's face was inches from her own as he calmly whispered into her ear, slowly pulling her hands away from her face and running his thumbs over her cheeks. Wiping away tears, Steve continued to soothe her with reassuring words and gentle strokes of her hair and face.

It took ten minutes for her breathing to calm down to a normal level, her body easing up on the trembling, and to open her eyes. They were red from tears and dark from exhaustion, and they stared right into Steve's.

"I look terrifying," Hayley shook her head. "This isn't me, this isn't...this isn't right! I can't even look at myself,"

"You're beautiful," Steve assured.

"Steve, don't," she sighed. "Look at me. Someone took me and stripped away everything, I look like I've had the plague and I-I feel like I've lost everything about me, it's all gone!"

"No, it's not," Steve countered. "You're still here, everything about you is still _right_ here,"

Hayley looked down at Steve's hand on her chest, one hand over her heart as he felt it beat quickly.

"I'm not the same Steve," she whispered sadly, her eyes brimming with tears once again.

Steve's chest tightened at her words, himself trying to fight off the lump rising in his throat. No one expected her to be the same, least of all Steve. He knew what it was like to wake up and learn that a part of your life is missing, but this was different to being in ice. Steve knew that for all those decades, he was frozen in time somewhere no one could find him. But Hayley was alive and living, there was just no memory of it.

But even with everything that had changed about her, Steve never once thought that the woman he loved was gone.

"You don't have to be the same, no one is going to rush you to get past all of this, no one wants you to do that. You might look different and feel different, but you're still every bit the Hayley I fell in love with and there's no changing that,"

A small smile pulled at Hayley's lips before her frown returned, her tears spilling over silently. She let herself fall forward into Steve, feeling his arms wrap around her petite frame.

"I want to remember what happened to me," she admit softly. "I want to know,"

* * *

The next morning Steve was awoken to the sound of his phone ringing for the second time. The first time he had purposely slept through the annoying noise, but by the second call, he knew he should answer. Hayley was still asleep by his side, her face nestled into the pillow and her body curled up into a ball. She tossed around softly at the sound of the phone ringing, but it didn't wake her.

If it did, she had chosen to go straight back to sleep.

"Hello?" Steve answered roughly, carefully stepped out of the bedroom and pulling the door closed quietly behind him.

 _"I wake you up Captain?"_

Fury's voice was enough to bring Steve to attention, knowing that the Director would only be calling him now if it were in regards to Hayley. Steve had taken himself out of duty until further notice and Fury wasn't going to argue against that.

"Did you find something?"

 _"I take it O'Connor is in the apartment with you,"_

"She's in another room, asleep," Steve assured, walking to the furthest corner of the apartment. "What did you find?"

 _"We didn't find anything,"_ Fury cleared up. _"We were sent a video by an anonymous server, can't trace them, but I've still got a team working on that,"_

"A video?" Steve asked, worry rising.

 _"One that O'Connor would very much not like to see,"_

"What is it?"

 _"I've got a link going to your cell now, it'll play once and that's it. Can't risk anyone getting hold of it,"_

Steve pulled the phone away from his ear for a moment, clicking open the link that came through the SHIELD secure server. There were only a few people within SHIELD that had a link to Fury through this pathway, but this had only been sent to Steve.

He felt his stomach drop as he opened the link to see Hayley sitting alone in a hotel room. It was dark inside, but the one light in the room made it bright enough to make out her figure. The video played for a few seconds with just Hayley sitting, breathing. Then it cut to another person in the room, sitting in a chair across from her. It turned blurry for a few more seconds before focusing once again, this time on Hayley wrapping a long rope around the other person's neck.

There was a struggle for a moment, the other person flipping them both to the ground, but the last remaining seconds of the clip were their final moments. Hayley's gritted teeth were visible as she tugged on the rope, her legs holding down the other person's body until their arms fell to the ground lifeless.

Hayley had killed them.

 _"We're running recognitions, but you know yourself that's Hayley O'Connor,"_ Fury spoke.

"That's...she would never had done that. Not after what happened after Borya, she wouldn't kill someone," Steve denied. "No, she couldn't have,"

 _"Maybe she didn't have a choice,_ " Fury stated. _"Whatever the case, we just got our first look into her life last year. Whoever's behind it, whoever took her, they seem to have put her to use,"_


	4. Chapter 4

**IV - Nesium-X**

* * *

It felt nice to be out of the apartment and enjoying fresh air, and it felt even nicer to be running again. Hayley might have lost the muscle tone and fitness she once maintained but she was determined to get back to her old self as quick as possible. It would be difficult - especially when she was experiencing weakness at a whole new level now - but if she couldn't get her memories back just yet, the least she could reclaim was her body.

As she slowed her feet at the end of the pathway, she felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. She knew Steve was worrying over her being out for so long on her own, but it was hard to get annoyed at that. If she had gone over a year without knowing where he was or what happened to him, she would be acting the same way. It was the first time in a week that she had been away from him for longer than an hour. Ever since being back, she hadn't enjoyed being on her own. Maybe it was PTSD, maybe it was sheer paranoia.

"Hey, I'm just finishing up," Hayley greeted, out of breath.

"How do you feel?" Steve asked.

"Like I'm in high-school gym class," she huffed, feeling her heart rate slowly settle. "Feels good though, I feel better,"

"As long as you're not pushing yourself,"

"I'm not, believe me. I couldn't if I tried," she sighed, feeling all of that exhaustion begin to return. "Is everything okay?"

There was a small pause from Steve before he spoke again.

"They've got your blood results,"

Hayley nodded to herself, her heart rate once again beginning to increase. It had been two weeks since she had come back to this life from wherever she had been for over a year and SHIELD's analysis of her blood had been on her mind each and every day. If she couldn't find what happened to her in her own mind, then the next best thing would be her blood.

It was an hour later when Hayley and Steve walked into the Triskellion. Still dressed in her regular black workout gear, Hayley zipped up her hooded-jacket and stepped into the elevator by Steve's side. They were headed to the lab where Hayley would be spoken about as if she were a lab rat, going over everything they had taken from her body to find answers. Steve understood that feeling more than anyone else.

But Hayley didn't mind how they spoke about her, as long as they had answers.

"It's called Nesium-X," one of the lab techs explained, holding up a small vial. "We managed to recreate it from the chemicals we found in your blood,"

Hayley stared at the clear liquid, watching as it swirled around in the vial as the man sat it down on the table.

"Nesium-X," she repeated softly, wondering if she had heard that name before. "I...I've never heard of that,"

"It's not commonly used," the female technician explain. "It's unstable, it's unpredictable, it's never really left the testing phase. It's not an authorised drug and the last time it's known to be used was by the Soviet's during the 80's,"

"What does it do?" Steve asked, growing more concerned by the second.

"It affects cognition, mainly recall and memory retainment,"

It was an answer that Hayley was both anticipating and dreading. It wasn't her mind that wasn't working, it wasn't a trauma that was getting in the way. A drug had taken away her memory. She could feel Steve's eyes on her, but she didn't feel like visiting how she felt right now. She wasn't finished with getting her answers.

"How much was in my blood?" she asked.

"The sample we got from you had a concentrated amount. It's likely Nesium-X was injected into your bloodstream each day, most likely twice,"

Steve folded his arms, his jaw clenching in anger. Hayley ignored her own outrage, pushing it aside for now.

"That means each day I woke up, I had no memory of the day before?" she asked.

The two technicians looked between one another and then down at the report they had arranged for SHIELD to look over.

"Our theory is that whoever was administering the drug was altering your mind at the same time. You could have been living an entirely different reality, one that you wouldn't protest against. They could make you submissive to whatever life they had you living," the woman explained. "Even if you did protest, they could make you forget and start over,"

Hayley looked between the woman speaking and the small vial on the desk.

"They were continually wiping my memories," she summed up. "Which means...I'll never get them back,"

There was another pause.

"There's a chance they could be triggered, but there's no guarantee," the man told her.

And finally Hayley was done with hearing their answers.

* * *

Steve listened to the water run in the bathroom, knowing that Hayley was going to be a while. After today at the lab, he couldn't blame her for wanting some time to herself without having to talk about any of it. They had spoken enough on the way back the apartment, and even then, Steve barely got anything out of her. The look on her face was enough.

The video that had been sent to SHIELD was still on Steve's mind, even more so now. They had been erasing her memory as if she were a computer hard drive, making their own version of her without her even knowing. There was a huge part of Steve that wanted to keep denying that the woman in the video was Hayley, that he had watched her take someone's life so easily, but just as Fury had warned, he needed to accept that it was her.

"You think a mob took her because she was an agent?" Steve narrowed his eyes, trying to make sense of the information Fury's team was giving him.

"That's one of many theories," Fury pointed out. "But one thing is the same throughout all those theories; whoever took her _knew_ she was an agent. They knew she was trained, they knew she had the skills to do whatever they wanted,"

"So did everyone else on that assignment," Steve defended.

"We had three severely injured agents, everyone else was knocked out cold," Fury explained, leaning back in his chair. "One missing, and that's where we're stuck,"

"So, we just wait? Wait for more videos? Let Hayley think _nothing_ has happened?"

"If she found out about these videos, do you think she would remember them?" Fury asked. "Has she remembered anything yet? Has she tortured herself over what _could_ have happened in this last year that she can't remember?"

Steve sighed, rubbing his tired eyes.

"You know she hasn't recalled anything," he answered.

"Until we find out what these are about, who's sending them, Private O'Connor does not need to be involved," the Director advised. "This is for her own good, her own sanity,"

Steve could agree with him on the sanity part. Seeing this would break her heart. Seeing what she was, what they had made her do. But the idea of keeping it all from her was making his stomach churn.

Steve lowered his gaze to the desk in front of him, looking at all the files that Fury had in front of him. There were so many things going on within SHIELD at the moment, things that Steve probably should have been involved in. But going a year without Hayley toe him apart and although being Captain America was Steve's life, Hayley was so much more important than putting that uniform back on just yet.

An hour had passed since Hayley had been in the bathroom and just as Steve turned his head to check on the door, it opened to her walking out wrapped in a white towel. She looked tired, but that was nothing unusual.

"How do you feel?" he asked, a question he was asking her often.

"You don't have to worry about me," Hayley sighed, a small and grateful smile on her lips. "I'm fine,"

"You're not," he shook his head, reaching out to wrap his arms around her waist as he remained seated. "And I'm allowed to worry,"

Hayley's hands rested on Steve's shoulders, feeling him press a kiss to her stomach and hug her close. Her eyes fell closed as she let herself lean forward into his embrace, pushing him back into the couch as she sat in his lap, arms wrapped around his neck. They stayed like that for a few minutes, enjoying each other's comforting touch before Hayley pulled back.

"I just wanted to know why I couldn't remember," she explained. "And now I do,"

"Hayley...what they did to you-"

"I'm not going to remember," she cut him off, shaking her head. "And as much as I want to give myself answers, to give everyone an explanation as to where the hell I was all this time...at the same time, I don't _want_ to remember,"

Steve reached up to cup Hayley's cheek, stoking her skin softly.

"No one deserved an explanation more than you. Don't put yourself through this just to give everyone else peace of mind, it's not worth it. No one is going to be blame you for not wanting to know," he assured.

Hayley gave a small nod, kissing the palm of his hand as she held it in her own.

"I wish last year never happened," she whispered. "I wish I turned down the Russia mission, I wish we could be just like we were. We could have spent that year traveling in between assignments, we could have gone to Coney Island for your birthday and ate so many hotdogs we got sick and walked home to watch cheesy movies. I wanted that time with you."

"So did I," he agreed, lightly kissing her. "And we'll get that year back, I promise,"

Hayley was silent for a moment, resting her head against his shoulder. Steve thought she was falling asleep before her. voice spoke up again.

"Someone had control of my life," she whispered. "I'm scared of what they had me to, who they made me become,"

Steve felt his stomach twist in knots from guilt, his arms wrapping tightly around Hayley as he fought off the urge to confess SHIELD's possession of the video. As wrong as it was to keep it from her, he couldn't help but see how the damage it would cause far outweighed the need to be honest.

Until he knew more, until he could ensure that Hayley could get all the answers she needed instead of more heartache, he would let her focus on getting better.

* * *

It was two days later when Steve and Hayley arrived in New York, ready to settle her back into the life she once had. The whole time she was gone, Steve had made sure SHIELD did nothing to her apartment. Nothing was moved and nothing was changed. Apart from the initial search when Hayley first went missing, Steve too hadn't been back in over a year now.

Hayley had spent the entire journey here reading as much as she could about Nesium-X. What it did to the blood, reports from those who had been injected with the drug, side-effects, symptoms and most importantly, memory retrieval. But all she gathered was more confusion.

"You said you knew someone in New York who could find out more?" Steve asked, beginning to drive them away from the private runway.

"I do," she nodded. "I just waned to know what I was talking about before I went to see him,"

"You trust this guy?"

"Most of the time," she sighed. "I'll deal with that in a few days, I want to just be in my apartment for a while and be in my city,"

It didn't take long to drive into the parking garage at the SHIELD facility and since Hayley didn't have any belongings since being back, there was only one backpack to lug upstairs to her apartment. Hayley was anxious to get inside, to see everything just the way she left it. Although, hopefully someone had thrown out all the contents of her refrigerator.

Not much had changed inside. A few new coats of paint and few technological upgrades the old building, but it felt just the same to Hayley. The offices were the same, the plaques on the wall were still in a perfect line and the stairway up to her apartment was just as long.

"Do you miss your old apartment here?" Hayley asked, a grin on her lips as she turned back to Steve.

"Sometimes," he admit. "But I think it's you I miss more than the actual apartment,"

Hayley smiled and felt her cheeks burn slightly at his adorable words.

"You're cheesy," she laughed, stopping for a moment to surprise him with a soft kiss on the lips before continuing.

It didn't take much longer to reach her door, slide the key into the lock and walk back into the life she wanted to return to so badly.


	5. Chapter 5

**V - There Is Something They're Keeping From You**

* * *

Hayley had amazed herself with just how comfortable she was with a baby in her arms. Bobby's eyes looked directly back into hers as she stared sweetly as him in her lap, noticing his chubby little hand reaching out to scrunch up her shirt between his fingers. His other hand was busy in his mouth, his bare gums munching down on it before Hayley gently pulled it out.

"What are you doing Bob-Bob?" she cooed with a laugh. "They yummy are they? Are they?"

Blake and Laura sat on the couch across from Hayley, watching their son laugh wildly at his aunt pretending to bite down on his fingers. It was the third time they had visited Hayley since she had been back in New York for close to two months now, and each time Bobby fought his way from his parent's grasp to be in her arms.

"Oh wow," Hayley's eyes widened. "Uh, Blake I think he..."

"Yeah, he's due for a change anyway," Laura laughed, instantly smelling what Hayley was referring to. "I'll take him,"

"Hey, it's an aunt's duty to change the diapers too," Blake pointed out.

Hayley shook her head as she handed Bobby to Laura gently, watching his wide eyes stare at her as he was taken away. Maybe one day she would advance to diaper-changing, but it definitely wouldn't be anytime soon.

"Never thought I'd see you cooing over a baby," Blake chuckled.

"Well I didn't know a baby as cute as Bobby existed," she shrugged, crossing her legs. "And he's extra cute because when he gets smelly or cranky, I can give him right back,"

Blake laughed, shaking his head.

"Yeah, well one day it'll be your own baby and you won't be able to give them back,"

"If the day ever came that I'd have my own baby, I'd _hope_ I wouldn't want to give it back," she explained.

"Do you ever think about it? Kids and settling down?"

Hayley stared over at her friend for a moment before rolling her eyes.

"Oh god, you're turning into one of those parents who tries to get _everyone_ else to have them too," she groaned. "No thanks,"

The idea of having a child was never on the cards for Hayley. Being a mother was never a role that she dreamed on taking on, but one that she hoped she would be prepared for if the time ever came. But right now, and for most of the future, Hayley was more than content to live as the fun Aunt than anything more serious.

"You'll surprise yourself one day," Blake added.

"I have enough trouble taking care of myself," she denied.

Blake's smile slowly faded as he watched his friend take the last remaining sips of her lemonade, looking out at the evening sun shining through into the apartment.

"How is all of that going?" he asked, knowing that Hayley would understand everything he meant by the simple question.

Hayley gave him a small shrug in response, a sigh escaping her lips.

"I still can't remember anything, if that answers it,"

"Maybe that's a good thing, just like we talked about," Blake offered.

"Yeah, maybe," she nodded softly. "I'm hoping Charlie finds something,"

Blake frowned over to her, but he didn't say a word. They had argued about this twice before, and he knew it wasn't going to accomplish anything to have it a third time. Charlie was an ex-SHIELD analyst who turned rogue, instead choosing to hack international organisations of all reputations to expose their wrongdoings. He caused all sorts of problems for SHIELD, which is why Blake really didn't agree with the idea of Hayley turning to him for help.

But Charlie could get any information Hayley wanted, from anywhere and from anyone. And for the past two months, that's what he had been doing.

"Does Steve know Charlie's a hacker yet?"

Hayley started to roll her eyes at Blake before her attention was taken by the apartment door opening. Steve's team had finished with an assignment in China three days ago and as usual, Steve decided to undergo debriefing at the New York facility instead of heading back to Washington straight away.

Steve smiled over to her as he normally did when he arrived, beyond relieved and excited to see her there looking back at him, before carrying a small bag of groceries over to the kitchen.

"Steve! Good to see you," Blake called out, waving over to his friend. "I know someone who's been dying to see you,"

A moment of confusion overtook Steve before he noticed Laura walking out of Hayley's bedroom, a freshly changed and happy baby in her arms. As soon as Bobby's eyes found Steve, the little excited mumbling began. The little hands reached out, his body pulling away from his mothers arms.

"Who's that bubba?" Laura gasped. "Is that Uncle Steve?"

Hayley grinned in awe as she watched Steve's eyes widen in response to the baby's excitement, mimicking it back to him before taking Bobby into his arms. It always took a moment for Hayley to remember that Steve had been in Bobby's life much longer than she had actually been. Steve had been in her family when Bobby was born, when Blake first became a father, he was there through it all.

As her heart swelled in adoration for Steve, she noticed Blake's smirk facing toward her.

"I'm not joining the baby club, alright?"

* * *

Hayley stopped at the end of the street she was jogging along, her hands resting against her knees as she caught her breath and checked her time. Almost exactly on par with the personal best times she had been getting all week. As she pulled her phone out from her pocket, she did a few quick glances around to check her surroundings. Specifically, to make sure there were no SHIELD employees tailing her.

It felt wrong to be checking for members of an organization she trusted and worked for, but there was nothing she was sure of anymore. There was no such thing as total, complete trust when it came to SHIELD. Not anymore.

 _Usual spot._

Hayley read the short text message and slipped her phone back into her pocket, beginning to pick up her pace again and jog a few more streets. Around corners, down alleys, further and further out of the city until she reached the same mailbox outside an old auto-shop she had been visiting weekly.

Inside was an envelope, which Hayley took quickly and continued to walk down the alley next to the shop, slowing her pace to read carefully.

 _SHIELD is hiding Russian mission well. No record of disappearance in internal system. They have security on you. Something isn't right._

Hayley continued to read, her brows pulling together in concern. Charlie had included the numbers of files she could try and find as well as a list of missions he would continue to look into. An advantage to working with a rogue hacker was that Charlie didn't care about being paid for his services, he genuinely wanted to take down everyone who was corrupt. And he hated no organization more than SHIELD itself.

 _I won't stop looking. There is something there they're keeping from you._

* * *

It had been over a month since the trail went cold on the source responsible for sending the video files to SHIELD. But Steve still insisted on a team being available to investigate any clues from the video that could lead them to where Hayley was during it's filming.

Whoever it was had sent the video as a simple sign that they could. Someone out there knew where Hayley had been, knew what had happened to her and what they had done to her, and yet they just dangled that information in front of SHIELD for fun. It drove him crazy.

But the guilt outweighed all of that.

It was in his stomach each time he heard Hayley cry, each time she told him she just wanted to know what happened. Every time he saw her searching for information, the gut-wrenching feeling of sheer guilt welled up over and over again.

"Steve," Hayley whispered one night, laying beside him in bed as they began to drift off.

"Mm?" he hummed in return.

"Do you think someone at SHIELD knows?" she asked, cautiously.

Steve's eyes opened to her questions, his brows creasing.

"About what happened to you?"

Hayley nodded.

"Do you think someone's watching me?"

Steve sat up slightly, using his elbow to lean against his pillow.

"Where's this coming from?"

Hayley was quiet for a moment, scooting closer to him.

"I can't stop feeling paranoid," she admit. "Sometimes I feel like everyone on this Earth knows but me. I know I'm being stupid-"

"Hey, not stupid," he shook his head. "You're allowed to feel that,"

"I don't want to go back to work," she told him softly. "Not yet. Something's panicking me about it,"

"Then don't. You don't owe SHIELD anything, you don't owe _anyone_ anything. Take a few months off, take the whole year, it doesn't matter. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for," he explained.

Hayley smiled slightly, leaning in quickly to press a soft kiss to his lips.

"You could say anything to me and I'd feel better," she smiled.

Steve's heart skipped at her words, immediately reaching out to pull her into his embrace. There would never be a feeling close to being in Steve's arms, and in turn, there would be no feeling close to holding her.

"You're probably the only person I trust anymore," she admit softly.

And there it was again. That feeling that made him want to run to the bathroom and throw up. The feeling that was slowly eating away at him.

* * *

It was two weeks later when Hayley found herself unscrewing lightbulbs and checking under cupboards for any sign of bugging. Charlie's constant reassurance that SHIELD was watching her had pushed her past the point of paranoia. She lived in a SHIELD facility after all, they were never too far from knowing exactly what she was doing at all times.

But couple Charlie's words with her own paranoia-infused nightmares and Hayley was officially losing her mind.

She almost screamed in fright when her phone began vibrating on the counter, taking a few seconds to compose her breathing before she answered.

"Hey Steve," she sighed, knowing his voice would give her some calmness.

"Hey, everything okay?" he asked worriedly. "You sound out of breath,"

"Trying to hit a new sit-up record," she shrugged. "How's sunny Washington?"

"I wouldn't know. I'm on a jet out of town," he explained.

Hayley thew herself down onto the couch, trying to relax.

"Last-minute op?"

"Could say that," he huffed. "It's an extraction apparently,"

"Apparently?"

"I wasn't told much. Romanoff picked me up when I was out jogging, it was rushed,"

Hayley thought for a moment, worried thoughts clouding her.

"Does it seem off?"

"No, I'm just irritated," he admit.

They had spoken about this many times in the past few weeks. Fury sent Steve and his team out on missions with barely any information and expected no questions to be asked. Steve didn't work like that. Teams didn't work like that.

"I don't like you going out on a mission when you're angry," she told him seriously.

"I'm not angry, I just think I'm overdue for a few weeks off when this is over,"

Hayley smiled at the thought.

"I second that idea _very_ much," she sighed. "We could go away,"

"Mm, that'd be great," he grinned. "Any ideas?"

"Anywhere but here?"

"Deal,"

Hayley chuckled slightly, looking around her mess of an apartment. She could use some time away.

"I'll let you know when I'm back," Steve sighed. "I've gotta go,"

"Be safe," she told him. "I love you,"

"Love you too,"

* * *

Steve turned off his cell phone and slipped it into the small locker he had on board the jet, shutting the door and ensuring it was locked. Natasha Romanoff was by his side mimicking his movements as they both adjusted their uniform, inserting their ear-pieces and weapons.

"How's Hayley?" she asked, seeming genuinely curious.

"Good," she smiled slightly. "She's getting there,"

"You guys planning a getaway?" she smirked.

"Do you have to listen to every conversation I have?"

"Only the ones you don't bother to whisper," she shrugged. "So, where to?"

"Haven't decided," he huffed lightly, pulling on his gloves. "Why? Got a suggestion?"

Natasha had a sly grin on her lips as she pulled on the parachute backpack, securing the straps.

"Depends. Are you going to be leaving the bedroom?"

Steve immediately rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he began to turn away. Natasha always knew how to annoy Steve, but it was too easy to not find entertaining.

"Let's just talk about the mission," Steve advised.

"Target is a mobile satellite launch platform, the Lemurian Star,"


	6. Chapter 6

**VI - It's Murder & It's Fear**

* * *

"I don't get it," Hayley shook her head, chewing on a mouthful of pasta. "There was no reason for Fury to keep that from you,"

Steve shook his head, still frustrated at just the thought. The whole mission was chaos. Their target got away, the hostages they were there to save could have been killed, Natasha had been working on a separate goal the whole time and Steve and his strike team were left in the dark. It was no way to run an assignment, and Steve had let Fury know this.

He had marched into his office and made his objections clear, and in return Fury had showed him SHIELD's newest plan to combat the rising terrorism. A plan Steve strongly disliked.

"Compartmentalization, apparently," Steve explained. "Whatever way he puts it, in the end he's lying to the people who are trying to help,"

Hayley knew that Fury was big on lying. Whether it was for good or bad, the Director of SHIELD really didn't like too many people know what was happening in the organization. She was surprised he had taken Steve to the hangar where the new hellicarriers were being prepared, and she was still sure that they weren't going to be used for the greater good.

SHIELD was not on Hayley's good side lately, and she wasn't sure when they ever would be. She had given so much of herself to the organization and in return she was given paranoia, fear and a missing chunk of her life. Hearing what Steve felt was only fueling her dislike.

"Two weeks can't go fast enough," Steve sighed, looking across the table to Hayley with a soft and tired smile.

They were in Washington at the moment, at a restaurant just on the corner of Steve's apartment building, talking about what they were going to do when those two weeks passed and they had their chance to get away for a while. They never went too long without being with one another, but it wasn't about that anymore. They wanted away from SHIELD, away from mission and assignment and everything that came with them.

They wanted a time-out.

"Can we go somewhere far away from people?" she asked, her eyes closing just imagining how relaxing it would be. "Away from everyone and anyone,"

"Deserted island it is,"

* * *

Hayley had her arms folded as they walked out of the gated community centre, only unfolding once she noticed Steve's arm hanging by his side. Looping her fingers into his, she waited for him to look toward her before flashing a small, comforting smile.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly.

Steve nodded, hanging his head low as they continued down the path. Seeing Peggy always had this effect on him, but this was the first time Hayley had been with him to actually witness the toll it took on Steve.

Not long after Hayley's disappearance, Steve had begun seeing Peggy on a weekly basis, whenever he could. The one person in his life that knew him for who he used to be, who knew exactly what he had been through because they had gone through it with him. She was his first love, his first kiss, his only tie to the life he had that was almost totally gone.

But she was fading fast. Her memory was leaving her, and in return she was left with confusion, panic and heartache whenever she was met with Steve's baby blue eyes staring back into her own.

"Doesn't matter how many times it happens, it hurts," Steve admit as they walked toward the busy city.

"I can only imagine," she squeezed his hand.

"I wish I could help her,"

"You do help her. Just visiting her, talking to her, keeping those memories alive is helping her Steve," Hayley assured. "And you can tell it brightens her day just talking to you,"

Steve smiled lightly at her words, imaging the grin on Peggy's lips when they spoke of SHIELD and the problems Steve was facing. Peggy made every worry he had seem so small just by talking him through it all. But it didn't change his dislike toward the organisation lately, instead he chose to think of the SHIELD that Peggy would want to see, the SHIELD she helped build.

"I'm glad she got to meet you," Steve nodded, choosing to let go of Hayley's hand and wrap his arm around her shoulders.

"Are you kidding? I've wanted to meet Peggy Carter since I was a little girl," she beamed. "That was a big deal for me,"

"Me too," he assured.

"That's a part of your life that's _yours_ Steve. Peggy's a big part of you," Hayley explained. "Thank you for letting me in,"

Steve paused his steps at that moment, swinging Hayley around to press up against his chest as he pulled her into a kiss. He could feel her smiling against his lips as he cupped her cheek with one hand and held her waist with the other. But soon enough they became a hazard on the footpath with other pedestrians having to manoeuvre around them.

"I love you," Steve told her, pulling back but still holding her tight.

Hayley looked up at him sweetly, wondering how she was the one he had chosen to say that to.

* * *

Steve pulled down the cap over his head as low as it would go, shielding his face from anyone around him that would notice Captain America himself was wandering around the Smithsonian. Hayley was by his side, her arm looped in his, acting as casual as possible and trying to ease Steve's concern.

When Hayley first suggested they continue walking down memory lane and visit the museum, Steve had been hesitant. The exhibitions, the recordings, the footage, it all contained so many different memories. Every portrait of the Howling Commandos reminded him of the friends he had lost, especially Bucky. It hurt to even think about.

"Would it be better if you went alone?" Hayley had asked as they stood outside the doors. "Maybe it'll be easier to process-"

"No," Steve shook his head, holding Hayley's hand in his own. "I want you here,"

So they walked inside, neither of them really knowing what to expect once they were in there. It had been easy enough to make their way into the Smithsonian without any eyes widening in surprise to who was walking around with them, but dressed in his navy jacket and a black baseball cap, Steve looked just like anyone else wanting to check out the exhibition.

Hayley's eyes roamed over the huge walls covered in images of Steve and his team, unable to believe that he looked just the same today as he did back in the 40's. In the pictures, Steve looked so serious. His hand was pointing in a direction for the team to follow, his eyes serious and focused on the mission, his best friend by his side.

"I haven't seen these before," she told him, her arm still locked in his grip, her head tilting slightly to rest against his shoulder as she took in the huge portraits.

"Neither have I," he told her softly, a soft smile on his lips as he came across a few images of him and the team smiling.

It was rare to be in a good mood during the war, but the Howling Commando were the finest men Steve ever had the pleasure of fighting alongside. No matter what happened, what they had to do and what memories they had to live with, they all remained good men. Friends.

"I didn't know they existed," he admit.

"SHIELD used photos from the Howling Commando missions to inspire recruits," Hayley explained.

They continued to walk a few steps further into the exhibition, Hayley pulling him toward a section of the room entirely dedicated to him. It was something Steve would never get used to.

 _"Denied enlistment due to poor health, Steven Rogers was chosen for a program unique in the annals of American warfare. One that would transform him into the world's first super soldier."_

Turning slightly, Steve noticed the look of awe on Hayley's face as she watched the footage roll. It was Steve before the program, before he was Captain America, before he even had the upper body strength to do a push up. It was hard not to grin slightly at her fixation on him.

As he gazed around at the other visitors also watching on with wide eyes at the footage, he noticed a young boy staring not at the screen, but at Steve himself. With a small grin, he lifted a finger to his lips. The boy nodded, a small and excited smile on his lips. It was little moments like this that Steve realized what the symbol of Captain America meant to the world.

Hayley began wandering over to the next exhibit stand, this time her smile faded and she gripped Steve's hand tighter.

 _"Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield. Barnes is the only Howling commando to give his life in service of his country."_

Steve stared at the image of his friend, still wishing to this day that he hadn't reached out and caught his friend from the fall.

"I would have liked him, wouldn't I?" Hayley asked.

"Yeah," Steve smiled, laughing lightly to himself at the idea. "Yeah, you would have. He would have liked you too,"

One pain led to another in the Smithsonian. There was a section of the exhibit which had a recorded interview with Peggy Carter, explaining how Captain America changed her life and his effect on the war. It was heartbreaking to listen to, especially when the tears in her eyes were so evident. Steve was watching someone he loved talk about him, knowing they thought he was dead, and it hurt more than he ever imagined.

Hayley held his hand, rested her head against his shoulder and occasionally looked up at him with a small smile to comfort him through it all. This was something he needed to do, something he needed to face, and he was glad he visited.

* * *

When they left the Smithsonian, Hayley could tell that Steve had too much on his mind to go home yet. Memories of the war and his friends coupled with his current feelings toward SHIELD had him in a state of confusion, and most notably silence.

"Steve?" Hayley stopped, looking up at him as they stopped on the sidewalk.

They were only a few streets from Steve's apartment now and he had managed to say about five words since they left the Smithsonian.

"I'm sorry," he shook his head, rubbing his head. "I'm just...thinking,"

"I know, I can tell when you're having a million conversations in your own head," she countered.

"All of that reminded me of what I used to fight for, of _who_ I used to fight for," he explained. "And I can't stop thinking about what SHIELD's got planned for those helicarriers. That's not what we fought for back then, that's not what I want to be part of now. It's not protection, it's murder and it's fear and it's wrong,"

"I get it Steve, I do," Hayley assured, reaching up to cup his cheek softly. "Lately I don't know what SHIELD is fighting for either. I don't...I don't trust them anymore."

Steve creased his brows and looked down at her without word. Hayley had every reason not to trust SHIELD after all that had happened, and so did Steve. And yet they both had their own inner conflict over it all.

"Why don't you go for a walk? A run? Anything to clear your mind," she suggested.

"No, I want to stay with-"

"You need to take some time to yourself," she assured, shaking her head. "Trust me, I won't be doing anything exciting,"

Steve stared at her for a few moments, thinking. As much as he didn't want to take any time away from her, he really did need some time to sort through his own thoughts. As much as he wanted to talk to Hayley about all of this, he didn't know how to put any of it into words just yet.

"Okay, I'll go for a walk," he nodded. "But I won't be long,"

"Be as long as you want, I'll be taking a nap," she shrugged. "Just take care of yourself, okay?"

Steve pulled her in for a kiss, one that melted into a hug.

"Thank you for being with me today," he whispered.

"You don't need to thank me," she shook her head, pressing another kiss to his lips.

Pulling back slowly, Hayley let her hand fall from Steve's as she continued to walk down the street toward the apartment. Steve watched her for a few minutes, waiting until she was turning around the block before he too set off in the other direction.

He pushed his hands down into his jacket pockets, pulling down his cap over his head, and began walking among the crowds of people on the sidewalk as just another pedestrian.

* * *

When Hayley made her way up to the apartment, she could hear someone fumbling with a set of keys at the top of the stairs. The blonde woman had a handful of groceries and barely any space in her hands to find the key, her face expressing just how frustrated she was becoming.

"Need a hand?" Hayley offered.

The woman turned, an exasperated look on her face as she nodded thankfully.

"I can't reach the lock," the woman laughed.

Hayley took the key from the woman and unlocked the apartment door next to Steve's, pushing it open for her. The blonde walk ahead for a moment and sat the groceries down, heading back to the door and stretching out her arms.

"May have overestimated that one," she joked. "Thank you so much, I could see my groceries going all over the hall before you came along,"

"You almost had it," Hayley laughed, handing the key back to the woman.

"I'm Kate," the woman extended her hand. "Do you live in the building?"

Hayley took Kate's hand, shaking it as she pointed to the door slightly down the hall.

"I'm Hayley, a kind-of neighbour," she laughed. "I'm staying next door,"

Kate looked at the woman, her eyes widening and her mouth beginning to fall open. It wasn't a look of shock or surprise, but of realization.

"You're Steve's girlfriend!" she gasped.

"Uh," Hayley began, taken aback by the woman. "Y-yeah,"

"I'm sorry," Kate shook her head, apologising. "I moved in a few months ago and Steve's talked about you, it's nice to put a face to the name,"

Hayley smiled, looking down at her feet for a moment. She was ashamed at how much she felt like a high-school girl right now, hearing that Steve had been talking about her as his girlfriend. Every time she heard either of them referred to as 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' she couldn't help feeling so young again.

"I'll let you go, I probably seem like a crazy neighbour right now," Kate chuckled. "Thank you again, you really saved me,"

"Anytime," Hayley grinned in return. "Nice to meet you Kate,"

Hearing the neighbour's door close, Hayley unlocked Steve's and stepped inside. It was always comforting to return to his apartment, there was something about the feel and smell of the tiny little space. She was starting to feel more at home here than New York, especially since she now felt that SHIELD had compromised her apartment.

She let herself imagine living here in Washington with Steve, chatting to the neighbours and walking around the city everyday together. No SHIELD, no assignments, no danger, no threats.

But no matter where her imagination took her, nothing would erase this past year and a half. And nothing would change the course of everything that was about to turn their worlds upside down, once again.

* * *

 ** _Thank you guys for reading! I hope you're all enjoying this sequel.  
Please leave a review with any thoughts on the story, I love to hear from you all. xx_**


	7. Chapter 7

**VII - Compromised**

* * *

Hayley had planned on laying down on Steve's bed and reading over the files she had saved on her computer, trying to wrap her head around the copious amount of information Charlie was informing her to get her hands on. Some of it was easy to get, being public records and SHIELD employee-level access, but others were almost impossible.

Her plan seemed to become derailed however as she woke up an hour later to a much dimmer apartment, letting her know she had literally slept away the rest of the afternoon. She was still in the same position she remembering settling down in, her laptop now lying by her side having slipped from her lap.

"Shit," she winced, moving up and realising she had fallen asleep in the worst position possible.

As she threw her legs off the side of the bed, she heard the window to Steve's apartment being slid open. Her heart immediately began hammering, wondering what was going on. Steve didn't live in a particularly bad neighbourhood, but break-ins happened everywhere. Silently, she moved over toward the bedroom door and tried to peak around the corner.

Her entire body was tense, ready to face whoever it was in the living room. But as she began to tiptoe out of the room, ready to strike at any moment, she heard what seemed to be pained coughs and groans. It only took a few more steps to see who it was that had broken in, and to realize that they had no intention of robbing the apartment, but instead using it as refuge.

"Fury?" she spoke softly.

The Director had his back to her, pulling out a record from Steve's collection and hurriedly sticking it on the vinyl player. All the while holding his arm, blood spilling down his face from numerous cuts and gashes to his skin.

"Oh my g-"

"How are you enjoying your time off?" Fury asked, his pleasant voice contrasting his serious expression.

Hayley watched on in confusion as the director sat down on the couch, his face scrunching in pain as his body settled. He looked like he had been bit by a bus, and Hayley wasn't ruling out that possibility. As she looked over the man's body, noticing the torn jacket and blood seeping through his clothing, Fury reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell.

Quickly typing a message, he looked up to see the utter confusion on Hayley's face before turning his phone around for her to see.

 _APARTMENT BUGGED._

Hayley's heart hammered in her chest, her fears all being confirmed.

"You look better than the last time I saw you," he continued, his voice not giving off any indication that he was in pain.

"I'll credit that to time off," she replied, her eyes now scouring the room to see any sign of tamper.

Fury reached over the arm of the couch to turn off the small lamp by his side, his eyes too scanning the room.

"I take it you're not here to pay me a visit," Hayley prodded. "But Steve's-"

"I don't think he'll be as welcoming as you've been," Fury explained. "I know he's not a fan of people dropping by unannounced, but this I didn't have a chance to call. My wife...we're having some problems,"

Hayley gave Fury another incredulous look, unable to tell if this was part of his story or he really was having marriage problems. There were a million questions she wanted answered immediately, but before she could take any approach toward attempting to ask, she heard Steve's keys rattling in the door.

Both she and Fury turned their gaze toward the door, watching as Steve pushed the door open and walked in, a smile on his lips as he saw Hayley standing down the hall from him. A smile that very quickly faded. Hayley shook her head, unable to explain anything.

Walking further into the room, Steve's brows creased in concern as he saw Fury sitting on the couch. Hayley watched as his demeanour changed almost instantly.

"I don't remember giving you a key," Steve spoke bluntly.

"Really think I'd need one?" Fury replied coolly. "My wife kicked me out,"

"Didn't know you were married,"

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me,"

Steve looked toward Hayley with concern, quickly checking she was okay before reaching over to the light switch on the wall.

"I know Nick, that's the problem..." he trailed off, noticing the man's injuries as soon as the room was illuminated.

Hayley reached for Steve's arm as he stared at the director with the same look she had on face moment earlier. She wanted to explain, to let him know that they were all being watched and monitored at this very moment. But instead Fury gave Steve the same, non-verbal message on his cell phone that he had given Hayley.

"I'm sorry to have to do this, but I had no place else to crash," Fury continued.

 _SHIELD COMPROMISED._

Steve and Hayley read the words, both reaching for one another out of instinct. The organisation they had both given so much to was not the same as it had ever been, and finally they both had confirmation. SHIELD was compromised in ways they had no idea about yet.

"Who else knows?" Steve asked. "About your wife," he added, knowing now they were being listened to.

"Just my friends," Fury replied.

Both Steve and Hayley's eyes were on Fury's cell as he turned it to them again, reading the words _JUST US_.

In the whole organisation, out of every agent and soldier they had, the only people who knew SHIELD was compromised were the people in this room right now. Hayley was immediately reminded of Charlie's warnings, realising that all of the paranoia and fear she felt was justified. But all this time she thought SHIELD were watching just her, monitoring her as if she was an experiment ever since returning.

But she was only a small piece of this chaos. The whole organisation was crumbling, and that included everyone in it.

"Is that what we are?" Steve asked.

"That's up to you."

Fury stood then, his eyes staring into Steve's, forming an unspoken truce. No matter how many arguments they had been in over the past few weeks, no matter how many disagreements, they needed to both be assured they were fighting on the good side of whatever this was.

And then their eyes began ringing, the sound of shattering glass filling the room and bullets piercing through the thick walls. Steve's arms went to Hayley, pushing her down onto the ground as he put his body in front of hers, using his shield to cover any other bullets coming their way. But it seemed the bullets had done their job.

Fury was on the ground gasping for air, blood seeping down onto the floor around him. Steve quickly pulled him into the next room, settling him back down and searching for the bullet wound. Steve knew it wasn't good, there was a very real chance the director was going to get back up from this one. Hayley was by his side, reaching for anything she could use to apply pressure to the bullet wounds.

Grabbing Steve's hand, Fury coughed through his pain, wheezing as he slipped a flash drive into his palm. Steve looked down at it, remembering the silver drive with SHIELD's logo from his mission on the Lemurian Star. It contained all of the information Natasha had extracted for the director, and yet he was passing it on to Steve.

"Don't...trust...anyone," Fury choked out.

Steve looked down at the man as his eyes fell closed, his gasps and coughs silenced. He almost didn't hear the sounds of someone breaking through his front door, calling out to him. But Hayley did.

Grabbing the gun from Fury's hip, Hayley stood and rushed toward the door, aiming at the intruder. But instead she was met with the neighbour she had met hours earlier. Her eyes grew wide as she watched Kate hurry into the apartment, aiming her own gun around the corners to ensure no one else was inside.

"Captain Rogers?" she called out, making her way into the room. "I'm Agent 13 with SHIELD Special Service,"

"Kate?" he asked in shock, his voice mirroring Hayley's own words.

"I'm assigned to protect you," she answered.

"On whose order?" Steve demanded.

"His," she nodded toward the director, pulling out her SHIELD radio. "Foxtrot is down, he's unresponsive. I need EMT's,"

Steve and Hayley looked at each other only briefly through the haze of the unfolding chaos, Hayley being able to immediately read his next move. Steve wasn't going to let whoever did this get away, and especially not now that he knew they were still outside his apartment.

"Steve," she whispered. "You don't know what they-"

"I can't let them just get away," Steve argued.

 _"Do you have eyes on the shooter?"_ the SHIELD responder's voice asked.

Steve looked out the window, seeing a figure in the distance.

"Tell them I'm in pursuit,"

* * *

Hayley was outside the building, watching as paramedics rushed Fury out of the apartment and into a waiting ambulance. A few SHIELD agents have turned up to analyse the apartment and talk with Kate, or Agent 13, but Hayley ignored them all. She stood over by Steve's motorcycle, leaning on the seat as she watched everyone work hurriedly to get the director to the hospital.

It had been fifteen minutes since Steve had taken off after the shooter and Hayley had been continually looking from one end of the street to the other, scanning for any sign of him. Whoever had fired those bullets at Fury was a professional, and they obviously weren't opposed to taking a life if anything got in their way.

They could have been hired to take out the Director, or they could have been part of SHIELD itself. Nothing was out of the question anymore, especially after confirmation from Fury that the organisation had definitely been compromised.

"Hayley,"

Turning immediately to the voice, she saw Steve approaching from the corner. There were no patches of wet blood on his shirt, no bruises forming on his face, nothing but the same look of overwhelming disbelief. Scooting off the seat of the motorcycle, Hayley hurried over to him, her arms folded as if she was ready to be briefed on the situation.

Steve reached out for her, one arm on her waist as the other cupped the side of her face.

"Are you okay?" he asked, quickly checking their surroundings that another shooter or assailant hadn't shown up in the time he was gone.

"I'm fine," she nodded, staring back at him. "Are _you_ okay?"

"I couldn't stop him," Steve shook his head. "He...he was strong,"

"Did you see his face?"

Steve shook his head.

"No, he wore a mask. But..."

Hayley's brows creased in concern.

"What?"

"He had a metal arm,"

* * *

Hayley didn't feel right being the room. The moment was too raw, too intimate and quiet for her to be a part of. She wasn't close with the Director, in fact she rarely had anything to do with him. Being in defense, she took orders from her commander and those ranked higher than herself. But Steve, Natasha and Maria Hill all took their orders from the man himself.

And right now he was dying. They were standing on the other side of the glass as they watched surgeons try to save Nicky Fury's life, but it wasn't working. The sniper who shot him did a good job, and there was no coming back from the bullets that hit him.

It was almost an hour later when Steve emerged from the room, entering the corridor where Hayley sat against the wall, a long sigh escaping his lips. Hayley wasn't expecting good news, but knowing for certain that the Director was dead sent a chill down her spine.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, slowly wrapping her arms around Steve's body and hugging him tight.

"I didn't think he would make it," Steve admit, nestling into her arms. "But I hoped he would,"

"What are they doing?"

"Natasha and Hill are still in there, they'll move him soon. Other than that...I have no idea what's about to happen,"

Hayley looked up at him in concern, reading his thoughts as if they were her own. In just a few hours, their worlds had been turned upside down. Fury's last words were to trust no one, and right now Steve wasn't sure there was anyone he could.

"Someone sent that shooter after Fury," Hayley whispered. "There had to be a reason,"

"He found out SHIELD was compromised, I don't think they liked that," Steve summed up. "Someone in SHIELD ordered that hit,"

The sound of doors bashing open broke their gaze, Natasha Romanoff storming off into the hall. Steve chased after her, needing to talk to her about all of this. But even if he did have some trust in the assassin, he wouldn't mention anything about SHIELD's position if she didn't.

Hayley stood back, letting the moment play out between the two of them.

"Captain," a man called out. "They want you back at SHIELD,"

Steve turned to the man, nodding.

"Give me a second,"

"They want you now," the man insisted.

Hayley finally looked over at the dark-haired man, her lips parting as her eyes grew wide. Her chest tightened in pain, her stomach twisted in knots, and something felt very, very wrong. The man looked back at her, noticing Hayley's reaction but not doing a thing about it.

The man's face flashed in her mind over and over again, in darkness, in light, she felt pain and she felt fear.

"I have to go," Steve's voice brought her back to reality. "Hey? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "W-wait you're going in?"

"I have to see what's happening," he whispered. "Don't worry, I'll be safe,"

"You don't know that,"

"I promise," he assured, leaning in to press a kiss against her forehead. "Don't go back to the apartment alone, alright?"

"Okay," she nodded, but her mind was far from his words.

It seemed she had no control over any of her thoughts right now, because all she wanted to do was grab Steve's arm and hold him where he was. The idea of him going in to SHIELD after all of this made her more panicked than anything else, but her body was stunned.

After months of no recollection and beginning to get back the life she had, it was beginning to crumble at the worst possible time.

SHIELD was compromised, and Hayley was remembering.

* * *

 _Thanks for reading guys! Please leave a review xx_


	8. Chapter 8

**VIII - Somewhere Safe**

* * *

 _Day 32 Missing - Switzerland_

Hayley looked over to the door of the small room, hearing footsteps approach from the other side. Her body shook in fear of who it could be, her chest rising and falling at an alarming speed. Her body ached as if she could feel every single bruise that was on her skin and those still forming, her muscles contracting anxiously.

There were three other people in the room, but their faces were blurry, their voices muffled. The only clear face she could see was the man who walked through the door only a moment later, his dark hair and deep eyes sending a shiver through her body. This wasn't the first time she met this man, and given her terror at the glance he threw toward her, the meetings were far from pleasant.

Brock Rumlow looked at her with a hard stare, his eyes slowly moving over to the others in the room.

"He's got a team out scouring this place for her," he told them. "Keep her in here, don't leave her on her own. Follow the procedures in place. Don't let her near windows, keep everything shut up. Last thing we need is facial recognition picking her up anywhere near here,"

Hayley glared toward the man, even with the fear still very present inside her, and wished she were able to walk over to him right now and grab him by his throat. She wanted to hurt him, to make him feel some of the fear and agony she did.

"They'll find me," she told him quietly, her words coming out slowly and messily.

She didn't know if she was really awake or enduring a nightmare, and it didn't help that she couldn't properly feel her body. Her arms and legs felt detached, like something was slowing down all of her processes.

Rumlow looked over to her with an amused smirk, his hands going to his hips as he took a few steps closer to the corner she sat in.

"No one's going to find you," he assured. "As far as anyone out there's concerned, you're as good as dead,"

* * *

Hayley rubbed her temples as she walked down the sidewalk, her head aching from the memories flooding in, unable to stop the images flashing through her mind. All it took was one glance at that man, and she had more information about her disappearance than she had gathered over months. But none of it was what Hayley wanted to see, and she couldn't change that.

Now it was more clear than ever that SHIELD was involved, that they may have been behind the entire thing. SHIELD may be compromised right now, but Hayley was beginning to think they had been for a long time.

As she made her way further down the street, unsure of where exactly she was heading, a black Mercedes pulled up at at the curb with screeching tires. Remaining calm, Hayley turned toward the driver with a hard glare, her body readying itself for someone to jump out and try to grab her. Maybe the had taken Steve, and maybe this was her turn.

"Hey! O'Connor!" the man called out, rolling down the passenger window and pulling down his shades.

Benjamin Flynn waited for Hayley to recognise him before his mischievous smirk broke out. A smirk that Hayley couldn't help slightly grin toward, but it did nothing to ease her fears.

"Flynn? What the hell are you doing here?" she asked, stepping closer to the car.

"Sightseeing," he told her, his smirk beginning to fade. "We can talk a lot more away from here,"

"I'm good here," Hayley refused, folding her arms.

Flynn sighed in annoyance and shook his head.

"You know there's eyes and ears everywhere," he explained. "This isn't the best place to talk about what's going on, is it?"

Staring back at him, Hayley wondered how much Flynn knew, and if they were even thinking about the same thing. SHIELD's situation wasn't known to many, at least that's what she had assumed.

"I don't know what you're talking ab-"

"Get in the fucking car O'Connor," Flynn demanded, his eyes desperate and panicked. "We don't have time for you to debate if I'm a bad guy or not, alright? I wouldn't be here if I was."

Hayley took a step closer, looking around at the other cars and wondering if SHIELD had agents all around them. Flynn was always so proud of being a SHIELD agent, and he had made it very clear to Hayley that he valued it more than anything else in his life. Not to mention he was never someone Hayley ever trusted, even when working as his partner.

"If you really know what's going on then you know why I'm not exactly jumping to get in the car with you," she explained.

"I don't blame you, but I don't have time to sit here and explain to you that I'm not on the wrong side," he insisted. "I just turned my back on an organisation that I've killed for and given most of my life to,"

Hayley stared back at him, torn between wanting to believe him and just wanting answers. At this point, she didn't have anyone that could give her any information about any of this. Flynn had higher clearance than she did and more access than Hayley could get her hands on, and although she didn't trust him, she didn't have many options. SHIELD would find her wherever she went from here on.

Taking another step closer to the car, Hayley did one more scan of the people around on the sidewalk before opening the door.

"Just remember, I've kicked your ass once before and I'd be happy to do it again," she told him as she slid into the passenger seat.

"Well at least I know you're still your cheery old self," he chuckled lightly, pulling away from the curb and onto the busy road.

Hayley folded her arms as she sat silently, looking around at the car she was in. There was a bag in the backseat that was overflowing with tac gear and uniforms, and next to it was a a stack of folders that were beginning to slide all around the car.

"How much do you know?" she asked after a few minutes.

Flynn shook his head.

"Not here. We'll talk soon," he assured.

"Where? Where are we going?"

"Somewhere safe," he told her with a nod. "We can talk about everything when we get there,"

Settling back into silence, Hayley could feel her body stiffening anxiously. The last time she saw Benjamin Flynn, he had come to her proposing partnership on a mission, and that was close to two years ago. And now he was here, out of nowhere, knowing exactly where she was. The decision to get in the car was rushed, but now that she was here, she couldn't help panicking.

Benjamin looked over to her as he drove them through the traffic, turning corners to get them out of the heart of the busting city. Hayley's fingers were flexing outwards and into a fist constantly as they continued, her eyes looking all around the car and the surrounding mirrors. Complete paranoia, and for a very good reason.

Twenty minutes later, Hayley's paranoia grew wilder as they drove through the gates of an old storage warehouse. The windows of the building were all smashed in, graffiti covering the concrete walls, no one in sight.

"Where the hell are we Flynn?" she demanded, ripping off her seatbelt.

"Somewhere safe, like I said," he repeated. "You have to trust me-"

"I _don't_ trust you! Why the fuck would I trust you!" she yelled as the car came to a stop. "I haven't heard from you, I haven't seen you! How did you find me? Why the hell are we in the middle of some abandoned-"

"Then why did you get in the car, huh? If you really didn't trust me, if you _really_ thought I was going to hurt you or take you in, why are you here?"

Hayley stared back at him hard, watching as he didn't take his eyes off hers.

"I want to know what you know and how you know it," she concluded.

"And I'm going to tell you. I'll show you everything, but I need two minutes of trust. Can you manage that?" he snapped.

Ignoring whatever response Hayley was going to give, Flynn turned from her and got out of the car. Hayley watched him look around for any cars or people watching from the road in the distance before he opened the back door, grabbing all of the files on the seat. Hayley stepped out a moment later, still watching him closely.

"Two minutes," she reminded him, agreeing to the temporary trust.

Flynn looked over to her, shutting the door.

"Grab the bag and follow me," he instructed.

Doing as he ordered, Hayley picked up the overflowing back from the backseat and walked over to Flynn's side. On top of the bag, poking out from the jacket and ammunition bag, was a gun. Flynn watched her eyes stare down at it.

"Take it," he suggested. "If it makes you feel better."

Hayley considered it for a moment before she reached down and slid the weapon into the back loop of her pants.

"You'd do the same if you were in my position," she justified.

"I know," he nodded. "Come on,"

Hayley carried the bag by her side as she followed Flynn, heading toward an old, worn down door. Inside, Flynn led them to a staircase down into a basement, reaching into his pocket to pull out a set of keys. Hayley hoped her two minutes of trust hadn't been misplaced.

With a few twists of the key, the door unlocked to a room full of computer screens and monitors. It was dark inside, only the flashing lights from the computers lighting up the room until Flynn reached over and flicked the light switch.

"Too bright," a voice called from the corner.

"Not for people who actually see the daylight," Flynn retorted, turning to Hayley once he had locked the door again. "I believe you know the resident recluse,"

Hayley looked over to the man by a laptop, his face illuminated by the screen's bright light and the hood of his jacket hanging low over his head, only meeting Hayley's gaze when he tilted his head upward.

"Charlie?"

A small smile formed at the corner of the man's lips.

"It's good to see you Hayley,"

* * *

Steve looked at himself in the mirror as he walked out of the restroom stall, thinking of how all the events of the day had led him to this moment. He was wearing a baseball cap, spectacles, a hooded jacket and shoes that were clearly intended for fashion purposes instead of practicality. But it was the easiest way to get by. No one would suspect him of being Captain America, the man SHIELD was now actively hunting.

"We haven't got much time," Natasha reminded as he walked out into the hall.

"I know," he sighed. "Let's get moving."

As much as Steve's mind should have been on uncovering the information of Fury's flash drive, on finding out if the Winter Soldier was real and not just a ghost story, it just wasn't. He hadn't heard anything from Hayley since he left her early that morning at the hospital, and he couldn't shake the dread he was feeling. Especially now that he knew SHIELD were looking for him and they very obviously wanted him either imprisoned or dead.

That put a target on Hayley too, whether she was involved or not, and it made his stomach churn with worry. He wished he could go back to that morning and tell Hayley to go back to New York, to get on a plane and go home, get away from whatever this was. But he knew she never would have listened to him. If Steve was about to get involved in a mess none of them even understood yet, Hayley would still want to be by his side.

Steve pulled out his cell and thought about calling, but the thought didn't last long before Natasha swiped it from his hand and began pulling it apart.

"You can't use this," she advised, pulling out the chip and snapping it in half. "They're using everything they have to find you, the second you transmit anything on this, they've got you."

"They'll be looking for Hayley too," Steve countered. "I have to tell her to get out of here, I have to know she's alright,"

"My bet is she's already out of here," Natasha offered. "She knows they're watching her too,"

"I don't know where she'd go,"

"Good. You'd only put her in danger if you did know where she was,"

"This isn't making me feel any better," he muttered.

"She was a soldier long before you met her Steve, she can handle herself," she explained. "After everything that happened, you should know that,"

"I know she can. It doesn't change the fact that I'm worried," he argued. "I need to get in contact with her,"

"We will, but we need to take care of this first," she told him, seeing the mall up ahead.

"We've only got a small window," Steve reminded, nodding to himself.

"Get ready to blend in."

* * *

 _ **Thanks for reading guys! Please do leave a review with your thoughts, I love hearing from you all. I hope you're enjoying the story so far! xx**_


	9. Chapter 9

**IX - SHIELD Is Gone**

* * *

Looking around the underground room, Hayley could see crates full of records all with SHIELD's logo in the corner. Classified documents, classified footage, all previously stored only on SHIELD's database and now sitting in boxes for anyone to read. It looked like the headquarters for an anti-SHIELD operation, and given the circumstances, that was closest Hayley could come to explaining this place.

"You two are working together?" Hayley asked, looking between the two men in the room.

"Not working together," Flynn shook his head. "More like-"

"More like I do all his work," Charlie finished with a satisfied smirk.

Flynn glared over at the man, shrugging off his coat and throwing it over on one of the many desks.

"Charlie gets me information for assignments. Information SHIELD can't get for me, all off the record stuff," Flynn explained. "And for months now he's been hacking SHIELD servers for me,"

"Not that I ever need a reason to hack those bastards," Charlie added. "Agent Flynn here just gives me the right clues on where I should look, and over the past few weeks, you've been doing the same Miss O'Connor,"

It was odd for Hayley to be looking at Charlie and hearing his voice. Their communication all this time had been so covert and planned, everything written and destroyed, absolutely no ties. And now he was right in front of her.

"I haven't given you any clues," she denied. "I'm the one who's been asking _you_ for clues,"

"You told me you were afraid SHIELD was behind your disappearance, that they had information they weren't giving you," Charlie reminded. "Which pointed me in the right direction,"

Hayley stared over at him, her mouth falling open slightly.

"You found something?"

Charlie nodded, watching as Hayley turned her gaze from him toward Flynn. The agent was staring back at her sadly, the first real show of emotion finally coming through. It wasn't pity or sympathy, it was disappointment. An organisation he had given so much to had been proven to go against everything it stood for.

"I have three files all about you, information about the assignment you were sent on in Russia, how SHIELD covered it all up in the system, and..." he trailed off, looking over at Charlie.

"And what?" Hayley prodded, needing to know.

"And video files. Sent directly to Nick Fury," Charlie explained.

* * *

Steve gripped the steering wheel tight as his gaze switched between each rear-view mirror, making sure that no one was following behind, whether that be SHIELD or the police. The car was stolen after all, but Steve continued to insist to Natasha that it was just being 'borrowed'.

"Take your feet off the dash," he instructed, looking over to the assassin's legs stretched outwards onto the dash.

They were currently on their way to New Jersey, following the location they had pulled from the flash-drive back at the mall. Everything on that drive, bad or good, came from the location of Steve's first training unit. The place he first ran with soldiers, far behind them all, his tiny frame making his presence laughable.

Rumlow and the Strike Team had followed them to the mall, but with Natasha's skill for blending in, they had managed to evade them. Even if that evasion included a few seconds of sharing a kiss with Natasha to avoid being made, Steve was glad he had trusted her. But there was bound to be many more chances for SHIELD's operatives to find them, and Steve knew it wouldn't always be so easy.

As they continued to drive further onto the highway, Steve could feel Natasha's eyes on him. Her head was turned toward him as she laid about in the passenger seat, a soft smirk on her lips. Natasha knew Steve hated when she analysed him like the this, and it was most of the reason she did it. Steve's skin was easy to get under.

"What?" Steve demanded, turning to her.

"You really didn't want to kiss me, huh?"

Steve's brows pulled together as he looked back to the road, his cheeks fighting off a red hue that was beginning to take over his skin from embarrassment.

"It's not...I wasn't expecting-"

"Was Hayley your first kiss since 1946?"

"Of course she was," Steve responded.

"Is that why it made you uncomfortable?"

"Is there something wrong with only wanting to kiss the person I love?" he asked defensively. "And I wasn't uncomfortable,"

"You were," Natasha nodded.

Steve shook his head in annoyance.

"Is there a point to all this?"

"No," she shrugged. "I just think it's sweet. It's old-fashioned love."

"You think I'm old-fashion everything," Steve chuckled, only slightly annoyed this time.

"Well, you are," she argued. "Love is old-fashioned."

"Love isn't old-fashioned" he denied. "Haven't you ever been in love?"

Natasha shrugged her shoulders and looked out the window, a small smile on her lips. Steve had a feeling she knew exactly what it was like to be in love, but he couldn't imagine her admitting to it. The life of a spy was meant to be lonely, and Natasha seemed to enjoy the solitude.

"Love just causes trouble," Natasha told him. "And it gets in the way."

Steve frowned as he looked over to her.

"That's an optimistic outlook," he sighed.

"It's realistic."

"Have you ever let someone close enough to know that?"

Natasha smirked.

"I've let plenty of people close to me, it's part of the job. It's not hard to make up a personality that draws people in," she explained.

"That's what you do then? Make stuff up? Never let anyone see who you are?"

"The truth is a matter of circumstances," she huffed as she shook her head. "It's not all things to all people all the time. Neither am I."

"That's a tough way to live," Steve frowned.

"It's a good way not to die though."

Steve thought of her words, unable to argue against the logic, but finding it hard to hold back arguing about every other aspect of her words. Everything about it took him right back to his argument with Hayley, the day she ended things between them before they really began. She said they held each other back by caring about one another, and Steve was seeing that she was not the only one who thought that way.

But even if it did make it easier to walk into a gunfight, if it made it easier to leave behind everything you knew because none of it mattered, Steve would want nothing more than to be with her. If anything about the past year and a half had taught him anything, it was that.

"I need to know she's okay," Steve spoke quietly. "I need to get in contact with her,"

Natasha watched him closely for a moment, knowing that Steve wasn't going to get his mind off Hayley anytime soon. It was hard to blame him, despite how hard Natasha worked to keep herself from ever having to be held back by such feelings, she could understand. And she wasn't envious at all.

* * *

It wasn't her. It couldn't be her. Hayley was looking at a stranger, someone who just happened to look like her mirror image. It couldn't be real, but there was no denying the footage she was watching. Her eyes were welled up with tears, full of anger and sadness, as she watched herself take another persons life as if it were nothing.

"It seems to be about five weeks after you arrived in Russia," Flynn explained gently, leaning against the wall by Hayley.

Charlie sat over by the computer, running a few more encryptions as he watched Hayley carefully. This wasn't something he would ever want her to find out about through their usual mode of communication. This was something she needed to be here for, because no one could watch a video of themselves like that without having a million questions at the end. And right now Charlie and Flynn had more answers for her than anyone else.

"Borya was Hydra," Flynn continued. "And Hydra was... _is_ in SHIELD."

"But they sent me after him," Hayley responded softly, her voice trembling slightly as she fought to gain composure.

"From what we can get our hands on, it looks like SHIELD needed a way to get Borya back here, bringing him in as a threat. But Borya took his role a little too seriously and...well,"

"And I killed him," Hayley nodded, looking up at Flynn with watery, red eyes. "That's why they took me, isn't it? Punishment for killing one of their own."

"We don't know why they took you or why they had you do this," Flynn explained, gesturing to the footage. "But they sent it to Fury to taunt him, to make him think there was an enemy out there to find instead of inside his own organisation."

Hayley turned her gaze from the image of herself to the file by her side, skimming over pages and pages of Hydra documents. She never thought she would see a day where Hydra were a threat again, let alone work for an organisation they were controlling from the inside.

"They've been brainwashing soldiers," Flynn summed up. "Turning SHIELD operations into Hydra training sessions. We don't know how many are Hydra,"

"How do they brainwash someone?" Hayley shook her head. "How do they get so deep inside someone's mind that they think any of _this_ is a good thing? How did they get to me? Why did they do this?"

As the sound of Hayley's breathing became louder and more panicked, Flynn looked over to Charlie worriedly. Neither of them could blame her at all for being so shaken up by what she had just discovered about herself, but they weren't exactly skilled at calming others down. They were both very blunt people, but every now and then the emotion of what they were doing crept up on them.

Flynn bent down by Hayley's side, putting his arm on her back and rubbing gently.

"These assholes don't play by any rules Hayley," he spoke quietly. "I'm not going to bullshit you by saying I know how you're feeling, but Hydra is about to be brought down, and I know that if I were you I'd sure as hell want to be part of making sure they didn't get back up."

"Who was it?" Hayley asked between soft sobs, her face now hidden by her hands.

After a moment of confusion, Flynn asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Who did I kill?"

With a sad sigh, Flynn shook his head.

"We don't know, but you can't do that-"

"How do I know there wasn't more? That I killed more people? That I _did_ things worse than that," she looked back to the screen. "They had my life for over a year, and if this was just one day out of all that time...I can't imagine what else they made me,"

Hayley began to read over the details for the video footage, seeing that it had been sent directly to Nick Fury months ago. She had always respected the Director of SHIELD, but that didn't mean she had to trust him completely, and she didn't, for good reason. There was a lot that man knew that no one else did and he rarely shared that information to even the highest ranking agents. But this was her information, she had a right to know he had evidence and a lead to where she had been.

As Flynn spoke to her about Hydra coming to the surface at SHIELD recently and their plan to expose them, Hayley's eyes squinted at the writing by the footage description. It was a sealed filed, completely inaccessible by anyone other than those in command who had sealed it.

"Does that say..." she trailed off.

Flynn watched Hayley's finger reach up and point to the name by the file.

"Steve Rogers," he whispered.

Hayley heart was beating fast enough for the entire room to hear, and the tears that were in her eyes minutes ago threatened to return. The file had been sealed months ago by Fury and Steve, sealed for no one else to ever see. Including Hayley.

The only person that Hayley trusted with her whole heart, who she loved with everything she had, planned to never tell her about this.

"That isn't right," she shook her head. "This...Steve wouldn't,"

"We got the file straight from Fury's log," Charlie explained. "If that isn't right, that's Fury's mistake, and it doesn't seem likely."

Flynn shot a look over to Charlie before he rolled his eyes, wishing the hacker would just keep his mouth shut when it came to emotional matters.

"It might be a mistake, we really don't know," Flynn added. "Listen to me, I know this is a lot to take in, but something is about to happen at SHIELD. They've already turned on Rogers,"

"What do you mean?"

In response, Charlie turned his computer screen toward the two of them in the corner and showed the security footage of Steve's morning in the Triskellion. Running for his life, running from people who he once fought alongside.

"Oh my god," Hayley gasped quietly. "Where is he now?"

"Far from here if he's smart," Charlie commented, turning the screen back to his eyes. "They're looking everywhere for him,"

"SHIELD is gone, isn't it?" she asked, looking to Flynn.

"The SHIELD we knew? It was gone a long time ago,"

* * *

 _ **Hey guys, thanks for continuing to read! I hope you enjoy where the story is heading! Please leave a review and let me know what you think xx**_


	10. Chapter 10

**X - I Had Suspicions**

* * *

Flynn walked around the small room between the two others, pouring a fresh cup of coffee into their mugs silently as they all continued to read over the information gathered in the last 12 hours. There had been a small window of opportunity for Charlie to obtain classified information without the SHIELD servers detecting a hack, and since he used to work for the organisation, he managed to slip past their security walls without a problem.

But the more they read over all of the sealed documents, the quicker they learned that SHIELD only had days left, if not less. Hydra was rising, and Project Insight was going to be the downfall for the only good left in SHIELD.

"Sure, let's kill people who we're scared of," Charlie shook his head. "That's ethical."

"How are they pitching that idea to the public?" Flynn mused, setting the coffee jug down and rubbing his tired eyes.

Hayley's mind was reeling over more than just Project Insight. It was trying to wrap itself around the idea of Hydra even being existent again, being within SHIELD for so long, having control of her for over a year, having her kill for them. And adding to all of that, she was still trying to convince herself that Steve had no knowledge of any of it.

It wasn't like him to keep something so huge from her, especially when he knew how far she would go for answers. She couldn't accept that it could be real, that he had sealed that file along with Director Fury, that he had known about this for months. He wouldn't lie to her about that, he just couldn't.

"Uh oh, incoming message O'Connor," Charlie announced.

Hayley was pulled from her thoughts, her eyes looking up from the paper she had been staring at for the last thirty minutes.

"It's from an unknown sender, in...an unknown location, huh," Charlie continued. "It was sent to your cell."

Pulling the device from her pocket, Hayley shook her head.

"I've got nothing," she denied.

"Right, I should have told you. Down here is a lockdown zone, we can't be detected by SHIELD or Hydra or whoever. All signals going to your phone or Agent Flynn's will be sent to this computer right here," he explained. "Can't risk someone tracking you guys,"

"What's the message?" Flynn asked, intrigued.

"There's two actually, one of them isn't hidden at all. Agent Elliot Blake, calling from New York asking where you are and if you're okay, he's stuck at the facility clearing up some Fury business, nothing too exciting," Charlie yawned, moving on to the next one. "The other is is the mystery. It says 'I don't want to know where you are, I just want to know you're safe'"

Hayley listened as Charlie spoke, knowing that the last message had to be from Steve. Coming from a hidden sender, Hayley also knew that he had to be with someone, probably Romanoff. Which meant that he had escaped from SHIELD, he had found someone to trust, for now.

"It's Steve," she looked over to Charlie. "Can I send something back? I just want him to know I'm safe."

Charlie nodded, already crafting the message to return. Hayley didn't ask to add any more than one word, knowing that the more she told him, the more she endangered them both if the device he was using was hacked.

"Wonder where he is," Flynn sighed. "Wouldn't want to be around Washington,"

Hayley thought silently as Charlie sent off the message, trying to imagine where Steve would be right now and what he would do in this whole situation. To anyone else right now, this was the uprising of an organization believed to be buried decades ago. But to Steve, it was an organization he had put down himself coming back to destroy his life all over again.

* * *

 _"Short range ballistic. Thirty seconds tops."_

 _"Who fired it?"_

 _"SHIELD."_

Steve had never been so furious in his life. SHIELD, the organization he had given his life to, was gone. Hydra was very much alive, and although Zola only existed within technology right now, he had done enough damage with his algorithm that he might as well have been alive. Then maybe Steve could have had the pleasure of making sure this time he really was dead.

Too much had happened in the past few hours for Steve to even believe it was all real. Finding out Zola had been feeding Hydra's plans this whole time, that the organization Red Skull started all those decades ago had never really died, and narrowly escaping being blown to pieces by whoever had discovered them getting too close.

Looking over to the passenger seat of the newly-stolen car, Steve could see Natasha's phone lighting up with an alert within her pocket. The assassin was still weak from the explosion, despite Steve's effort to protect them both.

Reaching over, Steve took the phone into his hand and looked down at the message that illuminated the screen.

 _Safe._

It only took that one, singular word to take a million worries off his mind. No matter where she was, who she was with or what she knew right now, Hayley was safe.

"You're taking us back to Washington?" Natasha grumbled, her eyes opening and her body aching.

Steve slid the phone back over to her, gripping the wheel and checking the rear-view mirrors once more.

"We can't stop Insight out on the road," he nodded, glancing over to her. "How do you feel?"

"I've had worse," she grunted, sitting up. "Did SHIELD follow?"

"Strike team showed up just after I got us out," Steve explained. "They'll be looking for us in DC."

"So we'll stay low," Natasha nodded, rubbing her head. "You have a destination in mind?"

"I know someone who might help."

* * *

Hayley should have been focusing on what Flynn and Charlie were talking about. The downfall of Hydra, making sure they were exposed, working with the good agents who were left. That was the priority and she knew that, that was what would ultimately end all of this and save hundreds of lives.

But she couldn't focus on just that, in fact she couldn't focus on it even a little bit. All she could think about was what Hydra had her do while she was under their control. Even with the knowledge of SHIELD being behind it all, with the image of Brock Rumlow in her mind, with the knowledge that she had killed an innocent person for no reason - she still could hardly remember a thing.

"Still with us O'Connor?" Flynn asked, noticing her blank stare at the wall.

Snapping her head around toward the voice, Hayley let out a long and tired sigh.

"Barely," she admit. "I can't wrap my head around any of this."

"Told you we should have brought her into this sooner,"

"When did you want to bring me in?" Hayley asked, looking between the two. "How long have you known about all this?"

"I had suspicions since-"

"Your suspicions don't count, alright?" Flynn interjected. "You're suspicious about _everything_. We both had a hunch that there was a, well some sort of mole, within SHIELD for a few months. I got bad feelings on a few missions, noticed some of my guys were answering to different people, nothing really added up. And we've known about Hydra for...what, two weeks?"

Charlie folded his arms, yawning loudly before nodding in agreement.

"Around that,"

"When did you want to bring me in?" she reminded.

"Two weeks ago," Flynn shrugged honestly. "I was going out of my mind not having someone to talk to about all this, and _you_...when I heard you went missing, I tried to help find you. And when they you came back after all that time with no memory, I knew you'd be hellbent on finding out what happened. As soon as I found those files and that video, I wanted you in straight away. But..."

"We didn't know if you were Hydra," Charlie added. "We didn't know if they'd brainwashed you, didn't know if you were working with them, if it was all an act,"

Hayley nodded in understanding, realizing that whoever knew about this could actually see her as a threat rather than one of Hydra's victims.

"How do you know it's not all an act?" she asked.

"We had eyes in the hospital," Charlie explained. "Every camera, we were watching."

"I'm good at reading people," Flynn added. "The moment I saw you lay your eyes on Rumlow, I knew you were terrified. You had the same look when you walked out of the corridor and onto the street. Fear."

Thinking back to that moment, Hayley felt that fear all over again. Hearing Rumlow's voice call out to Steve, meeting his gaze, being frozen in the moment. It was the first time she had been able to put a face to all of the anger she felt, and now she had an entire organization to pin all of that on. And she had a chance to do all she could to expose them.

"I want to take down Hydra," she nodded. "I'll be part of whatever plan you have, I'll do whatever it takes."

"Our plan is all over the place," Flynn rubbed his temples.

"So we make it up as we go," Hayley shrugged. "You said Hydra is close to becoming exposed,"

"As soon as they launch Insight," Charlie nodded. "There are people in SHIELD who don't have a clue what Insight really is. The minute they find out, the minute they speak up about how insane it is, Hydra's veil goes down."

"If Insight is so corrupt, why did Fury sign off on it?" Hayley asked, folding her arms. "He's not...there's no way-"

"No, Fury's not Hydra," Flynn assured. "We've been down that road a few times since finding out. He's blocked every one of Hydra's hidden missions, but it's Pierce that's getting past him. As for signing off on Insight, turns out he tried to delay it. Yesterday."

"And they killed him for it," Hayley summed up, the image of Fury lying in Steve' apartment flashing back to her.

"And they know Steve knows that," Flynn added. "Which means they're not only hunting him down, they're hunting down anyone he cares about."

"So you're saying if I go out there, they'll come for me?" she asked. "What does that leave me with? I can't stay in here, I _have_ to be out there doing something,"

"We don't know what that something is yet, that's the problem. The minute we leak anything about Hydra, all out war could start-"

Flynn's words were cut off by the sound of a muffled explosion, the underground bunker shaking from force. Hayley knelt down to steady herself, Charlie gripped the desk and immediately changed screens to the external security cameras outside. Without tripping any of the alarm systems he had in place, without alerting him as it was supposed to, someone had entered the property.

Reaching around to the gun she had shoved into her pocket earlier from Flynn's bag, Hayley looked between the two of them for answers. But Flynn was in the same stance she was. Gun in had, eyes locked on the door, ready for whatever was about to come through.

"That was a hand grenade," Flynn explained. "They're trying to get us out,"

"Hydra?" Hayley assumed.

"Well it's not Girl Scouts," Charlie added.

Both Hayley and Flynn knew that walking out would be a death wish, and so they waited for whoever was coming for them to bust through the door. But moments were passing without any attempt to get inside, and all they could hear were muffled gunshots and banging.

"We can't stay down here," Hayley shook her head. "They throw down another grenade, this place is going to fill with smoke,"

"We go out there and we're target practice," Flynn countered.

Another moment passed and Hayley took a step closer to the door, ready for whatever was going to come next. It would either be smoke, gunfire or abyss.

But when the door began to give way to the barging force on the other side, they were met with none of the options they readied themselves for.

Instead, Maria Hill walked inside, not blinking an eye at the fact she had two guns aimed directly at her by two very eager operatives. They watched as Hill took one look around the room before returning her gaze to the three of them.

"Grab a box each and follow me."


	11. Chapter 11

**XI - We Can't Stay Here**

* * *

There were flames everywhere as they all stepped out of the bunker, walking by bodies and bullets, looking around at the SHIELD vehicle that was turned upside down as it continued to burn. Hayley clung to the two boxes of files in her arms, worried she would trip over the fiery debris as she walked through the chaos.

"How the hell did they find us?" Flynn asked, looking around wide-eyed.

"They were tracking you," Hill informed, leading the way out of the wreckage.

"They couldn't have," Charlie argued. "I had a whole lockdown in there,"

"Clearly not," she returned. "They locked onto something and they've been watching you all,"

"How do know that?" Flynn asked.

"I've been watching them. SHIELD badges and uniforms don't mean anything to me right now, I need to keep my eye on everyone,"

"Then why are you trusting us?" Hayley asked.

Hill unlocked the small SUV that was parked outside the gates of the abandoned lot and signalled for them to pile inside with the boxes. She looked toward Hayley for a moment before glancing around at all of them, knowing that same question was on their minds.

"I'm not," she explained. "But if Hydra sees you as a threat, you could be useful."

"What, as bait?" Hayley countered.

"We're pretty happy to work on our own here Hill," Flynn added.

"Work? What work have you been doing exactly? Apart from hacking through all the security systems to find classified information," she argued, looking directly over to Charlie.

"More work than you've been doing it seems," Charlie snapped back. "Where have you been hiding out, huh? Burying yourself away and ignoring the shit-storm SHIELD created?"

"This isn't SHIELD," she assured.

"SHIELD, Hydra, what's the difference Hill?" Hayley asked. "No one in that organisation is who they said they were. As far as I can see, everyone at SHIELD is corrupt one way or another,"

Hill looked back at her and then between the other two. She was outnumbered in the argument, but she didn't care what any of them thought. She came here to get them out of that bunker, out of the hideout Hydra knew of and back to somewhere safe. Somewhere no one would find them, where they could actually make themselves useful to the fight against Hydra.

"If you'd rather stay here, go ahead," Hill offered. "If you want to do something about this, get in."

As Hill climbed into the SUV and started the engine, the three outside looked around at one another. Flynn didn't know what to think, and it was clear the Charlie just didn't trust Hill or SHIELD at all at this point. Hayley couldn't blame him either, she was just as wary.

"We said we wanted to do something," Flynn shrugged. "We can't stay here,"

"I don't trust her or any of them," Charlie argued. "Where the hell is she going to take us?"

"It'll be better than here or stranded out on the street with all of this," he explained. "Look, we've got no better options. We've got _no_ other options, actually."

Then, both Flynn and Charlie looked to Hayley for the final decision.

"We don't have a choice, do we?" she shrugged. "At least with Hill, Hydra won't track us,"

Charlie shook his head and looked away from both of them, back at the bunker that was now covered in smoke and dust. He thought they had been safe, he thought he had hidden every piece of tech from being tracked by the organisation and he was wrong. Hydra was a step ahead of him, and as much as it annoyed him, he needed to admit that he wasn't capable of protecting them on their own.

"Do you trust her?" Flynn asked, arms folded as Hill started up the engine on the car.

"I don't trust anyone right now," Hayley frowned. "But you said it yourself. We can't stay here,"

Without another word, the three of then turned toward the SUV and climbed inside, still carrying a box each of all the information Flynn and Charlie had gathered. Information that could not be in anyone else's possession right now.

Hill silently pulled a baseball cap over her head and slid on a pair of sunglasses, beginning to drive them out of the lot. Heading into the streets of the city, they all looked out at people beginning their days. Restaurants setting up their tables, stores opening their doors and families walking their children to school. Everything seemed so normal, no one out there had any idea about Hydra or the danger they were in.

Hill turned corner after corner and manoeuvred through traffic, but the morning commute was proving to be a roadblock in their journey.

"I hope we're not on a schedule," Flynn sighed, folding his arms as they sat at a standstill. "Don't suppose you'll reveal where we're going,"

"Somewhere safe," she assured. "If we can get there,"

Charlie slumped down further in the seat, pulling the hood of his jacket over his head to shield out the morning sun beaming down on them. He didn't care if he missed seeing the route they took to wherever they were going, he just wanted to be there already. It had been a long time since he had been out in the real world, away from his darkened rooms of hacking and surveillance. His mind was running wild thinking of how Hydra had tracked them down, he just wanted a break from it all.

Hayley moved to lean up against the door, her arm up to keep the burning sun from her eyes. She couldn't help watch Hill with paranoia, wondering where they were going and why she wasn't telling them anything. But there was no trust among anyone right now.

"Have you had any contact with Steve?" Hayley asked, unable to keep her curiosity at bay.

Hill returned Hayley's gaze through the rear-view mirror.

"No," she answered softly. "Last I saw of him he was crashing through a roof in the Triskellion,"

Hayley figured as much. Steve wouldn't contact anyone at SHIELD, not now. There was no one he could trust, and Hayley had never felt that more strongly.

They had been on the road for almost an hour when Hill began watching one of the rear mirrors closely, her glancing eyes obviously to both Flynn and Hayley who had been watching her cautiously for the entire drive.

"What?" Flynn asked.

"We've got a follower," Hill announced quietly. "Five blocks now,"

"It's morning commute," Flynn suggested. "Are you sure they're following us?"

"Two men," Hill explained. "They keep checking the backstreets. They're locked on us,"

"You said we couldn't be tracked," Charlie flung forward, poking his head in between Flynn and Hill.

"Tell me none of you have a cell-phone," she shook her head.

"No, everything we had is left back there," Flynn answered. "There's nothing on _us_ that can be tracked-"

"I've been moving for days and I haven't been found until..."

Hayley's mind trailed off from the argument in the front seat, piecing together something that had been on her mind since the moment she had her paranoia about Hydra. They were watching her all the time, they knew where she was, they always had their eye on her.

Flynn and Charlie had spent a week in that bunker without Hydra knowing they were there will all the classified information needed to take them down, and they were found the moment Hayley entered the situation. Hill had been out and about, driving around the city without Hydra picking up on the fact a high ranking SHIELD agent was monitoring their moves. But once Hayley came along, they found them within an hour.

"Take the next left," Hayley instructed, unclipping her seatbelt.

"What's the next left?" Flynn asked.

"I can get out by the time they catch up," she explained, readying herself. "They're tracking me,"

Hill watched her closely in the rear-view mirror.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," Hayley nodded, reaching over to take the baseball cap from Hill's head. "If I stay with you guys, you'll never make it out of the city,"

"Where are you going to go?" Charlie asked. "Do you even have an idea of what you're doing right now!"

"No I don't, alright! All I know is you guys have one window to get out of here and I have to get out for you to do that!" she yelled.

"Alright," Hill agreed. "Do _not_ let them get close to you. Lose them, take them down, whatever it takes. One hour and I'll be back for you,"

"In one hour they could still be tracking me," Hayley shook her head.

Hill turned in her seat to look at the woman.

"You need to make sure they're not,"

* * *

"I made breakfast. If you guys...eat that sort of thing,"

Steve chuckled lightly at Sam poking his head into the room and then ducking back out to the kitchen. He had never been so appreciative of someone he barely knew. Sam Wilson was a soldier as well, a good soldier, someone that Steve instantly trusted and had a respect for the moment they met. But that didn't mean Sam had to say yes to having two wanted SHIELD operatives in his house.

And yet he did. Covered in dust and blood, Natasha and Steve had been welcomed into Sam's home to gather their thoughts beneath Hydra's radar.

"You should eat something," Steve suggested, standing up to head out.

"I will," Natasha nodded. "I'll be out soon, I'll finish up here,"

Steve nodded, closing the door behind him to leave Natasha on her own for a while. He knew the spy was a very secretive person, and in the last 24 hours she had been more vulnerable than he had ever seen. The organisation they both worked for was crumbling, but to Natasha, she had once again been on the side of the bad guys.

Sam had food prepared on the table, pouring himself and Steve a glass of juice. There were a million questions going around his mind that he wanted to ask Steve, but over the last thirty minutes they had been there, Sam had gathered enough to know that this was big.

"You didn't have to do this," Steve told him with an appreciative smile.

"I would have been making it for myself anyway," Sam shrugged. "You're looking better,"

"I feel better," Steve nodded, sitting down at the table. "For the most part,"

"Not too bad after taking a hit from a missile," Sam added. "What are you gonna do now?"

"That's the question," Steve sighed. "Plans are a little hard to arrange when you're wanted,"

"Never thought I'd see Captain America as a wanted man," Sam shook his head. "I can't imagine what you're thinking right now,"

"I don't know what I'm thinking," Steve rubbed his eyes, taking a sip of juice. "Hydra...I never thought I'd deal with them again,"

They silently filled their plates with the breakfast Sam prepared, beginning to dig in. Steve didn't realise how hungry he was until he took his first bite, unable to stop himself from piling more onto his plate. Natasha had emerged from the bathroom, clean and ready for the rest of their day. Her body ached from the concrete that had fallen on top of her during the blast, but that was never going to hold her back.

She gulped down a glass of juice before taking a seat at the table with Sam and Steve, picking away at a piece of toast as she sat with her thoughts. Her mind was wired to think like a spy - and right now she was trying to figure out where to start with all of this. The biggest question now was finding out their biggest target.

"So, the question is who in SHIELD could launch a domestic missile strike?" Natasha posed.

Sam leaned back in his chair and looked between Steve and Natasha, wondering what they were thinking. He knew about SHIELD and how it operated, but he definitely didn't know enough about the organisation to offer any advice about personnel. But the more they spoke, the more a particular idea made it's way into Sam's mind.

There was a specific skill Sam had to offer, and although this wasn't necessarily his fight, the soldier in him wouldn't let the opportunity to help pass by. Especially since right now it seemed like Natasha and Steve were on their own in this.

Sam left the room for one moment as the two spoke between themselves, and returned with a file that he put down in front of them both, folding his arms as they both looked down in confusion.

"What's this?" Steve asked.

"Call it a resume."

* * *

 **Hey guys! I just want to say thank you for continuing to read and follow this story along, I'm hoping to really progress in the next few chapters. Although this is the Winter Soldier plot line, this story is going to continue past this plot. There will be a few more chapters on the movie-plot line before we get back to Steve and Hayley's storyline which will include the fallout of Winter Soldier plot. I hope you guys are looking forward to it!**

 **As always, I love hearing from you guys. If you have anything you'd like to add, suggestions or just any thoughts - please leave a review! xxx**


	12. Chapter 12

**XII - In A Maze**

Even with the baseball cap pulled down over head low enough to block out everyone's gaze on the street, Hayley knew Hydra was right behind her. Two men were walking across the street from her, watching, and she knew there was another a few metres back from her. There was no where she could go that they wouldn't follow. They were tracking her, they knew every move she made.

Picking up her pace, Hayley began to look around at all of the stores and cafes she hurried past. Everywhere was full of people. Innocent bystanders that were going to get hurt by Hydra's attempt to take her in, because there was no way she was going to go willingly and without a fight.

Hayley made the quick decision to rush into a mall, dodging the crowds of people and heading toward the maintenance corridors. Compared to the street outside and the mobs of people inside, this was the safest option. She made it into a small stairwell, but without a code or security keycard, she was trapped.

Crouching down in the corner of the stairwell, Hayley prepared herself for the first of an unknown amount of agents. She could hear their footsteps outside, slowly down, cautious and searching. The sound of the shoppers outside and the music playing throughout the mall made it difficult to zone in on how far away they were, but the mystery didn't last long at all.

The first agent entered the stairwell, a taser in his hand ready to take her down. Hayley jumped up from wheres she was and ran toward him at full speed, knocking him down the stairs and falling with him. One hand on his wrist where he held the taser, the other on his neck. By the sound of his fall, the Hydra agent was going to be suffering a few broken ribs and probably a sprained ankle, but Hayley didn't trust it to keep him down.

"Where is it, asshole?" she gritted through her teeth, turning his wrist around.

The man groaned against her hold on his neck, trying to take control of the power she had over him right now. It had been a long time since Hayley had been involved in a physical fight, since she had to use all the strength she had regained over the past few months, and right now she was learning that although muscle and skill were a big part of combat, adrenaline and pure rage were more powerful than anything else.

"They're coming for you," he warned with whatever breath he had left.

Hayley groaned against the man's strength, opting to silence him before more came. With one final shove, Hayley pushed the taser into the man's stomach and pushed off him. Watching his convulsing body hit the ground, she felt no guilt about leaving him there. Instead she waiting for the shocks to finish before kicking away the taser and going for the man's belt. She took out his knife and shoved it into her boot, reaching for his gun to aim toward the door that the other two were bound to be coming through any moment now.

And they did.

Shooting at them in this mall was her last resort, but she was willing to make as much noise and chaos as possible if it meant getting away from them. But she wouldn't risk an innocent person's life. That's where she and Hydra different at this very moment.

"On your knees," one of the men ordered, aiming toward her in return.

The other man stood at his fellow agent's side, glaring over at her, eyes focused on whatever move she was about to make. Hayley lowered her gun and began to sink to the ground, staring back at them just the same.

"Does Hydra track all their asshole minions too?" Hayley asked, setting the gun down in front of her.

"Just the feral ones," one gun-wielder returned.

"How sweet of you," she muttered, watching closely as the other man stepped closer.

She felt his hands grab her shoulders, pushing her down so he could grab her wrists and bound them, but Hayley wasn't ready to let that happen. Never again would she be a captive to them.

Throwing her head back with all the force she had, Hayley knocked the man backward against his head and rolled on top of him, lifting his head once more to slam against the concrete floor beneath them. With two unconscious now, the last remaining agent wasn't about to risk the same fate. He fired a shot toward her, scraping along her shoulder as she jumped out of his way.

Ignoring the sting, she lunged at the man and began rolling around on the ground in a power struggle. People outside, far along the corridor, began screaming and running in terror. It wouldn't be long now until security and police showed up, and that meant that Hayley needed to get out of here.

But not before she got her answer.

"Where is it!" she snarled, pinning the man against the floor.

The man spat into her face and rolled on top of her, slamming her arms onto the concrete and holding her down with his body. Hayley tried to push off him, but all her efforts did was roll them down another flight of hard, concrete stairs. Her back slammed into the wall, the man's body still on top of her. Seeing her chance, she ignored the pain and pushed him back, her knee pressing hard into his groin.

A sound groan of pain escaped the man's lips, and he cried out slurs that she ignored while staring down at him.

"How are they tracking me?" she asked again, this time more aggressive and impatient.

The man laughed, shaking his head.

"You're like a little rat, you know that?" he countered. "You don't know what they did to you or what they're _still_ doing to you, do you? You're a little lab experiment to them. A rat in a maze you're never going to get out of."

Hayley reached down to grab the knife out of the side of her boot, flicking out the blade and pressing it against the man's neck.

"Four minutes," she whispered. "That's how long it'll take for you to bleed out,"

The man laughed again, groaning at the extra pressure Hayley applied to both her knee against his groin and the knife against his neck.

"You won't," he grinned. "Your morals get in your way,"

"I don't have morals when it comes to Hydra," she warned in a tone that made the man questions his own belief about her.

Hayley pressed the blade harder into his neck, the tip of the knife beginning to cut into his skin. The man gritted through his teeth, fighting off a cry of pain. Hydra taught them to never give into torture, to never give up, to die before giving in. But the pain was getting to him and the look in Hayley's eyes made him worry she was far from bluffing.

"It's not going to change what's happening," he warned, his voice muffled by his pain and panic.

"Where. Is. It." she repeated, ignoring his words.

Hayley was quickly losing whatever patience she had left. The alarms were ringing through the building and soon there would be police swarming, and when they did, she could not be anywhere near it. She need to run, and she needed to run now.

"Last chance," she snarled.

Pressing the knife harder, blood began to run along the blade and drip onto the concrete beneath them. Hayley was unsure of just how far she would go, feeling like she had no control over her body right now.

"Aaah!" the man screamed, beginning to thrash in pain. "Left ear! Left ear! It's- aaah! It's behind the left ear!"

Hayley thought about his answer, her mind reeling with thoughts. Flashes of her past with Hydra, flashes she hadn't ever seen before.

* * *

 _Every move she made ended with pain. The chair she was strapped to was designed to keep her there, and it was working. There was a restraint around her head, holding her exactly where she was with no chance of movement._

 _"How long will it take to heal?" one man asked._

 _"Not long, less than a week," the other man in the white coat explained. "Small incision, it won't leave a scar, she won't even notice. Not that she'll remember,"_

 _"We're not taking chances,"_

 _"Of course not."_

 _And then there was a searing pain behind her ear, pressing against her skull, and she could feel a pair of tweezer-like prongs entering her skin. But she couldn't move away from the pain, she just had to sit there and deal with it._

 _She couldn't see any of their faces - they were all a blurry mess - and there was not one familiar voice around her. All she could think about was ripping the restraints and running, but she had no idea where to run. She had no idea where she was._

* * *

Hayley had managed to get herself away from the chaos going on at the mall and find a moment of calm in a gas station restroom. She had ran through the streets until she was clear of the drama, taking every backstreet and alley she saw in the unfamiliar city. There was a gun hidden in the back of her pants, but the knife was now in her hands, being washed in the sink of the run-down, tiny bathroom.

Being here didn't mean she was safe, it just meant she had a chance to take control. Hydra were still tracking her, and with police responding to the shooting at the mall, they would know Hayley was on the run once again.

She didn't have time to second-guess her plan. Ever since she realised she was the one being tracked, all that had been on her mind was getting rid of whatever was inside her or attached to her that put her on Hydra's radar.

She looked up into the mirror, lifting off the baseball cap to feel behind her left ear. If she weren't searching for something out of the ordinary, she wouldn't have felt it. But the flashes of memory were fresh in her mind, and it was like she could feel the incision all over again. Which was exactly what was about to happen.

Lifting the knife up to her ear, Hayley searched for the small free-moving piece of tech underneath her skin, and pressed the tip of the blade just by its side. It took little pressure to cut through the skin, and she felt her blood trickle down her neck and along the knife to run along her fingers. She let the knife drop back into the sink as she lifted her other arm up to push along her skin, slowly and gently pushing the small square-shaped object out of the incision.

"Shit," Hayley grit through her teeth, feeling the sting of the cut as her fingers pulled the tech away and into her line of sight.

It was barely a microchip. It was thin, covered in bright red blood, but otherwise completely clear. Undetectable. She hated that it had been there this whole time without her knowledge. She had obsessed so much over what Hydra had planted in her apartment or anything else she owned to follow her actions, but the whole time it was inside of her.

Holding it between her hands, she snapped the small chip in half and then snapped it once again before washing it's remains down the drain.

She did her best to wash away the blood on her neck, but she was running out of time. Any moment now more Hydra agents would be on their way to the last location of the tracking device, and she needed to move fast.

Stepping back outside from the restroom, Hayley pulled the baseball cap back onto her head and dug her hands into her pocket as she began walking along the street. In the distance she could see clouds of smoke, she could hear screams and sirens, absolute chaos.

As she slowed her pace, watching the flames burning in the distance, she noticed three black SUVs driving into the madness. SHIELD SUVs. This was Hydra.

"Get in!"

Hayley jumped at the voice yelling out to her, turning her head to see Flynn driving a small cab. He was wearing a beanie and sunglasses, sitting low in the car. Without a second thought, Hayley climbed into the passenger seat.

"I was about to head back to the mall," she explained.

"Bad idea," he shook his head, pulling away from the curb.

"How else were you going to find me? How _did_ you find me?" she asked.

"Luck," he shrugged. "I've been driving around the city for ten minutes."

"What's going on?" she asked, looking around at the empty back seat. "Where's Charlie?"

"Safe," Flynn sighed. "Where we're going to be in twenty minutes when I can get us out of here,"

"What about Hill?" she questioned, looking around at the people running on the streets as they drove past.

"She's somewhere in there," Flynn pointed, gesturing over to the chaos.

"What the hell is going on?"

Flynn looked over to her for a moment before his eyes returned to the road.

"They're about to take in Steve and Romanoff," he explained.

"What!" Hayley shouted. "We need to go in there! What are you doing!"

"Jesus, calm down alright? Hill's on it. _We_ need to get out of here."

Hayley tried to look down all of the streets they were passing to get a glimpse of what was going on, but all she saw was smoke and military vehicles.

"Hydra won't let them get away," Hayley shook her head, feeling herself begin to panic.

"I said Hill's on it, trust me," Flynn assured. "She's going to bring them to the same place we're going right now. Now, _please_ tell me you got rid of whatever they were tracking you with,"

Pulling down the side of her jacket for Flynn to see her bloodstains, she nodded and lifted it back up to cover the mess on her skin.

"It's gone,"

* * *

 **Hey guys! Thanks for continuing to read!  
YES, next chapter Hayley and Steve will be reunited!  
Please leave a review with any thoughts/suggestions xxx**


	13. Chapter 13

**XIII - About Damn Time**

* * *

When the car stopped outside an old, almost abandoned dam entrance, Hayley was tempted to ask what they were doing here. It was in the middle of a bushland, surrounded by overgrown weeds, trees and vines. But Flynn had told her they were going somewhere safe, and after all she had been through with him in the last 48 hours, she trusted his words.

"This is where Hill is coming back to?" she asked, stepping out of the car.

"It's secure," Flynn assured. "There's only a few people who know what's really going on with Hydra and those helicarriers, and they're all in there,"

Hayley looked over to him with a confused and concerned expression.

"All? Who the hell is in there Flynn?" she asked, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Honestly, it's just going to sound insane if I explain it to you. Go see for yourself,"

Hayley let out a groan in frustration, her exhaustion finally getting to her. She stepped closer to the entrance of the long, dark tunnel. She could hear movement inside, voiced muffled by the echoes they made, and she began to wonder who was waiting inside.

"After you," she nodded, looking over to Flynn.

With a small roll of his eyes, Flynn walked out in front of her and lead the way into the tunnel. He could understand why she was being so paranoid, out of everyone involved in all of this she certainly deserved that the most, but it was becoming frustrating that she still questioned her trust in him. They couldn't afford not to trust one another at this point, despite how risky it was to trust in anything at all.

Flynn walked into the tunnel, his pace faster than Hayley would have liked. She was trying to look around every corner, every door, to make sure that she knew where to go if anything bad was about to happen. She was thinking like a soldier.

"Pick up the pace O'Connor," Flynn called out. "Neither of us have eaten in over a day, I'm starving,"

Hayley began stepping a little faster, moving closer to Flynn, but still keeping some distance. It was getting darker in the tunnel, but it was illuminated by dull lights all along the wall that made her feel like she was walking into a really old factory.

As they walked further into the tunnel, Flynn led them off down a joining corridor where it was lit up just the same as the others. Hayley wondered how many doorways and corridors were in this place, how deep it went, where it was going to lead. But she didn't have time to worry too much, her attention being stolen by the large room she was led into, her eyes meeting Charlie's. He was sitting at a large conference table on a metal chair, finishing off a bowl of rice and vegetables.

"Finally," he shook his head, sighing. "Thought you two left me here for good,"

"Thought about it," Flynn yawned, moving over to the storage container.

Hayley watched him carefully, seeing two styrofoam boxes being pulled out and placed on the table. Flynn looked over to her with a small smile, lifting a fork to set on top of each. Food. She hadn't realised how hungry she was until she could smell the aroma of Charlie's meal. Even if it was as bland as boiled rice and vegetables, she desperately wanted to eat as much as she could.

Charlie watched her head over to sit by Flynn, lifting the lid off the box and seeing the warm meal in front of her.

"What the hell happened to you?" Charlie asked, noticing the red stain against Hayley's neck and jacket.

Before she answered him, Hayley took a mouthful of rice and savoured the flavour. Never did she think the taste of boiled rice would be so appetising. Flynn made a soft groan of satisfaction as he took a bite too, and the next few moments were full of the sound of small sighs and chewing.

"I got rid of the tracker," Hayley explained, mouth full.

"Where the hell was it?" Charlie pressed.

Hayley turned slightly and lifted her hair from beneath the baseball cap, showing him the cut that was most definitely going to leave a scar.

"God, you're brutal O'Connor,"

"I was in a rush," she defended.

"They can patch that up for you here," Flynn explained, taking another mouthful.

"Who?" she asked, shaking her head. "Who do you keep talking about?"

"Oh, didn't he tell you? We're at a SHIELD reunion camp, it's just great!" Charlie shook his head bitterly.

"Would you rather be out there being hunted? Go ahead," Flynn argued.

Charlie glared back at him. It was beyond obvious that the anti-social hacker wanted to be anywhere other than here, but this was no one's first choice. In fact this was their only choice at all, and if it meant they would be safe from Hydra, they weren't going to pass it up.

"Flynn," Hayley turned to him, a knowing look on her face.

With a long sigh and a nod, Flynn pushed his now empty container away from him and stood up from the table. Hayley followed in the same manner, finishing one more mouthful of the remaining rice. Leading them out of the room, Flynn looked down the corridors that were all joined together.

"There's a doctor around here somewhere," he explained. "He fixed us up, I'm sure he'll put a few stitches in for you,"

"I'm not worried about that right now," Hayley shook her head honestly. "Something tells me that before all of this is over, we'll need more than a few stitches,"

"I got that feeling too O'Connor," Flynn chuckled, shaking his head. "Come on, I know where he is. He's always monitoring him,"

Hayley's brows pulled together in confusion, slowly following behind Flynn as they continued around the corner.

"Monitoring who?"

They were in another room now, one full of medical equipment and machines. Heart-rate monitors, emergency defibrillators, and a bed in the middle of the room that was circled by a light blue curtain. It was almost a hospital room.

Flynn walked over to the curtain and grabbed it with one hand, peeling it back along the metal rod and revealing the patient laying in the bed. Hayley almost fell to the floor in shock at who laid there, very much alive.

"Fury," she breathed out, surprised, her eyes wide in disbelief.

"Nice to see you made it out," Fury greeted, a small grin on his lips. "How do you like the new office?"

* * *

It was almost an hour later when Hill arrived back at the dam tunnels with three others in tow. Steve, Natasha and Sam Wilson all piled out of the van with groans and sighs of discomfort. They had just fought Hydra through the streets, been captured and were almost confronted with their own execution. And yet all that was on Steve's mind right now was the man he saw back there. The man who stopped him in his tracks with a single look.

Bucky was alive. Hydra had him. All this time Steve had lived thinking his best friend died back in the war, he had blamed himself for not being able to save him, and there he was standing right in front of him. But it was barely a shadow of the man he knew. Bucky didn't even know his name. He looked at Steve with vacant eyes, with no idea of who he was.

Hydra had taken him to be their experiment, their own personal soldier, and Steve's world had just been turned upside down for the second time in two days. And it was about to do another loop. Natasha had a nasty gunshot wound on her shoulder that needed medical attention immediately, but Hill had assured them that they would want to see 'him' first.

It didn't take long for that person to be revealed as their fallen leader.

"About damn time," Fury greeted as they walked into his room.

The Director explained his survival as the doctor tended to Natasha's injury, but Steve stood back over by the door with his arms folded. Knowing Fury was alive gave him some relief after all that had happened, but that relief quickly turned to anger. Secrecy was exactly what got them into this position, and if Fury wanted to go forward in stopping Hydra, he needed to start being honest.

"Any attempt on the Director's life had to look successful," Agent Hill explained.

"Can't kill you if you're already dead," Fury summed up. "Besides, I wasn't sure who to trust,"

Natasha frowned at his words, taking his caution personally. Fury had been the one person Natasha was fully trusting of. Whatever he asked her to do, she did so with no questions asked. It hurt to know that trust didn't work both ways.

"I'll take a look at your lacerations soon Captain," the doctor cut in, still applying bandages to Natasha's arm.

Steve looked over to him gratefully, but he shook his head and gestured toward Sam instead.

"He needs stitches," Steve explained.

"Man, I'm fine," Sam shook his head, folding his arms.

"I'll take a look at those next then," the doctor agreed.

Hill walked over to Steve a moment later, nodding toward the hall for them to step out of the room. Steve didn't say a word, following her with his arms still folded. He was doing nothing to disguise how frustrated he was with this whole situation and he didn't care how angry and upset he seemed. After everything today, he deserved that.

When they stepped out of the room, a man was leaning up against the wall outside, hands in his pockets and dark, tired eyes staring back at the two of them.

"Who's this?" Steve asked, looking to Hill.

"This is Agent Flynn," Hill explained. "Earlier this morning I retrieved him, an old SHIELD technician, and Private O'Connor from a bunker in the city,"

"You found Hayley?" he asked, his tone changing from angry to desperate. "Where is she? Is she alright?"

Hill nodded, looking over to Flynn.

"She's just down here," Flynn explained, beginning to walk along the tunnel and gesturing for Steve to follow. "We're all exhausted, I was going to wake her when you all got in, but I figured she could use a few hours of shut eye,"

Steve nodded, glad that this man didn't wake her. It was hard enough for Hayley to get a wink of sleep on a normal day, he knew she must have been completely exhausted to fall asleep in the middle of the evening like that. She was running on empty, just like the rest of them, just like Steve.

"Is she alright?" Steve asked again, wanting a clear answer.

"She's fine," he assured. "I'll let her do all the explaining when she wakes up,"

Steve's brow furrowed in concern.

"Something happened?"

"Everything happened," Flynn scoffed. "I wouldn't know where to start,"

They continued down the corridor before turning into a room, dim lights illuminating a small bed in the corner where Hayley laid silently, her eyes closed and her breath coming out thick and tired. It was hard to ignore the wave of relief that washed over Steve the moment he laid eyes on her, his lips pulling up into a small smile. This whole time he was so worried about her, with no idea where she was or who she was with, and now he was at ease with the fact she was right here in front of him.

Flynn stood by the door as Steve stepped closer, kneeling down by her side and reaching out to brush her hair from her face. But before his hands could touch her skin, he saw the red stains all over her jacket, the blood dried to the side of her neck. He stood up, looking back over to Flynn with an angry, confused expression.

"What happened?" he asked. "Why is she covered in bl-"

"Steve?"

Both Steve and Flynn's eyes locked onto Hayley the moment they heard her voice, watching as her tired eyes opened and she pushed herself to sit up. The last time she opened her eyes, she was alone in the room waiting for Flynn to find them some clean clothes, and now Steve was here. Right in front of her. Alive.

"Steve?" she repeated, more aware this time. "Oh my god,"

Steve hurried to wrap his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace before she had a chance to stand up. The sound of her voice was something he had been looking forward to for days now, and it was just as soothing as he had hoped. Flynn took his cue and left the two alone, walking down the corridor to get some rest of his own before they inevitably went back out into the chaos.

"God I missed you," Steve whispered into her ear, closing his eyes as he held her close, tight. "Please tell me you're okay,"

"I'm fine Steve," she assured, her arms clutching at his back. "I was so worried about you,"

Steve pulled back slightly and pressed his forehead to hers, savouring the glimpse of her eyes looking back into his own. He wasted no time in crushing their lips together a moment later, kissing his love like he hadn't seen her for years. But every moment Steve was away from her during these past few days, all he could think about was when she was missing.

He promised he would protect her, stop anything like that ever happening again, and he had lost her all over again.

"Are you okay? You're bruised," Hayley worried, pulling back to run her hand over his swollen jaw.

"It doesn't hurt," he shook his head. "What's this?"

Hayley felt him push her hair back away from her neck, exposing the remaining blood over her skin. Hayley didn't even want to think about Hydra's tracker. It was something she was suppressing for now, something she didn't have time to obsess over until all over this was taken care of.

"Getting Hydra out of my head," she explained. "They were tracking me,"

Steve's eyes widened and his jaw twitched with anger.

"Hydra?"

"Hydra, SHIELD, whoever these assholes are," Hayley shook her head. "Whoever had me for all that time,"

"How did you find it?" he asked.

Hayley thought about explaining everything to him once he had asked, but another thought entered her mind instead. She wanted to tell him that Flynn got her out of the city, that he and Charlie had been one step ahead the whole time, that they had explained everything to her. She wanted him to understand everything she had been doing over these two days, and she wanted to know where he had been.

She wanted to ask him how he got here, where Natasha was, how they had gotten out of the city when it looked like a war zone. But she didn't.

Hayley just stared at him silently for what felt like forever, before she finally spoke.

"Did you know that I killed people?" she asked, her eyes fixed on his. "Fury had footage of me, footage of when I was missing."

Steve's stomach dropped at her words, his whole body beginning to go numb with panic, fear and worry. Hayley could see his concern, but she didn't want to get her answer from just his body language. She knew that right now was the worst possible time to bring this up. They had just reunited, they had so many questions for one another, and yet her mind wouldn't let her pass this moment without knowing for sure.

"Steve," Hayley whispered, her voice almost cracking.

"Hayley-"

"I killed people, Steve. I don't even know how many, and I don't remember a thing about it. But I need _you_ to tell me the truth," she pushed. "You have to tell me the truth Steve, that's what we do. Please."

Steve had never felt so sick in his life, and his heart felt like it had stopped beating moments ago.

"I can-"

"Yes or no, Steve. Did you know?"

With the softest voice he had ever spoken, full of regret and shame, Steve answered her honestly. Just like he had promised he always would.

"Yes."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading guys!**

 **Please leave a review with any thoughts xxxx**


	14. Chapter 14

**XIV - Where Was Your Plan Then?**

* * *

The word echoed through Hayley's mind as if it had been screamed at her, but Steve had barely whispered. It was an answer that Hayley was prepared for receiving, but not one she was ready to accept. She had been so quick to defend him when Flynn and Charlie explained it was Steve who locked the footage with Fury, to refuse any notion that he would lie to her about something like this. Something so huge. Especially when he was the one person she had been completely honest with about how afraid and paranoid she was.

But they had been right.

"Hayley, please let me explain," Steve began, watching as her eyes stared back at him blankly.

His stomach was twisting in knots just watching her, wishing he could hear the million thoughts that ran through her mind. After a moment, he noticed her eyes move away from him, instead reaching over to grab her boots to pull back on. She didn't know how long she had been asleep, but there was going to be no more rest now, she might as well be ready for whatever was coming next.

"Hayley?" Steve asked cautiously.

"I told you I thought SHIELD knew something," she shook her head, still looking down at her boots as she tightened the laces. "I told you I thought I was going crazy and you...you just _let_ me,"

"I wanted to tell you," Steve pleaded. "Believe me, I didn't want you to find out from anyone else. Every day I wanted to tell you,"

Hayley sat up and looked toward him, her arms folded across her stomach.

"So why didn't you?"

Steve stared back at her with a soft sigh, shaking his head. He looked so defeated, so distressed, and with everything that had happened in the past few hours, he could barely find the words to explain a thing.

"We wanted to know if it was real or not," he began. "SHIELD were using all their resources to find what happened to you, and then these videos were sent to us anonymously out of nowhere with no explanation, we couldn't trust it,"

"That's a really shitty excuse Steve," Hayley argued. "Real or not, I had a _right_ to know about that footage."

Steve nodded his head in agreement, running his hand over his mouth and wishing he could turn back time to fix this. There was one person that Steve cared about more than anyone else throughout all of this, and it was him who managed to hurt her deeper than all of this mess.

"I know," he agreed, looking back to her. "All I wanted was to protect you, and I was scared I'd lose you again and it was selfish and it got in the way,"

Hayley stared back at him, wondering how this man she loved so much could keep something like this from her. It wasn't that she couldn't see his logic, she could. He wanted to keep her safe and protect her from anything that could ever hurt her, including this information. But it didn't make it hurt any less.

"This was a stupid time to bring this up," she shook her head, rubbing her temples. "I shouldn't hav-"

"No, we need to talk about it," Steve encouraged.

"But not now," she shook her head. "Not with everything going on. I just got you back,"

Steve's lips pulled into a small smile.

"I shouldn't have left you at the hospital," he admit.

"I was fine, still am," Hayley assured. "It's you that had me worried. Are you okay?"

Steve looked down at his bruised hands, clenching them into fists.

"No," he sighed. "Not physically,"

"What did they do to you?" Hayley asked, concerned.

"It's what they did to him. To Bucky,"

"Bucky?" Hayley repeated, confused. "Barnes?"

Steve nodded.

"Hydra has him. They're using him like a weapon, he's not...he didn't even remember me," he explained.

Hayley's lips parted in shock, wondering how Hydra managed to keep a man alive for over seventy years. But knowing Hydra's experiments, Bucky wasn't alive without a cost. Without any memory, Hydra could do whatever they wanted with the soldier.

It seemed to be Hydra's favourite game. Capture someone, erase their memories, have them do the dirty work.

"You saw him?"

"He's the Winter Soldier," he explained. "The one who took down Fury, the one I chased across the roof the other night, it's Bucky. When he fell from the train that day...I should have gone looking for him,"

"No one could have survived that fall," Hayley shook her head. "Whatever Hydra did isn't your fault Steve,"

With a slight nod, Steve tried to convince himself that Hayley's words were true. But seeing Bucky today filled Steve with a guilt he had been trying so hard to let go of, and this time it came back feeling ten times worse. He couldn't save his best friend, and now he was turned into a monster. A weapon, someone who couldn't remember who he was and had his humanity stripped.

"He looked at me and...he had no idea," Steve spoke once again.

Hayley reached out and wrapped her arms around him, sliding closer to his body to hold him close.

It didn't matter how angry or frustrated she was with him right now, nothing was going to change how much she cared about Steve. She was hurt and betrayed, and yet she could feel all of his pain too. Hayley loved Steve, and that wasn't ever going to change.

"I'm sorry," Steve whispered, his head buried into Hayley's shoulder. "I'm so sorry,"

"I don't want to do this right now," Hayley told him quietly. "I don't want to think about any of it. I want to stay like this, just for a little while. Please?"

Steve turned to press a kiss against Hayley's neck, holding her tight and wrapping his arms further around her body. This was all he had been wanting since all of this chaos had begun, he was happy to let this moment linger on for as long as Hayley wanted. After what she had just discovered about her disappearance, about what Steve was keeping from her, he was just glad she wanted to stay here with him.

Steve knew this was something they were going to deal with in the future, but all he could let himself worry about right now is making sure they got that future.

* * *

"This man declined the Nobel Peace Prize. He said 'peace wasn't an achievement, it was a responsibility'," Fury commented. "See, it's stuff like this that gives me trust issues,"

Everyone in the room was watching as Fury spoke, holding up a photo of Alexander Pierce. The man behind all of this. Even from the corner where Hayley sat beside Charlie and Flynn, she could see Steve's jaw clenching in anger at the sight of the man. But that wasn't all that was making him frustrated right now.

"We have to stop the launch," Natasha announced.

Flynn and Charlie had been onto this much earlier than the rest, and even with all of the time they had spent hacking into SHIELD and Hydra's files, they still didn't know how it would be possible to stop the launch. At least, it couldn't be done with just two of them, they had known that much.

"I don't think the council is accepting my calls anymore," Fury explained, moving a case into the middle of the table and lifting it open.

Inside were three tech chips and nothing more. Everyone's eyes focused onto them, their brows creasing in confusion.

"What's that?" Sam asked, thinking the same as everyone else.

Hayley didn't know this man yet, all she knew was he had been with Steve and Natasha when the Winter Soldier attacked. Sam helped them when they needed it most, and he was still here by their sides ready to fight against whoever he needed to in order to help.

"Once the helicarriers reach three thousand feet, they'll triangulate with Insight satellites, becoming fully weaponised," Maria explained.

"I told you this three hours ago," Charlie cut in, looking over to Hill, completely frustrated. "Where was your plan then?"

"Targeting blades?" Flynn asked, still looking at the case.

Fury nodded.

"We need to breach those carriers and replace their targeting blades with our own," he explained.

"One or two won't cut it," Hill announced. "We need to link all three carriers for this to work, because if even one of those ships remains operational a whole lot of people are gonna die,"

"We have to assume everyone aboard those carriers is HYDRA," Fury continued. "We need to get pass them, insert the server blades, and maybe, just maybe, we can salvage what's left-"

"We're not _salvaging_ anything," Steve cut in, his voice firm and clear. "We're not just taking down the carriers, we're taking down SHIELD."

Hayley looked over to Steve and felt her lips tug into a small smirk. After everything that had happened under SHIELD's nose, within their own facilities, there was no way he was going to trust what was left. There were Hydra agents in high ranking positions all throughout SHIELD. The only way to completely rid SHIELD of Hydra was to get rid of SHIELD itself.

"SHIELD had nothing to do with it," Fury defended.

"You gave me this mission," Steve shook his head. "this is how it ends. SHIELD's been compromised, you said so yourself. HYDRA grew right under your nose and nobody noticed."

"Why do you think we're meeting in this cave? I noticed," Fury replied.

"And how many paid the price before you did?" Steve asked.

Fury looked down at Steve's words, his eyes gazing over to Hayley who stared back at him emotionless. When she first discovered Fury was alive, her questions were not about his current health or his choice to hide in this underground facility. She wanted to know why Hydra managed to grow to the point it did inside SHIELD, why trusted agents and leaders planned horrific attacks and assassinations without anyone noticing, and why the fact that Hydra was responsible for her disappearance.

The conversation was less than pleasant, and Fury knew that he no longer had Hayley's trust. And he couldn't blame her for that. But he also knew the other person Steve was referring to.

"Look, I didn't know about Barnes," he admit.

"Even if you did, would you have told me?" Steve asked bitterly. "Or would you have compartmentalised that too? SHIELD, Hydra - it all goes,"

Fury's eyes moved across to Maria Hill, sitting by his side. She looked to him sadly in return, nodding her head. She could see why Fury wanted to keep anything left of the organisation, but it wouldn't be right. Nothing was safe anymore.

"He's right," she told him.

"Well, looks like you're giving the orders now Captain," Fury nodded.

* * *

Hayley pulled the long-sleeved black shirt over her head, tucking her belt around the top of her cargo pants and securing her uniform. This was her first real mission since her disappearance, and as determined as she was to make sure she was ready, she couldn't help feeling nervous. This wasn't just a mission she needed to complete and sign off on in order to move to the next. This determined everything.

This was taking down the organisation that had taken away a year and a half of her life, the organisation that made her take the lives of innocent people, who made her become someone she didn't want to be. Hydra was about to take over everything she cared about saving. If this mission cost her life, she was prepared to give it.

As she looked back into the mirror, she saw Steve standing behind her leaning against the door. He was watching her with a soft expression, but Hayley could see all of the panic in his eyes. Steve didn't need to say a single word for her to see how worried he was.

"You'll get him back," Hayley assured, turning to face him.

Steve nodded with a small smile, shaking his head.

"No everyone thinks so," he replied sadly.

A few minutes earlier, he had been talking to Steve outside while he thought of his childhood memories with Bucky. He could see Sam's logic - Bucky was no longer the person Steve knew. He had no memory of that life, and he wouldn't be seeing Steve as a childhood friend today. Bucky would be seeing him as the enemy.

"Not everyone has to," she told him, folding her arms. "Everyone has their own reasons for being in this fight,"

"And you're sure you want to be in it?" he asked.

Hayley looked back at him with a small sigh, running her hand through her hair and scrunching it between her fingers.

"You're seriously asking me that?"

"I'm not saying you shouldn't," he defended, stepping further into the room. "You have every reason to want Hydra brought down,"

"Then what? You're worried? I'm worried about you too Steve and the thought of asking if you're sure hasn't even crossed my mind," she snapped.

"These people aren't just Hydra agents, they're the people that took you and-"

"I know who they are!" Hayley cut him off angrily. "You don't need to remind me of that,"

Steve sighed, resting his hands on his hips and taking a moment to collect his thoughts. He would never ask her to step away from this mission, but it didn't mean he felt entirely comfortable with it. She was trained for this, she had done this before and she could handle herself. But that wasn't what Steve was worried about.

Hydra had a way of getting into people's minds. If they got to Hayley out there, he worried what it might do to her. Memories would be triggered, ones that she shouldn't face while out on the field. Memories that Hayley would have rather remain forgotten.

"I'm sorry," Hayley shook her head. "I just want to be out there already,"

"I know," Steve stepped forward, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I have to make a quick stop first,"

Hayley looked up at him curiously.

"What for?

Steve grinned slightly, hands slipping into his pockets as he shrugged.

"If you're gonna fight a war, you gotta wear a uniform,"


	15. Chapter 15

**XV - Not A Chance In Hell**

Sitting in the back of the SHIELD transport vehicle, Hayley couldn't take her eyes off Steve. As he pulled on his boots and tightened the laces, he looked over at the cowl he would be putting on once they were ready to step out. This wasn't like any other mission for Steve.

He wasn't just suiting up to become Captain America and complete an assignment. He was becoming the man his best friend would remember. Wearing the uniform Bucky had last seen him in. His Bucky. Not the man he saw yesterday.

"I know you want him to remember," Hayley spoke, knowing that alone here in the back of the vehicle, no one else would hear their words. "I want him to remember too. But are you ready for what could happen if he doesn't?"

Steve sighed and looked up to meet her gaze. She looked beyond worried for him, thinking about how far Bucky would go in a fight if he didn't remember Steve to be his best friend. If those memories of their childhood didn't come back, Steve didn't know how far either of them were going to go. He couldn't take down the man who looked back at him. It just wasn't an option.

"He will," he assured, trying to convince himself as well.

Hayley just watched him once more as he adjusted the fittings of his suit, making sure he was comfortable and ready to go as soon as the vehicle stopped. Once they stepped out, everything would change. Neither of them were going to stop until Hydra was buried for good this time.

Hydra had taken Steve's life from him once, and he wasn't about to lose it again. Knowing they were behind Hayley's disappearance was enough to drive him past the point of rage, and finding out they also had Bucky under their control was only spurring his hate.

Both he and Hayley had their own personal war to fight today, but they had the same common goal, and neither of them would stop until Hydra had no chance of survival.

"Hey," Steve whispered, calling for Hayley's attention softly.

Hayley looked up at him, staring into his eyes as if afraid to look away.

"I know it's a lot to ask right now, but promise me something?" he asked.

"That depends," Hayley responded cautiously.

"That you'll get out alive,"

Hayley stared back into Steve's eyes, no sign of teasing or joking in sight. With any mission either of them went on, they always wished one another luck and reminded them to be careful, but this time that wasn't going to cut it. They both knew how far the other was prepared to go in order to take these people down and make them pay for what they had done, but Steve couldn't stand the idea of Hayley losing her life when she had just gotten it back.

"Can you promise me the same?" she asked.

Neither of them said a word, knowing that it really wasn't something they could promise or guarantee. This was something they never expected to be faced with, and over the course of a few days they had each been turned into different people.

They each rocked in their seats as the vehicle drove into the rough terrain, nearing their destination. As their silence continued, Hayley moved from her seat to balance her way into Steve's lap. His arms immediately wound around her, holding her close, as she put her hands on either side of his face. Neither of them had to say a word. They knew everything they wanted one another to know. Despite anger, frustration and secrecy, they loved each other more than anything.

Steve tilted his head and reached up to press his lips to Hayley's, closing his eyes and savouring the moment of being with her like this. Just the two of them in the middle of chaos, a moment of peace. Hayley deepened the kiss when she ran her fingers into his hair, pulling Steve as close as possible. Steve's hands wandered over her back and along her legs, but soon enough they had to take a breath, and they broke apart with a soft gasp.

"I love you," Steve told her softly, brushing his hand along her cheek.

"I love you, too." Hayley repeated as she pressed their foreheads together.

Their moment of peace was coming to a close.

* * *

Once they had reached the Triskellion, Hayley and Steve parted ways. He, Maria and Sam made their way to the Project Insight headquarters as discreetly as possible. Steve Rogers was a wanted man, and SHIELD would be looking for him everywhere. With their technology and staff, it wouldn't be long. They would be looking for Hayley too, the closest person Steve had in his life, to draw him out. But that was part of their plan.

"We shouldn't have been able to get this close already," Flynn mumbled, looking around for any attack coming their way.

He and Hayley were walking down a back corridor on their way to the Triskellion lobby, where Natasha was working her part of the mission. That's where Alexander Pierce would be welcoming the members of the World Security Council, putting on a show for all to see, pretending to be the selfless man at the helm of an organisation designed to protect rather than kill.

 _"Smile you two, you're on camera,"_ Charlie's voice came into their ear. _"You're on about sixty of them actually,_ "

"Then SHIELD is either very slow or we're walking right into their own plan," Hayley answered.

Charlie looked around all of the camera footage he could hack into, searching for anyone heading toward the two. He moved from his position in the front seat of the vehicle to the back, hoping to gain a better range for the building across the water.

"Did we have a plan for not being detained?" Flynn asked, his expression cool and collected.

"Keep walking," Hayley shrugged.

 _"Security closing in behind you,"_ Charlie advised. _"Looks like Pierce was just notified of your arrival, well done. He just gave an order. And you'll be stopped in three, two..."_

"Good evening Agents," a man's voice came from behind. "Been busy?"

"We're here for a meeting with Pierce," Flynn explained, the smirk appearing on his lips again. "You wouldn't want to get in the way of that, would you?"

"It is launch day after all, he has a tight schedule," Hayley added.

The man grinned at them both, shaking his head. With one look to the left, Hayley could see more security guards closing in. Flynn saw them from his side as well. They were surrounded. But that's exactly where they wanted to be.

The detainment rooms were deep in the middle of the Triskellion, away from the offices and down winding corridors. They were about to be escorted further into the building, and once Pierce began the meeting with the Security Council on the top floor, Hayley and Flynn could begin their fight from the inside out.

 _"You're just about to miss Pierce himself,"_ Charlie announced. _"We timed that well,"_

Hayley and Flynn were being escorted by the security team now. Two in front, two behind, ready any sign of escape. But Hayley wasn't thinking of that just yet, instead she was looking over to where the woman in the blue suit walking into the building with a group of men. The Security Council had arrived, and it wouldn't be long now.

* * *

It was almost ten minutes later when Charlie's voice crept back into their ear. The guards were still escorting them through corridors and security clearance panels, making sure they would be held for questioning when Pierce was ready. But they were never going to get that far.

 _"Helicarriers clearing for launch,"_ Charlie advised. _"Still trying to get feed of the Council meeting up top, but I'd say the time to start throwing punches would be now,"_

Flynn looked over to Hayley, noticing her do the same out the corner of her eye. They had been ready to fight since the moment they stepped into the building, and they had no problem beginning right now. Before they had split up, Natasha had given a few weapons to them to help along the way as they would be the only two on the ground working their way up. It was their job to slow down Pierce's recruits, to stop any attempt of escape by the Hydra agents that walked these halls, to do whatever they could to ensure their plan ran smoothly.

As they were turned down another corridor, nearing the detainment rooms, Flynn lunged forward and took down the two guards that were leading. Hayley spun around at the same time and attached two discs to the necks of the other two guards behind. As soon as Hayley's hand left their skin, an electric current hit the two guards and had them spasming on the ground moments later.

Hayley turned back to Flynn the moment he knocked out the remaining guard. They both nod to one another before taking what they could from the unconscious men, grabbing their guns and attaching them to their hip. They took a baton as well, giving them two each to swing around at whatever was about to come next.

 _"Looks like you two have done this before,"_ Charlie commented, the smirk evident in his voice. _"Get moving, you've got three security doors to pass,"_

"Security doors you're going to disable, yes?" Flynn checked.

 _"Once you get there,"_ Charlie assured.

"Let's go then, they won't be out long," Hayley sighed. "There's plenty of eyes on those cameras, more agents will be on their way,"

They began marching down the corridor quickly, a gun in their hand ready for anyone who could appear from around the corners. It was easier with Charlie monitoring their path and advising them, but he was also trying to hack into the Council meeting and keep an eye on the Insight launch, which meant they couldn't rely too heavily on him. They had to follow their instinct more than anything.

 _"Alright, first security door is cleared for the next ten seconds,"_ Charlie urged.

Flynn sped up his pace behind Hayley as they made their way through the security scanner, each checking the corridors connected to their path. They were yet to see anyone yet, but as they could both hear hurried running in out in the halls, they knew they weren't far from meeting a few unhappy Hydra agents.

But before they could make it to the end of the their secluded corridor maze, they were stopped by a voice over the PA system.

 _"Attention all SHIELD agents,"_ Steve's words began, stopping both Flynn and Hayley in their tracks. " _T_ _his is Steve Rogers. You've heard a lot about me over the last few days, some of you were even ordered to hunt me down. But I think it's time you know the truth,"_

Hayley looked to Flynn with a nod, both of them knowing that once Steve said his speech to everyone in the Triskellion, things were going to become more chaotic. than they were. At the moment, there were SHIELD employees who had no idea what was going on or why Steve was being hunted by their organisation in the first place, and that was all about to change.

While Steve continued speaking over the system, Hayley and Flynn began their journey once again. Charlie cleared the next two security scanners as they passed through, and before they knew it, they were in the main hall. They were on the fourth level of the building, and they needed to start making their way up fast.

"Take east," Hayley advised. "I'll take west,"

Flynn nodded and began running off to the east corridor as Hayley went the other way, his gun still in his hand as he hurried past the confused onlookers. Everyone attention was taken by Captain America's voice calling to them, exposing Hydra's presence in the organisation. As he ran down the corridor, he saw two Hydra agents begin to charge toward him, and he lifted his gun to fire two shots to their legs.

As they toppled forward, Flynn kicked them to their side and knocked them unconscious before stripping them of their security communicators. The last thing he needed was two agents on this floor alerting more to be ready on the next. However, cameras were being watched, and someone was always going to be waiting for them.

No one knew how far Hydra outweighed SHIELD agents in this building, but Flynn wasn't willing to take a bet on it. But with Steve's speech, the opposing sides were going to be made much more obvious.

 _"And if I'm the only one, then so be it. But I'm willing to bet that I'm not,"_ Steve's voice finished.

And with that, war began.

"Charlie, you got eyes on that control room?" Flynn asked.

 _"A bunch of wide eyes and mouths there,"_ Charlie explained. _"Same goes for the Council,"_

"You've got eyes on the room?" Hayley asked, her voice coming out in pants as she too met her first wave of Hydra henchmen.

 _"Got a member being held up by Hydra at gunpoint. I'd say they've all heard Cap's speech too,"_

"We have to make sure there's no Hydra agents in the control room, they can start the launch early," Flynn explained.

 _"Rumlow and the STRIKE unit are ahead of you. They've just arrived and...shit, they're launching. You've got some SHIELD in there, agents refusing but...shit, they need help,"_

Flynn hurried his pace, knowing the control room was only a few floors up on his side of the building. Anyone coming his way in the meantime would regret it.

 _"They're initiating launch,"_ Hill's voice came through, announcing what they all hoped they would have more time for.

* * *

Hayley couldn't help watching out the window as she ran down the long corridors, her noise bloody and her body aching and bruised from her run-ins with Hydra on her way to higher floors. Steve and Sam had managed to disarm two of the helicarriers, but there was still one operational in the sky. One that Hayley could see flames and explosions coming from. The helicarrier Steve was on. The same helicarrier The Winter Soldier was on.

Knocked from her thoughts, Hayley fell back against the glass wall behind her. As she tried to pull herself up, a loud ringing pounded through her ears. Her sight was messy, fuzzy, and she could barely make out the Hydra agent standing in front of her.

"O'Connor," the man grinned.

Hayley took a few moments to blink and clear her vision, and once she did, she almost fell back down.

"Brennan?" she whispered, unable to believe her eyes. "W-what are you...doing?"

As her head swayed and the ringing continued, she could see Brennan staring back at her with the same grin on his lips. He didn't look worried. He didn't look panicked. He looked excited.

"How'd that last mission go?" he asked. "You were always one of my favourite soldiers,"

"No..." she shook her head, confused. "You're...Hydra?"

"I'm on the side you should be on," he argued, his grin fading. "The side you _should_ have stayed on,"

"Stayed? I was never on Hydra's side you piece of shit," Hayley snapped, coming back to herself. "You...you _trained_ us to fight against these people, to fight for good, not...not this!"

"Well Private, for a year, you _were_ on Hydra's side," he assured. "They should never have brought you back,"

"Brought me back?"

"What, you think you just wound up back home, like whoever you were with for the past year just _let_ you go?" he asked. "Jesus O'Connor, I thought you were smart,"

With her mind running wild, Hayley could barely form a thought or a sentence clear enough to speak. Brennan was her Defense Team Commander, he had trained her and her brother, he had been with her for so long, and he was one of them. And he was involved in her disappearance.

"Why then?" she asked, her hands balling into fists.

Brennan chuckled.

"If you wanted to know, you'd stand down,"

"Not a chance in Hell," Hayley snarled.

Brennan launched at Hayley then, knocking her back to the ground, but she swung herself around to shove her knee into his abdomen. With a fist to the face, Hayley was rolled onto her back and before Brennan could reach up to grab his gun or claw his hand around her neck, Hayley's gun pressed into his forehead as she pushed him off her.

They were both panting as they stared at one another, waiting for a response.

"You can't," he shook his head, still cautious. "After everything you did, all the lives, you can't pull the trigger can you?"

Hayley's hand shook with frustration, trembling with inner conflict. He was right, she couldn't kill him, but she could injure him. Many times.

"You knew about the mission," she seethed. "You knew where they were sending me. You knew where I was the whole time, you _knew_!"

"I did," Brennan nodded. "I followed my orders, just like you did. Hell Hydra."

Finally, Hayley pulled the trigger. Brennan cried out when his shoulder was struck with a bullet, and once again when another struck his knee. With the baton she had strapped to her hip, Hayley made sure his legs were incapable of walking for a few days.

"Aghhhh!" Brennan groaned, holding onto his bleeding shoulder. "You're on the wrong side O'Connor! Make the choice!"

"I made my choice long ago," she breathed, spitting out blood onto the floor next to him. "Get a good look at what's left of Hydra, because when you wake up it'll all be gone,"

With one final blow, Brennan was unconscious. Hayley was sure he would survive his injuries, he wasn't going to bleed out and it was hardly a big concern of hers if he did anyway. There was so much anger coursing through her body, she was glad he was no longer speaking, because if he said one more word she wasn't sure she could hold herself back.

Wiping the blood from her face and picking up her gun, Hayley turned to continue in her direction up through the building.

 _"O'Connor, you alright?"_ Charlie asked.

"I'm good," she breathed, panting. "Keep your eyes on the carrier,"

 _"Falcon?"_ Hill's voice came into Hayley's ear.

 _"Yeah?_ " Sam replied.

 _"Rumlow's headed for Council,"_ she advised.

 _"I'm on it,"_ Sam announced.

"I'll take him," Hayley cut in. "Give me his floor,"

There was a short pause before both Charlie and Hill responded.

 _"36th,"_

Hayley hurried her pace, knowing that any moment she would be meeting the agent she had been picturing in her memories for days. Ever since she heard his voice. The man who worked in Steve's unit while knowing exactly where she was and keeping her there. Hayley wanted to face Rumlow more than any other, and this was her chance.

Battered, bruised, bloodied; she would crawl to Rumlow if she had to.

"I'm on it,"

* * *

 **Hey guys! Thanks so much for continuing to read and follow this story, I hope you're enjoying!**

 **Just a heads up - after a few moments in the next chapter, this story (just like my previous story) will be taking on an original storyline. It will still include all of the fallout of The Winter Soldier, but will focus solely on Steve and Hayley.**

 **Please leave a review with thoughts or comments, I would _love_ to read what you guys have to say.**

 **xx**


	16. Chapter 16

**XVI: Never Be The Same**

 _"Alright, he's approaching the stairwell,"_ Charlie informed, keeping his eye on Rumlow hurrying his way up floor by floor. _"Sam or Falcon, whatever, he's on his way up too,"_

Hayley was waiting on the other side of the door, her chest heaving as she caught her breath and steadied her head. It was pounding with pain from her run-in with Brennan, and not just physically. It was making her sick to realize how many people she trusted that were on Hydra's side, stabbing the backs of people who believed in them and stood by them.

As she readied herself for Rumlow's appearance, she looked to the sky one more time. It was like a war zone on the helicarrier, smoke rising from it's deck, and she knew that Steve was still up there. There was no chance of him walking away without getting through to Bucky, and she knew Steve wouldn't stop until he did.

 _"Five seconds O'Connor,"_ Charlie advised.

Then her mind was pulled back to the mission at hand, the fight she was about to endure, and she glared toward the door in preparation of the face she would be met with. But it seemed Rumlow had his own advisor as well, watching the cameras and alerting him of her presence, and he launched at her the moment the door opened.

Hayley was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud, but she whipped her legs around Rumlow's waist and flipped them until she had the upper hand. Twisting his arm, she pushed him onto his stomach and untangled herself from his hold, hearing a gasp of pain from the Hydra agent's lips.

"Still got the moves, huh?" Rumlow teased with a bitter laugh. "Ever wonder why you're better at this than you thought?"

"Because it's my job," Hayley snarled, pushing his arm up further.

Rumlow chuckled again and bit down on his lip as he pushed all of his weight backwards, rolling Hayley onto her back instead and pinning her beneath him. As Hayley looked up and stared into his cruel eyes, her heart began beating faster and faster, her breath coming out in panicked pants.

 _"Again!" Rumlow shouted, circling Hayley as she stood in the middle of the room._

 _She could feel every muscle in her body aching, begging her to stop, begging for rest. But there was no time for rest, and rest was not part of their plan. So instead she made the same movement she had been making for what felt like hours. The other man in the room swayed where he stood, readying himself for the next wave of pain. Hayley took a deep breath, raised her fists, and did what she was told._

 _"Again!" Rumlow ordered, over and over._

Rumlow saw Hayley's moment of memories rushing back to her, confronting her with the truth, showing her who she was. Memories Hayley's didn't want to think about, one that would haunt her now along with every other horror she had faced.

"You remember me, don't you?" Rumlow prodded.

Hayley's body was trembling with anger, her eyes growing with frustrated tears, and she struggled against his hold on her. A groan escaped her lips as Rumlow's grip on her wrists became tighter, bruises forming on her skin.

"Coward," she spat, her voice full of fury and disgust. "You're all cowards. Hydra can't do their own dirty work?"

"Call it recruitment," Rumlow snarled back.

Hayley twisted in Rumlow's grip, preparing to break her own wrist in order to break his in return, but he gave way a moment later with a small hiss of pain. With one hand now free, Hayley had a split second to make her move, otherwise she would walk away from this fight. So she reached her hand up to wrap around Rumlow's throat, gripping with all of the rage inside of her, and watching as both his hands wound around her arm to fight back.

But he was losing oxygen fast, and Hayley couldn't stop herself from pushing further. Rumlow was kneeling in front of her now, scrambling to pull her off him, before Hayley grunted and pushed him back until he hit the hard ground. A loud gasp echoed throughout the empty hall, a cough following, and a laugh once he had caught his breath.

"There's your weakness," he coughed between his laughter, shaking his head.

"I'm not a murderer," she gritted out.

"You know that's not true," he argued.

Hayley stared back at the man, not willing to argue with him any longer. He knew he was getting under her skin, and if he pushed her far enough, Hayley wasn't sure if she would be so kind and let him catch his breath again. Every part of her hated this man, and ultimately she want him to suffer, to feel the pain he made her inflict. But that wasn't the person she wanted to be. That was who Hydra wanted her to be, and she would sooner die than play into their schemes once again.

"This is gonna hurt," Rumlow warned.

"I hope so," Hayley countered.

A moment later, Hayley was countering the punch Rumlow threw at her, lifting her leg to strike him in return. The Hydra agent managed to push Hayley further down the corridor with his attempts to take her down, and it wasn't long before they were once again knocking one another to the ground.

Hayley could feel blood running down from her nose once again after Rumlow landed a punch against her face, but she persisted through any pain she felt, steadying herself as she rose from the floor quickly and threw all of her body weight against the agent, knocking him to the ground and twisting his limbs to dislocate and break.

"You still can't do it!" Rumlow provoked, his voice coming out through gritted teeth and pain.

Hayley put more pressure on his arm, bent almost completely back behind his back, making him wince in pain and lower to the ground. Maybe she couldn't bring herself to take this man's life, but she could certainly inflict some pain while she had the advantage. She knew Rumlow wouldn't be so kind if he had the upper hand, but she wasn't going to stoop to the level of murder in order to take some revenge.

As they remained in their battle for power, Hayley knelt down behind Rumlow to keep pressure on his arm, beginning to take one of her hands away to reach for the last remaining electrified disc to use. But once she turned, they both caught a glimpse of the sky ahead of them. The helicarriers were falling from the sky. Explosions lit up the clouds and debris began to rain down, and Hayley noticed something a lot closer than she thought.

A helicarrier was moments away from crashing into the Triskellion. Right against the corner she and Rumlow were stuck in at the moment.

"Hayley!" a voice called.

They both turned their attention to Sam, running up through the stairwell, his chest heaving. Rumlow took this chance to knock Hayley down and release her hold on him. Rolling on top of her, he landed another blow to her head as she tried to get up. Groaning in pain, Hayley used all of her strength to whip her head forward and collide with Rumlow's pushing him off her.

Sam grabbed the agent as he fell back, hitting him forcefully and kicking him down along the corridor floor just as the helicarrier began to break down the sturdy walls behind them.

"You're out of your depth!" Rumlow shouted, beginning to pick himself up.

But it was too late. The walls of the building caved in, creating a sea of debris that knocked down the Hydra agent and forced Sam and Hayley to run for their lives. Neither had a chance to look back and see how far they were from being swallowed by the destruction, all they could do was run.

"Please tell me Fury's here!" Hayley called out.

Sam ran by her side, looking out the large glass windows they ran by.

"Tell me you got that chopper in the air!" Sam shouted, hoping his words could be heard.

 _"Where are you?"_ Natasha responded, her voice panicked. _"Where's O'Connor?"_

"We're on the 41st floor!" Hayley replied breathlessly.

"North-west corner!" Sam added hurriedly.

 _"We're on it! Stay where you are!"_ Natasha instructed.

"Not an option!" Sam yelled in frustration.

Hayley pushed Sam off to the side as a heavy metal beam fell down between them, forcing them to slide along the floor and debris to escape being hit. The floor was crumbling apart just behind them, and they had no other choice but to jump through the glass window just ahead of them. They both knew it was their only option, and as they closed in on it, they prayed that somehow they wouldn't fall to their death.

The glass shattered against their bodies as they hit it with painful force, instantly feeling the air outside and the emptiness beneath their feet. Sam reached out and took Hayley's hand in his own as they fell through the sky, barely able to recognise the chopper that flew in just in time to catch their fall. They hit the floor of the helicopter hard, their momentum throwing them out the other side of the door before Natasha reached after them.

Clawing at Sam's hand, Hayley was pulled back into the chopper with him, her chest heaving for air.

"41st floor! 41st!" Sam cried out.

"It's not like they put the numbers on the outside of the building!" Fury shot back, piloting the craft.

"Where's Steve!" Hayley demanded, looking at Natasha.

"Hill, you got a location on Rogers?" Natasha requested, listening intently through her headset.

As they awaited a reply, Hayley looked out at the other helicarrier that was falling through the sky, sparks and flames spurting out from it's core. That was the helicarrier Steve was on, and she had no doubt that he was still up there. Judging by the look on Natasha's face, she was right.

She didn't care about the pain she felt right now, about the blood that seeped out of her wounds or the ache she felt in her chest, all she could focus on was hearing Steve's voice. He had to hear their communication, he had to let them know where he was and what was going on.

But they all had their answer about Steve moments later, when they saw the man in uniform fall through the sky, heading straight down toward the river.

* * *

Standing outside the hospital room, Hayley's hands trembled as se lifted the cup of water to her lips. It had been hours since Steve was admitted and he had yet to open his eyes, but she had been assured by everyone he was going to be okay. They had taken a bullet out, they'd stitched all his wounds, and his arm was strapped tight in a sling. But Hayley couldn't take her eyes off his face.

He was bruised and swollen all over, a sight she had never witnessed before. He looked like he had been hit by a bus, although with everyone that had gone on over the past few days, it was more like a convoy of buses.

"You heard the doctors," Natasha's voice came from beside her. "He'll be fine,"

Hayley turned to the agent, noticing the comforting smile on her lips. None of her words were laced with judgement or pity, but genuine concern and care. She didn't know Natasha well at all, but she knew she cared about Steve.

"I know," Hayley nodded. "Just...never saw him like this,"

As Natasha looked at the woman, noticing her red eyes and shaking figure, she saw Sam approaching from down the hall. He had a few bandages around his shoulder, just like the rest of them did, and yet it was Captain America lying in the hospital bed. His regenerative cells were going to help him recover at an incredible rate, but it didn't take away all of their worry.

Sam carried two styrofoam boxes in his hands, looking to Hayley as he stepped closer.

"Got you a sandwich," he offered. "Thought you could eat,"

"Thanks," Hayley smiled lightly, accepting the food even though she still felt sick to her stomach.

They all stood in silence for a few moments, watching as the nurse finished checking over Steve and taking notes on his vitals. He was getting stronger, but it would still be a while before they expected him to wake.

In the background of their busy minds, they could hear the television in the nearby waiting room. Every channel was broadcasting coverage on the fall of SHIELD. Every document and government secret that was leaked. Everything.

Natasha's background, her missions, every person she had been sent to assassinate. Every murder any agent was involved in. Including Hayley, and Russia, and everything she had been wanting to know for so long now.

But she couldn't even focus on any of that. No matter how desperate she had been for months to find out exactly what they had made her do, where she was, what she had become, she couldn't think of any of it. It was too much all at once, and right now her mind was only on Steve.

It didn't matter how angry she had been with him, how betrayed she felt when he admit he had known about the footage, because as soon as she laid eyes on Steve's unconscious body being moved into an ambulance, that's all she could focus on. The image of his bloodied, pale white skin was going to haunt her forever.

"Hayley,"

Eyes growing wide at the sound of the familiar voice, Hayley turned to see Blake rushing down the corridor toward her. His arms immediately wound around her, pulling her impossibly close and hugging her tighter than he should have for someone who had just been stitched up and bandaged.

"Oh my god," Blake sighed, pressing a kiss to Hayley's forehead. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," she nodded, clinging to him in return. "Please tell me you weren't here for all of this,"

"No, no I just got in twenty minutes ago and came straight here," he explained. "I wanted to get the first flight out when I heard SHIELD had Steve pinned as a fugitive, but I need to get Laura and Bobby safe before I left,"

They pulled apart after a few moments, noticing that Sam and Natasha had walked away to give them some privacy. Blake turned to look through the glass window of Steve's room, his brows pulling together in concern as he witnessed Captain America himself hooked up to numerous machines and peppered with dark blue bruises and stitches.

"Shit," Blake sighed, hands going to his hips. "Is he alright?"

"They said he'll be fine, his body just needs to rest," Hayley explained. "His cells regenerate faster than ours, but it doesn't make him indestructible,"

Hayley wrapped her arms around herself, feeling her stomach twist in knots. Not only was she worried sick, but she was so exhausted it was making her nauseous. But she didn't want to leave and not be here when Steve woke up.

The styrofoam box was still in her hands, and Hayley knew she should eat, but instead she could feel a stream of tears running down her cheeks. Her chest began to heave as her body trembled, and she was slowly realising that she was starting to have a panic attack.

"Hey," Blake frowned, noticing Hayley turn away to lean against the opposite wall.

He could hear her breathing losing control, gasps escaping her lips, as she dropped the container to the ground and hid her face in her hands. Blake knew she was panicking, and he couldn't blame her right now, so he wrapped his arms around her once again and led her across the hall to an empty room.

"He's gonna be okay," Blake assured. "Shh, shh, hey listen to me. Steve's okay, alright? He's going to wake up, everything's going to be fine,"

"I know, I know," Hayley stuttered out, shaking her head. "I just...I can't t-think,"

"Then don't. Don't think, okay? Just breathe. Do it with me. In, out. In, out." he soothed, guiding her into a calmer state.

Hayley kept her eyes closed as she followed Blake's voice. In. Out.

But all she could see was Pierce looking back at her. Brennan attacking her. Rumlow taunting her. Hydra everywhere. And the whole world knew now more than she did about where she had been and what she had become. Rumlow said she was a murderer, and Hayley knew he was right. She saw the footage, and she knew there was going to be more out there now.

Records of everyone she had murdered. She wasn't a soldier or an agent, she was a murderer, and that was just beginning to sink in.

"It's never going to be the same again," she cried softly, shaking her head.

"It won't always be like this," Blake comforted.

"But it will," Hayley nodded, trying to wipe her tears. "Forever."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading guys! Please do leave a review with thoughts/comments, I'd love to hear from you all because I do appreciate every single one of you. For those interested, I have added a Tumblr page dedicated to this fic where you can send questions, ideas, anything really. I'll be posting chapter updates there as well as any edits I can get done as well.**

 **The Tumblr page is yourmessismine-fic **

**Thank you all again xxx**


	17. Chapter 17

**XVII** \- **Can We Just Wait?**

* * *

Hayley could feel her eyes stinging, begging to close and rest, as she continued on to another profile among the SHIELD and Hydra leaks. Everything was accessible now, even if the government had attempted to seal as much of the information as possible. Once it was out there, it was never coming back. Every secret SHIELD had, every assignment Hydra ran within their walls, nothing was hidden anymore.

Hydra had their missions hidden inside SHIELD confidential files, and now that they were all open to the world, everyone could see just how deeply the organisation had been infiltrated. And Hayley could finally see what her life had become in that year and three months she had been missing, and more horrifically, the lives she had taken during that time.

A noise at the door made Hayley turn quickly, wondering if it was time to assess Steve's vitals once again. But instead of seeing a nurse, Hayley was met with Blake's disappointed frown.

"I told you to give that a rest," he chided. "You don't have to read all of that now,"

"Wouldn't you want to know?" she asked.

"I'd want to get some sleep first, and maybe a change of clothes?"

Hayley sighed and looked back down at the tablet in her hands, the light from the screen giving her headache added fuel.

"They said he could wake up anytime," she told Blake softly. "I'm not leaving,"

"You don't have to," he countered.

Blake dropped a bag by Hayley's feet, unzipped and open for Hayley to see the fresh set of clothes inside. She didn't even realize he had been gone long enough to head to Steve's apartment and get her clothes, and she couldn't imagine the chaos he had been through to get there. Technically it was still a crime scene, Fury's blood was still on the floor and bullet holes littered the walls, and Hayley dreaded going back.

It was the last place she and Steve had been before everything happened. Before any of this was even a thought.

"Will you stay with him?" she asked, looking over to the small ensuite attached to the hospital room.

"Of course," Blake assured.

"I won't be long," she yawned, standing up and setting down the tablet on her chair.

"Take your time,"

With one last glance over at Steve, Hayley made her way into the small ensuite, closing the door and leaning back against it. She had never felt so physically exhausted in her life, but she couldn't let herself sleep. Every time she felt her eyes drifting, her mind would wander to the names she had read about in her Hydra files. She was a murderer.

Hydra had kept a record of all of Hayley's 'clients' during her time with them, just like every other victim of Hydra's mind control. There had been several other SHIELD employees that had become Hydra's assassins as well, but that didn't give Hayley any comfort at all.

Carefully, Hayley pulled her shirt up over her shoulders, careful of the bruises and stitches that covered her chest and arms. There was still a constant headache raging in her head from the blows she had taken the day before, worsened by the fact she had been staring at a brightly lit screen for hours.

Staring back at her reflection, Hayley couldn't help see someone unfamiliar. She imagined someone looking back at her, knowing it would be the last thing they saw, the last face they knew. The face of one of Hydra's minions.

* * *

Water was all Steve could feel. All around him, suffocating him, drowning him. All over again.

He could feel water filling his lungs, spilling out of his mouth, coursing through his whole body.

And then he was awake.

A blurry white ceiling was the first thing he saw. He could hear machines beeping around him, the weight of blankets over his body, and the constant ache throughout his torso. With every pain that he felt, a memory returned. Blow to the head. Broken bone. Gunshot.

As he blinked a few times and cleared his vision, Steve moved his head slightly to look down at the bed he was in, his heart racing at the sight of Hayley laying her head down beside him. She was sitting in a chair just next to the bed with her arms folded against his legs, her eyes closed peacefully as she stretched out to rest by his side. There she was in front of him. Safe. Alive.

He could see the swollen bruises over her face and feared what other injuries were hidden under her clothes, but she was alive, and she was here with him.

Letting out a deep breath, Steve winced at the ache in his abdomen, causing Hayley's eyes to shoot open in panic.

"Steve?" she asked, her voice sleepy and hoarse. "Oh my god,"

"Hey," he managed to get out, a small smile pulling at his lips.

Hayley was out of the chair in an instant, her hands going to either side of Steve's face as she fought back tears. Hearing his voice made her heart swell, unable to hold back just how relieved she was that he was awake.

Steve lifted one hand to place over her own, holding her palm against his skin. He could feel her shaking, all of her anxiety pouring out, and he wished he had the energy to sit up and take her into his arms completely.

"Please, please, _please_ don't do that again," she begged, her voice soft.

"I'll try not to," Steve grinned back, pulling her palm over his lips to press a kiss against her skin.

Hayley was careful of his bruises and swollen eye as she smoothed her other hand over his skin, brushing his hair back as she stared into his eyes like it was the first time all over again. It didn't matter if the nurses and doctors all assured her Steve would wake up fine in his own time, it wasn't until this moment right now that she felt relief.

Leaning in closer to Steve, Hayley watched for any signs of pain before she pressed the softest of kisses to his lips. But a moment later, she felt Steve's hand move up behind her, pulling her impossibly close and kissing her with every ounce of strength he had. It felt like it lasted hours, and in that time nothing else made sense to them. It was a feeling they wished the could hold onto forever.

Hayley pulled back gently, staring into Steve's eyes and wondering how he was still lying here peacefully when in so much pain. He just looked back at her in return, a small smile on his lips as he softly cupped her cheek and ran his thumb along her skin. It was something he always did, especially when they were laying in bed of a morning half-awake, and Hayley felt like melting into his touch completely.

"What happened...Hydra...SHIELD?" Steve asked, still exhausted and weak.

"It's all gone, just like you said," Hayley assured. "Hydra's gone, but...now the world knows everything about them, and about SHIELD. Every little thing, it's all out there,"

Steve continued to run his thumb along Hayley's cheek, watching as she sighed into his touch and pulled her own hand up to rest above his, holding it there.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

"Just a few stitches, bit of a lump on the head, nothing that put me in a hospital bed," she told him honestly.

"That's not what I meant," he told her softly.

Hayley looked back at him with a soft sigh, closing her eyes as she shook her head. There was nothing she could say to explain any of the feelings she felt, and the last thing she wanted to do right now was get into all of this with Steve moments after he woke up.

There was so much they had to talk about, to work through, and she didn't want to deal with any of it. Not now.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, changing their focus.

Steve winced as he tried to move, letting out a long groan of discomfort.

"I'm fine," he told her. "Sore,"

"Sometimes I forget you're...you know," Hayley began, letting out a soft chuckle. " _Super_ ,"

Steve smiled back at her, shaking his head.

"I'm not super,"

"You're a super-soldier, so you're _super_ ," Hayley insisted. "I guess I just see you more as Steve than Captain America,"

"I like you seeing me as just Steve," he admit, reaching to hold her hand in his. "But I hate that you have to see me like this,"

"I'd rather see you like this than the other option," she sighed, running her fingers across his bruised knuckles.

They sat in silence for a while longer, holding onto one another and pretending they could stay like this for as long as they would like. But reality was just outside the hospital doors, and even inside. Coverage of the Triskellion destruction played on every channel and covered every paper in sight, it was all the world wanted to talk about.

And for good reason.

The history this country knew, the history every single one of them believed, was a lie. And this wasn't something that was going to be fixed in a couple of days, and it wasn't something Steve and Hayley would be able to talk out and move on from quickly. This changed everything.

"Bucky?" Steve asked, knowing the answer already.

Hayley frowned sadly, shaking her head.

"No sign of him,"

"He pulled me out of the river," Steve told her. "I know he did,"

"I believe you," she assured. "You were...there was no way you could have swam to shore,"

Steve tried to think of every detail he could remember, but right now his mind was a foggy, hazy mess. Everything felt like a dream and he wasn't sure what had happened and what hadn't.

"We've got plenty of time to talk about it, okay? We're not doing this now, you need to rest. I'm gonna get a nurse," Hayley explained, pressing a kiss to Steve's forehead.

"I don't need a nurse," he protested, grabbing onto her hand. "I don't want anyone else here, not yet,"

"Steve, you've been out for almost two days," she explained. "They need to know you're awake,"

"I'll still be awake in ten minutes, can we just wait?" he asked.

Hayley smoothed her fingers over Steve's hand, giving in to his words. She couldn't argue against wanting more time for just the two of them, even if they were going to ignore everything they needed to talk about. Right now was just about being with one another, without having to fill the silence, without having to do anything at all.

* * *

It was twenty minutes later before a nurse came into Steve's room, checking his vitals and recovery before paging the doctor to come by as well. Steve hated when people fussed over him, especially when he was as weak and helpless as he was in that hospital bed, and Hayley could tell he was almost embarrassed by the fact he had to be tended to. It didn't matter how many times she reminded him that any normal person would be in critical condition right now, if alive at all.

Listening to the doctor explain Steve's injuries to him made Hayley's stomach twist in knots. She knew that right now he was fine, he was right beside her living and breathing, but as the list continued she couldn't help imagining if he didn't wake up.

"It'll be a few days before we can safely discharge you," the doctor explained.

"That's not necessary," Steve shook his head, trying to sit up, ignoring the piercing ache he felt throughout his body. "Someone else needs this bed more than me,"

"You still have internal bruising and two fractured ribs," the doctor continued cautiously. "Not to mention you _were_ shot Captain, we're not sure how the internal bleeding stopped without surgery,"

"All due respect doctor, I know my body," Steve argued calmly. "I'm discharging myself today,"

"Steve," Hayley warned.

But it was no use. Steve Rogers wasn't going to lie in this hospital bed for another day when he knew he was capable of walking himself out, even if it pained him more than he would have ever admit.

All that was on Steve's mind now was getting out of here.

Hayley had told Steve the only way she would be helping him out of here was if he at least ate something for lunch and took the medication the doctors were prescribing, even if they had little to no effect on his body. Steve wouldn't argue with her any further on the matter, especially since he knew if their situations were reversed there was no way he would let her leave the bed let alone the hospital.

"I thought you weren't hungry," Hayley grinned as she watched Steve finished off his sandwich.

"Didn't think I was. It's not bad,"

"Sandwiches are always the safest bet when it comes to hospital food," she chuckled. "I'll go get you a few more,"

"You don't-"

"Don't have to, but I want to," Hayley sighed with a smile, leaning in to press a quick, soft kiss to his lips.

Sam was still sitting outside of Steve's room when Hayley walked out, his eyes growing wide at the sight of her approaching. He had been in for a moment earlier to see Steve once he was awake, and although Hayley had assured him they would be fine, he insisted on staying until Steve was discharged in order to help them back home.

Except they couldn't go home. Steve's apartment was total chaos, and although Blake had moved all of his valuables into storage, what they both wanted more than anything right now was to lay in their own bed and sleep away all of the exhaustion they still felt.

"Sam, you're about to fall asleep in that chair," Hayley shook her head.

"Thinkin' I might get one of these for my place, it's comfier than it looks," he smiled, stretching out his arms. "How is he?"

"Stubborn," Hayley sighed. "At least he's eating,"

"You need me to go get anything?" he asked.

"No, no, you've done way more than you should've already," she assured. "Honestly Sam, thank you for everything. I know I've been a bit of a zombie this whole time, but it really means a lot that you're here,"

"Hey, it's no problem," Sam shook his head. "Cap would've done the same for me,"

"Go in, I know he wants to see you, he's more awake now," she encouraged.

Sam smiled in appreciation, pulling himself up out of the chair to head into Steve's room. Hayley watched him go in, feeling a little more at ease that someone was with him now. She had to keep telling herself that Steve was okay, that he wasn't going anywhere, and hoped that she could flush out the image in her heard of him laying as white as a sheet on the shore of the river.

But she knew that image would never leave her, just like so many other things.

* * *

 **Hey guys, thanks for reading! Please leave a review of any thoughts xx**


	18. Chapter 18

**XVIII - I Know I Don't Deserve It**

* * *

Steve had the bottom of his shirt lifted slightly as he stared at his figure in the mirror, running his hand along the deep purple bruises and stitches over his skin. He knew that by morning it would look lighter and less swollen, but right now he could feel every single ache that ran through the wound. It had been a long time since he experienced a bullet wound, and he hoped it would be a long time before he felt it again.

When he heard the main door open, he pulled his shirt back down and stepped out, expecting to see Hayley. But instead he was met with Blake carrying two duffle bags, throwing one onto the bed and resting the other down in the corner.

"That's first aid," he pointed to the bag on the bed, then to the other. "And that's...protection, just in case. You shouldn't need it, but with Hydra agents exposed and running for cover, it's best to be safe,"

Steve nodded in agreement, wincing as he made his way over to sit on the edge of the bed. As comfortable as it was here, Steve was glad it was just for a few nights. Living out of a hotel room was not ideal, but at the moment it was their best option. Everyone was looking for Steve, desperate to hear a statement or for him to appear at a press conference to address everything that happened, but it wasn't going to happen.

Taking down Hydra was over, and now his attention remained on two things only - Hayley and Bucky.

"There's some painkillers in the bag," Blake told him, watching him struggle to sit comfortably. "If those work,"

Steve shook his head.

"They don't," he sighed. "A shower and a good night sleep should do the trick,"

"Well I'm going to be meeting some SHIELD contacts later, figuring out the next step, but I'll be staying just down the hall. If you need me, my number's in both phones in the bag," Blake explained.

"Thank you," Steve looked over to him. "Really, I appreciate all of this,"

"Don't worry about it, just focus on getting better, okay? Same goes for Hayley, wherever she is," he sighed, looking around the room.

"She's getting some groceries," Steve explained. "I think she needed a walk,"

"She needs some sleep," Blake shook his head.

"Try telling her that," Steve sighed. "God knows I have,"

Blake frowned slightly.

"Is...everything okay? Between you two, I mean," he asked. "Not to pry. I know a lot's happened,"

Steve looked up at him and shook his head slightly, not even knowing where to start in explaining how things were. He had only been awake since this morning, and he already knew that Hayley was just putting on a happy face until Steve got better, and he hated that. They both knew what they needed to talk about, and yet every time he tried to bring it up, Hayley told him it wasn't the right time.

But there would never be a right time. Things weren't going to settle down, not for a while yet, and he couldn't stand this feeling between the two of them.

Hayley was still browsing the aisle of a grocery store almost an hour later. Steve had been right about her needing a walk, some time to herself, some fresh air. It had been days since she walked out in the real world, witnessing the impact that SHIELD's downfall had on everyone.

As she stood in line at the checkout, she reached out to pick up the newspaper, her eyes locked on a section of the front page.

 _Where is Captain America?_

The world wanted answers, and although high level SHIELD employees were taking the reigns on providing explanations to the media, they wanted them from Captain America himself. The man who lead the whole operation while the world watched on. They wanted to know why Hydra managed to crawl back into power, how they survived their own downfall back in 1945, why they even existed at all.

As if Steve had answers for all of those questions. As if he was responsible for everything that happened. As if he owed them.

"Hey, this ain't a library," the man behind her snapped. "Move along or put it down,"

Hayley gave the man a glare from beneath her baseball cap, tossing the paper back onto the stand.

"It's all bullshit anyway," she mumbled, facing back toward the slow moving queue.

"What? Don't believe it? Look outside," the man argued. "That's gonna take months to clean up, and who's gonna pay for it? We are. These superheroes need to keep their problems out of our goddamn streets, didn't they do enough in New York?"

Hayley bit down on her lip angrily, resisting the urge to turn around and continue the argument. But this wasn't the only person in this city, or in this world, that viewed The Avengers as their biggest enemy. Even when an evil organisation from decades ago rear their head, somehow it becomes the fault of the only people willing to fight against them.

If only the man behind her knew about her involvement, knew she was once part of the enemy and what she had done, maybe he would see why she was less than interested in this city having to pay for cleanup efforts. SHIELD always provided financial compensation, even teams to help with the cleanup, but all anyone could see right now was betrayal.

Once she was back out on the street, two bags of groceries in tow, Hayley could see everyone's anger everywhere. News stands were full of numerous papers with Steve on the cover, headlines of SHIELD's evil core, the fallout of a one-day war in Washington. Articles about insider information, assignment briefs, everyone the public weren't meant to know. Backgrounds on agents, details about their training and missions.

Hayley had never felt so exposed, not only for herself and her time in Russia, but all her years with SHIELD. Everything she had worked for, everything Steve had worked for whole life, all scattered over newspapers for everyone to pry into.

* * *

When Hayley made it back to the hotel room, she could hear the shower running in the bathroom. Steve's shirt was tossed over the bed, a small indent in the pillow indicating he had taken a nap, or tried to. With a small sigh, Hayley sat the bags down on the small table in the corner and rubbed her temples. The fresh air had been good for her, but the people had caused a headache she was sure would last until morning.

This whole thing had been a nightmare she couldn't escape from, and all she wanted was a moment of peace and quiet. But now it was just Steve and her, for the first time in what felt like forever.

Slipping off her jacket and baseball cap, Hayley bent herself backwards and twisted side-to-side trying to stretch herself out, feeling every ache and pain in her body. She really needed a good sleep, and some food, and a hot shower. Listening to the water continue to run in the bathroom, Hayley reached down and pulled her shirt over her head, tossing it to the ground. Undoing her jeans, she quickly slid those off too and kicked them over to join her shirt.

Hayley knew that Steve would be startled by her just stepping in with him, and so she knocked on the bathroom door a few times before pushing it open and wandering inside. Steve poked his head out of the foggy glass shower door, looking worried and alert. But that expression quickly changed to flushed and surprised upon seeing Hayley standing there in next to nothing.

"E-everything okay?" he asked, clearing his throat a moment later.

And with just the one look from Steve, Hayley could feel herself letting go of the shields she had been putting up for days. Love didn't stop just because of anger. Finding out Steve knew about that footage felt like a knife to her gut, but that didn't mean stopped loving him. She had pushed him way before in the past, and she wasn't going to let herself do that again.

Steve started to worry as he noticed Hayley's red eyes beginning to well, her lips trembling.

"Room for one more in there?" she asked.

Steve could feel his heart racing, wondering why he felt so nervous, as he nodded toward her.

"Yeah," he answered softly. "Plenty,"

Hayley watched him leave the shower door open and step back into the water, giving her room, as she slipped off the remainder of her clothes. She carefully stepped into the shower, mindful of the wet, soapy tiles and looked over at Steve. He had water running over his back as he faced her, his eyes running over body and surveying the amount of bruises she had growing over her skin. The stitches were scattered over her legs and arms, but it was nothing compared to Steve's bare body.

His entire torso was purple, the waterproof dressing still covering his bullet wound with a slight patch of blood visible through the layers. Hayley reached out to put her hand against his stomach, feeling how swollen his skin was, and she looked up at him sadly.

Steve cupped her face in his hands, his hands almost shaking at how intimate this moment was.

"Don't shut me out," he pleaded softly, almost a whisper. "I know I don't deserve it, I know that...but _talk_ to me,"

Hayley squeezed her eyes shut, leaning in to rest her head against his chest. Steve's arms went around her back, pulling her to him, his heart aching as he listened to her begin to cry. He could feel her body heaving for breath as she sobbed, unable to stop herself, as she completely let herself go.

"It's okay," Steve soothed, pressing a kiss to her head. "We can get through this, _you_ can get through this, I know you can,"

They stayed there in silence for almost ten minutes, Steve gently running his hands through her hair as she began to calm down. He didn't care if they stayed here all night, or if the water ran cold or ran out altogether. He wasn't moving.

"Do you know how many?" she asked him, looking up.

Steve looked back at her, confused.

"How many what?"

"How many people I killed. Do you know?"

Steve's heart sunk, shaking his head.

"There was twelve," she told him, voice shaking. "Twelve. They had names. They had families. And they're...I did that,"

"No, _you_ didn't," Steve argued. "This is Hydra-"

"It was my finger on the trigger, their blood was on my hands," she explained. "It doesn't matter that Hydra had control, it doesn't matter that I can't remember, it's _me_ that those families are going to see."

"You can't torture yourself like this," he told her, trying to calm her breathing by running his hands up and down her arms. "You were doing what _Hydra_ made you do, you were who they made you. You're not a killer Hayley, you're _not._ You're so far from being that person."

"I can't stop thinking about them," she admit.

"We're going to get through this," he promised. "We are. It might not be tomorrow or the next day or the next month, but we're going to. I'm not going anywhere, if you'll have me,"

Hayley looked up at him, shaking her head as if there was any way she wouldn't have him by her side.

"Steve-"

"I will _never_ forgive myself for keeping that from you, and I don't expect you too either," he shook his head. "I just...god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,"

"I know," she nodded, reaching up to run her hand over his cheek. "We do stupid things when we're in love,"

"Really, _really_ , stupid things," Steve agreed. "But it's no excuse,"

"You did it to protect me, I know. But it hurt me, because out of everyone on his Earth, it was _you_ who lied to me. And I can take lies from everyone else, I can take them hiding things and keeping me in the dark, but I can't take it from you. And maybe its going to upset me every time we have to talk about it, and it's going to piss me off and I'm going to get mad, but I won't ever _not_ want you by my side,"

Steve let himself smile down toward her, nodding his head. This was something they were going to work through, and he was glad to. Because with everything Hayley was going through, with all the pain she was feeling, that last thing he wanted was to ever be the cause of that again.

Hayley closed her eyes as Steve once again began running his fingers through her hair, letting her head roll back into his grip. She felt like some emotional weight was finally off her shoulders, no matter how little, and she could feel the exhaustion rushing back.

"You need to sleep," he told her softly.

"Mm, I know," she agreed, opening her eyes again. "It's hard. I think I liked it better not knowing. I sure slept a lot easier,"

"You've never slept easy,"

"But I never saw myself as a murderer before, at least...not like this," she told him.

"You're not a murderer," Steve shook his head. "You're not,"

"What else would you call it?"

"Hayley, this person they made you into, it's _not_ you," he shook his head. "You're not Hydra's, not anymore. You're selfless, and you're kind, and you're so much more than-"

"I love you Steve," she sighed, holding his hand against her skin. "But you're not seeing the person I see in myself right now,"

"And you're not seeing the person I see," he protested.

Hayley shook her head and leaned back into his chest, feeling the water run down her arms and onto her back. She knew Steve was right, she knew it was Hydra that had control over her, but it didn't ease any of her worries. It didn't make her feel any less of a killer.

"I'm too tired to talk about this anymore," she told him. "Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," he assured, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Should we get out?"

"No," she shook her head, looking up at him. "Not yet,"

Pushing herself up on her toes, Hayley slowly pressed her lips to Steve's, feeling his arms begin to snake around her waist and hold her up. She had always stood up on her toes to reach his lips, but in the shower it was difficult to not slip, and Steve made sure she stayed right where she was.

As the kiss lingered on, Steve carefully twisted to put Hayley's back against the water, letting her feel the warmth run over his skin as he deepened their kiss. Soon enough, Steve was having to lean down to keep their mouths connected, and as they broke away briefly to catch their breath, he used all the strength he had in him to grab the back o her thighs and hoist her up into his arms.

Letting out a small gasp of surprise, Hayley wound her legs around his waist and felt the shower wall against her back.

"Don't, you'll hurt yourself," she told him, feeling her legs press against his bruises.

"Nothing's hurting me," he promised, voice breathy, his lips beginning to kiss along her jaw and down to her neck.

Hayley closed her eyes as she felt his hands run along her legs and his kisses move back up toward her lips.

"This really goes against the doctor's orders," she smirked.

"Mm, you're the one who calls me stubborn," he replied with a small chuckle.

"We should...at least..." Hayley began, her voice trailing off as Steve manoeuvred them again in the small shower.

"Yeah," he agreed, breaking away from her lips for a moment to open the shower door.

Apart from their panting breaths between kisses, the hotel room was filled with the sound of water dripping all over the floor and doors slamming as Steve carried Hayley out into the bedroom. It was more of an obstacle with the lights being off in the unfamiliar room, but soon Hayley's legs met the edge of the bed and Steve carefully lowered himself on top of Hayley as she laughed at their attempts to find the rest of the bed.

It didn't matter how much pain they would be in tomorrow with their bruises and stitches, this was exactly where they wanted to be, and Steve had never been so relieved that he forgot to give Blake their spare room key.

* * *

 **Hey guys, another update here!**

 **Please leave a review with any thoughts, and thanks for reading xxx**


	19. Chapter 19

Steve could hear the faint tapping against the hotel door as his eyes opened, vision blurry and half-asleep. Hayley's nose was pressed against his chest as he looked down to see her still sound asleep, mouth hanging open and hair covering her whole face. He couldn't help the grin that took over his lips, wishing he could stay there by her side all day. The knocking continued, and Steve groaned quietly at the fact he had to roll away from her. Gently slipping off her bed, Steve reached down to pick up the pants he had discarded the night before and wandered over to the door.

"Hey guys, just me," Blake called out. "You guys there?"

A moment later, Steve pulled the door open to his friend standing on the other side, a small yawn escaping.

"Hey, sorry, bit of a sleep-in," Steve greeted, his voice low, careful not to wake the still sleeping Hayley.

"Oh shit, sorry! I tried calling and I got a little worried," he explained. "Good night's sleep, huh?"

"Yeah," Steve nodded, smiling.

"Romanoff's facing the Committee tomorrow, I've got a briefing," he explained, passing him a small file. "Thought you might want to read what they'll be interrogating,"

Steve looked down at file, the content smile fading from his lips.

"She's going alone?"

Blake nodded, hands on his hips. He looked like he needed more sleep too.

"She thinks because she put it all out there for the world to see, it's her responsibility to deal with the questions," he shrugged.

"There's gonna be a lot of them," Steve sighed.

"Well, if she deals with them the way she deals with her own briefings at SHIELD, it'll be quick," he chuckled lightly. "Hayley still asleep? I got a call from Agent Flynn wanting to see her,"

"Uh, yeah she's still asleep,"

Blake looked into the room, over Steve's shoulder, and saw Hayley's bare back. She was covered from the waist down, but that was all Blake needed to see before he snapped his eyes closed, turning his head away as he continued talking as casually as he could.

"Oh... _oh_ , sorry, uh...I'm gonna...got a few things I need to get to," Blake excused, backing away awkwardly. "I'll stop by later, or I'll call,"

Steve didn't have a chance to say another word, immediately feeling a blush creep onto his cheeks as he realised Blake was aware of how they had spent their evening. He cringed at the thought of facing the man again, feeling more awkward than ever, and stepped back to close the door. He turned around and pressed his back against it, looking down at the file in his hands again.

The world was going to have so many questions and they would be demanding explanations for everything, and the idea of facing each one of them made Steve feel sick to his stomach. How could he explain what happened? Guilt welled inside him at the idea of Natasha facing them on her own, but he had total faith in her.

Steve's attention was taken a moment later by the sound of Hayley rolling over in bed, letting out a soft sigh and opening her eyes. She was barely visible beneath her hair, but he could see the small smile pulling at her lips.

"Morning," she called out, her voice rough.

Steve grinned in return, walking back over.

"Morning," he returned.

"Where'd you go?" she asked, burying her head into the pillow.

"Blake dropped by the Committee notes, Natasha's going in tomorrow," he explained, setting the file down on the table and opening it. "They've all got a lot of questions."

Hayley let out a long sigh, rolling onto her back and rubbing her temples. She could feel that headache creeping back with every mention of HYDRA and the Committee hearing. There was never going to be a lull in all of this. This was their reality now. No more SHIELD, no more missions, no more living the life they were so used to.

"What time is it?" she asked after a moment of watching Steve read over the first pages.

"Nine fifteen," Steve answered after a glance at the clock.

"It's so cold. Can you come back to bed?" she asked, looking over to him. "Ten more minutes, then I'll get up."

Steve chuckled, walking over to pull back the sheets and slide in under them. Hayley rolled closer to him, letting his arms wrap around her and hold her to his warm body. She could already see the purple skin on his stomach fading to a lighter shade, and the cuts over his face were barely visible. If only she had super soldier blood as well.

"You don't have to get up," Steve told her softly. "You could use a day of resting, catching up on some sleep,"

"I just had ten hours," Hayley reminded. "That's enough. How are you feeling?"

"Good as new," Steve grinned.

"Liar,"

"Okay, _better_ ," he corrected. "What about you? Is the headache gone?"

"For now," she nodded. "The second I start to think about everything again, it comes back."

"I know the feeling," Steve sighed.

They laid there in silence for a few moment until Hayley looked up at him, noticing he was staring intently at the ceiling.

"You're worried about him, aren't you?"

Steve bit into his lip, closing his eyes. He couldn't even wrap his head around what had happened to Bucky and what Hydra had done to him, but he knew that his friend was more confused and lost than ever. His mind wasn't his own, and it hadn't been for a very long time. Now he was out there somewhere on his own, hunted by a government who blamed him for everything he had done.

But Bucky had no control over his own mind or actions, and if anyone could understand that right now, it was the woman by Steve's side.

"I should have went back for him," Steve muttered, shaking his head.

It took a moment before Hayley realised he was talking about the war. The moment Bucky fell.

"Steve," Hayley frowned, sitting up. "You _cannot_ blame yourself for what Hydra did,"

"I let them take him,"

"You thought he was dead. He _should_ have been dead," she insisted. "This isn't your fault,"

"I should have made sure Hydra was buried," he shook his head. "Then they wouldn't have taken him, they wouldn't have taken you,"

Hayley's heart sunk at his words.

"Don't do this," she argued. "Everything Hydra's done, it has nothing to do with you-"

"It has everything to do with me," he cut in. "They took the two people I love the most in this world and put them through hell because I didn't do my job when I put that plane into the ice,"

Staring at him, Hayley didn't even know where to start. This was so far from being Steve's fault that she couldn't even put into words how wrong he was. All Steve could feel right now was grief and anger.

"Do you honestly believe that?" she asked softly.

Steve looked down, meeting her gaze.

"I don't know," he shook his head. "I know I'm not Hydra, I know I didn't force their hand, but I played a part."

"We all played a part," she added. "No one else is to blame for all of this, just Hydra, okay?"

With a small nod, Steve looked away from her, unable to look into her sad eyes a moment longer. He knew that Hayley was hurting, that she was thinking of all the lives she had taken, and he couldn't help feeling the burning guilt in his stomach. Although their talk last night had helped them both, he still couldn't rid himself of that.

"He's going to be okay," Hayley assured. "He's a survivor, just like the rest of us."

"I have to find him,"

"We will," she promised.

Steve looked back to her.

"I'm not dragging you back into this,"

"You're not dragging me anywhere," she shook her head. "I want to find him too."

Hayley couldn't remember if their conversation continued after that point, all she knew was that she was tired. Still. No matter how many more hours she slept, no matter how comfortable or content she felt in bed with Steve beside her, she couldn't erase the exhaustion.

* * *

 _It didn't matter where she turned, everywhere was darkness. She couldn't even see her own hand in front of her and it was so quiet she could hear her own heart beating. Faster and faster and faster. Out of control. Something was coming._

 _"It's your mission to terminate him," she heard._

 _Hayley's head snapped around to see Rumlow standing behind her, his face barely visible._

 _"No it isn't," she shook her head._

 _Rumlow stared at her, waiting a moment before calling out._

 _"Hit her again!"_

 _Hayley felt something stab into her neck, piercing through her skin and into her bloodstream. It felt like acid, burning her and making her scream out in pain._

 _"Listen to me," Rumlow ordered, gaining Hayley's full attention. "This is your job,"_

 _Through her teeth, Hayley did her best to refuse, but all she could feel was the rushing liquid in her veins. Everything was going foggy, and she could only just hear Rumlow's voice in her ear._

 _"If you don't kill them, they'll kill you instead," he threatened._

 _"I'm not a killer," she snarled. "Not...not your murderer,"_

 _"Again!" he called._

 _There was a pause, and Hayley was expecting to be hit once again with the same searing pain in her neck. But instead she was met with silence, and Rumlow was no longer standing in front of her._

 _Now she just saw bodies._

 _"My son," a voice called._

 _"Dad?"_

 _"Lucy?"_

 _"My son!"_

 _"Dad!"_

 _"No! No, dad!"_

 _Hayley looked everywhere for the voices, her chest growing tighter with every cry she heard. She spun in the darkness, her hands coming up to shield her face, trying to see anything but the bodies in front of her. Moment passed before she saw him again, Rumlow, standing in the middle of the lifeless pile._

 _"Again!"_

* * *

Steve laid peacefully beside Hayley as she slept against her pillows, her whole body limp and exhausted. He had been reading over the briefing notes for the past hour, imagining how he would answer each question, how he would word every answer to the board. Steve didn't know if there were words in this world that could explain everything that happened, what he had witnessed, what Hydra had done.

How could explain watching his childhood best friend walk toward him with no recognition in his eyes? How could explain Bucky being alive? How could he describe living a year without the love of his life, learning she had become a slave to Hydra's orders and watching her bury herself in guilt and pain? There were no words.

But his thoughts were halted the moment he heard Hayley's breathing begin to speed up. Turning toward her, Steve's brows furrowed in concern as he watched her face twist in pain. He lifted the sheet slightly, wondering if any of her stitches had broken, but there was nothing. He knew immediately it was a nightmare, and he scooted closer to her body in order to wake her gently.

"Hayley?" he whispered, his hand going to her cheek. "Hey, Hayl, wake up,"

But it did nothing. Steve then began to carefully shake her shoulder, hoping that the slight movements would jostle her awake. But she remained in her slumber, suffering through something Steve wished he could take away forever.

"Hayley!" he called out now. "Come on, wake up, it's just a dream-"

Steve was cut off by the sound of Hayley's desperate gasp for air. Her eyes flung open wide, her chest heaving for oxygen, and her body immediately sat up in fright. Hayley clutched at the sheets, her throat dry and the air feeling like razors as she sucked in as much as she could.

"You're okay, you're okay," Steve assured, sitting back and watching her cautiously. "It's okay, you're here, you're with me, it was just a dream-"

"It wasn't..." she breathed, her chest heaving. "It wasn't...a dream..."

Steve frowned at her words, wishing he could do something to make this better. It was hard to tell the difference between reality and dreams after everything that had happened, but for them all, they were mostly memories. Horrific, terrible memories.

Giving her a moment to catch her breath and calm down, Steve sat by her side, still under the sheets. She could feel his warmth nearby, and although it helped to know he was here and she was no longer in that pit of darkness, she couldn't stop reliving it over and over again.

"They...they were someone's kid," she sobbed, leaning forward into her hands. "I...I took away someone's _child_ and a _father_ and-"

"It's okay," Steve whispered, unable to stay away.

His arms reached out for her, pulling her into his embrace. Hayley cried into his chest, still covering her face with her hands, and Steve tried to calm her down. Her whole body shook from her sobs, and Steve's heart broke listening to her repeat the words over and over again.

"I did it," she cried. "I did it,"

"It wasn't you," he assured, shaking his head. "Hayley, it _wasn't_ you,"

Moving her hands, Hayley instead clutched at Steve's shoulders, holding him close. Steve could feel the trembling in her hands, her whole body shaking and doing it's best to calm down. He knew what it was like to wake up from something so real, and there was nothing anyone could say or do to make it better.

"I want to go home," she told him sadly.

"I know," he sighed. "So do I,"

"Where do we even go, Steve?" she asked.

"Anywhere we want," he assured. "I promise, we can go anywhere."

"I just want you," she admit, clutching him tighter. "Don't go, not yet, okay? Just...just not yet,"

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere,"

"I know you have to, and I know I have to," she nodded. "I want to find all of them."

"We will," he promised. "When we're ready,"

Hayley nodded against his shoulder. She wasn't ready yet. She wanted to be. She wanted to go out right now and find everyone involved in Hydra and make them pay, she wanted to keep going until there were none left. But she couldn't. Not yet.


	20. Chapter 20

**XX - I Did Promise**

Hayley reached forward to grab her cup of coffee, bringing it to her lips and gulping down as much as she could. Flynn sat opposite her in the small cafe, looking out the window at all of the city workers rushing around in trucks and vans, cleaning up the mess that Hydra left behind.

"I don't know why they're trying to salvage anything," he shook his head. "They'd be better off throwing a match at whatever's left,"

"Maybe they will," Hayley shrugged. "Once the hearing's over, maybe they won't try and bother. There's no SHIELD left to take back over, and even if there was, the organisation is basically criminal now anyway,"

"SHIELD and Hydra are in the same category now, huh?" Flynn sighed. "You put your life on the line to stop the bad guys, and in the end, the whole world lumps you in with them anyway."

Hayley grunted in agreement, lifting the coffee once again to finish off the last sip. As she slowly lowered the cup down onto the table, the tremble in her hand was as obvious as ever. The cup barely landed flat as it slipped from her grasp, Flynn glancing down at it for a moment before up at Hayley's blank face.

"Still getting flashes?" he asked.

"They come and go," she nodded, running her hand through her hair. "What are you going to do now?"

Flynn shrugged, letting out a long and tired sigh. That was the big question that had been on his mind ever since this all began. Benjamin Flynn was a SHIELD agent, and without an organisation to work for, he wasn't sure what that made him anymore.

"A few buddies have gone to CIA and the FBI, investigative jobs, spying for America's big guys," he explained. "Don't really know if that's what I want,"

"You don't exactly have the skill set for anything normal though, do you?" Hayley reminded. "I can't see you sitting in meetings or selling appliances,"

"I have a skill set in _everything_ thank you," Flynn pointed out with a slight chuckle, a sigh following. "Maybe my best bet right now is CIA or Homeland Security. I don't know. What's your plan?"

Hayley laughed and shook her head.

"I haven't got a plan. And I don't really want one. I'm not exactly in the right mind to go back into any sort of battlefield, at least not for a while. I need to sort this out first," she explained, pointing toward her head.

"I'm glad," Flynn nodded. "You need to get away from all this for a while,"

"I will be, but it won't be for long," she sighed. "Steve needs to find Bucky, and I'm not letting him do that on his own,"

"That's not really your job though," Flynn shrugged, watching as her lips turned into a frown. "Don't get pissed off, I'm just talking from _my_ opinion,"

"Don't remember asking for it," Hayley mumbled.

"Yeah, well you've got it anyway. Going after the Winter Soldier is a dead end, the guy _knows_ every single hiding place in world. No one found him before all of this, and I'll bet no one will find him now either. You'll be chasing down Hydra leads, which will just lead to more Hydra pieces of shit. Hydra, Hydra, Hydra - that's all you'll find."

Hayley looked back down at her coffee, letting Flynn's words sink in.

"Maybe I want that," she shrugged. "I can't fix what they did to me or what they made me do, and I have to learn to live with it. But I _can_ fix the fact there's still Hydra out there. I can find them-"

"You'll never find them all O'Connor," Flynn shook his head. "What I'm trying to say is that Hydra is like a black hole, and you'll never find the bottom."

"We can try," she countered. "Jesus, how did we get on this. When are you leaving?"

Flynn finished his coffee in one more gulp before leaving back in the chair, letting out a long sigh.

"Was thinking of taking off this afternoon," he shrugged. "But I've gotta figure out where I'm taking off too first,"

"Anywhere but here," Hayley suggested, a grin on her lips.

She wished she could leave this afternoon and go anywhere else in the world. It didn't even have to be out of the country, it just had to be away from here.

"What's Charlie doing?" she asked.

Flynn rolled his eyes.

"I've been wondering that for years," he chuckled before shrugging. "He's not worried. He works best under the radar, and there's still a lot more Hydra he wants to uncover. My bet is we won't be seeing him for a while, he's gonna crawl back into some dark room somewhere."

Hayley laughed, knowing that Flynn was right.

"I think he's got the best deal out of all of us,"

* * *

Blake was smiling down at his laptop when Hayley walked into his room, using her key to swipe her way inside without even knocking. She could hear the little squeals and gurgles of his son on the other side of the screen, and she couldn't help the skip in her heartbeat. Bobby was the purest little creature Hayley had ever known, and in the middle of all this chaos and trauma, the sound of his excited voice was more than enough to bring a genuine smile to her lips.

"Who's this Bob Bob?" Blake teased, turning the computer.

"Is that Aunty Hayley?" Laura gasped, her face lighting up the screen as she held the baby in her lap. "Look!"

Bobby's eyes found Hayley a moment later, his little hands reaching up to the screen in hopes of grabbing her. His laugh made her whole body calm, and she really wished he was here so she could hold him in her arms. Everything would feel better with a cuddly Bobby.

"Hey there little man," Hayley cooed, leaning down. "Look how big you're getting!"

"Uh! Uh!" the baby called out, wanting to be picked up.

Hayley frowned at his attempts, turning to Blake as she heard Bobby begin to whine and cry.

"This is so cruel," Hayley whispered to him, nudging his side. "It's okay Bob Bob, I'm going to see you soon!"

Laura tried to hold the boy still in her arms, but he was having none of it.

"Da!" he cried. "Dada!"

Blake turned the screen back to him a moment later, chatting with Laura and listening to Bobby cry. It was the first time Hayley really saw how Blake's work affected his life. These days, he stayed close to his family and only ventured out when necessary, but there was always the risk he wouldn't come home. Bobby wanted him home, he wanted his father, and Hayley could see how it hurt Blake.

When their Skype call had ended, Blake closed the laptop and sat back in the couch, letting out a long sigh.

"You need to go home," Hayley told him.

"It's nice seeing you too," Blake chuckled, shaking his head.

Hayley grinned over at him before throwing herself down by his side, leaning down to rest her head against his shoulder. Blake's arms went around her then, taking a deep breath. They barely had a moment to talk with everything going on, and now all they wanted was to sit in silence.

"You're gonna get through this," Blake promised, pressing a light kiss on top of her head. "You know that, right?"

Hayley was quiet for a moment, letting out a soft sigh as she readjusted herself against his side. She knew that Blake was right - she would get through this - but it was the matter of 'how' she would get through this that bothered her. The nightmares she suffered before all of this were bad enough, and now she had the faces and names of her victims to go along with the flashes and horrid sights she saw whenever she closed her eyes.

It wasn't going to be easy.

"I know," she nodded. "But this...this isn't like what happened with Borya. I was in control when I...when that happened. This time, I don't remember pulling the trigger. I don't remember killing _twelve_ people. I know their names, I know they all had families, and I know _I'm_ the one who took them-"

"You need to stop reading their files," Blake shook his head. "It's not helping, you're making this harder for yourself. What Hydra made you do, that was someone else. You weren't _you_ Hayley,"

"But I still did it," she sighed. "It doesn't matter how many times everyone tells me 'it wasn't you, this is Hydra' because I know that, I know I had no control. But it was still me who killed them, and that's never going to change. I don't want you to make me feel better about it or try and make me see it another way, okay? It is what it is."

Blake was quiet for a moment, hugging her close.

"All I want is to help you," he reminded.

"I know, and I love you for it," Hayley smiled up at him. "But this...it isn't something that can be fixed, you know? It's something I have to deal with, and I will. And I promise I'll do it right this time, no more messing up-"

"You're allowed to mess up, we all do," Blake told her, shaking his head. "But I'm proud of you Hayley, I really am. And you know you can always get away from all this and stay with us, okay? Even for a few days. Just to take a break from all of this."

"I am taking a break," Hayley nodded. "That's all me and Steve want. I have no idea where, and I know it won't be for too long, but we could both use a break. Especially if the world is about to paint us all as the bad guys in all of this,"

Blake let out a long sigh as he leaned back against the couch. Even when everything calmed down, nothing was going to be the same. He was no longer a SHIELD employee, and he no longer worked for an organisation that ensured world safety. This wasn't something they could bounce back from.

"I want to go home and see mom and dad, but I don't think I can. Not yet. When I tell them what I did...I just need to wrap my own head around it all first. I just need to be away from _everything_ for a bit, you know?"

"I know," Blake nodded. "And that's what you need. But you need to call them first. There's only so much me and Laura can say to calm them down, they need to hear from _you_ Hayley."

"I will," she assured, taking a deep breath. "God, I just want everything to stop for a few months. I don't want to think, I don't want to listen, I just want it all to stop."

Blake let out a long sigh, closing his eyes as he laid his head back against the couch.

"I wish it could."

* * *

Hayley could see Sam in the distance, standing right beside Steve as they spoke quietly in the middle of the path, surrounding by headstones. A graveyard hadn't been their first choice for a meeting, but since it was going to be Nick Fury's 'resting' place for the foreseeable future, it felt fitting to part ways while standing before it. Both Fury and Natasha had already gone on their way, which left Sam and Steve alone to discuss their next move.

Sam had made it clear that he would be willing to fight by Steve's side through anything, and going after Bucky was no different. As much as Steve hated the idea of dragging his friend into more of his mess, he knew what Sam felt. Neither of them could stand by a fight knowing they could do something to help. Steve was determined to make this less of a fight and rather a location mission, but with Hydra involved there would always be a fight.

They both looked up when they heard Hayley's steps approaching, Steve immediately melting into a smile at just the sight.

"This is cosy," Hayley looked around, folding her arms. "I take it Fury's going to be laying low for a while?"

"As low as a dead man should be laying," Sam nodded, turning to gesture toward the Director's headstone.

Hayley looked over at it with a frown, wondering if this was going to be forever. How many times could a man come back to life, after all?

Letting out a sigh, Hayley took a step closer to Steve, feeling his arm snake around her waist and pull her close as he pressed a light kiss to her temple. Sam smiled at the two, noticing how Steve seemed to relax more with Hayley by his side.

"You're looking better," Sam grinned toward Hayley.

"So are you," she smiled, noticing the bruises and cuts on Sam's cheek.

"Too bad we can't all have Cap's recovery rate," he joked, looking to his friend.

Steve let out a small chuckle, unable to argue against his words. It would be hard for anyone to believe that only days ago Steve was littered in purple bruises all over his face and torso. He looked healthier than ever.

But as Hayley looked up at him, she could feel her smile disappearing as she noticed how broken he really looked. There was so much Steve wasn't saying and Hayley could see the pain he was in, and she wished she could do something to make it easier.

As traumatic as this had all been for her, it was equally horrific for Steve.

He had given up everything about his life when he flew that plane into the ice, sacrificing himself in order to save the world from Hydra's wrath. And yet here they were, decades later, as if nothing had changed.

Steve felt his hand being tugged into Hayley's grip a moment later, her fingers weaving into his own as she leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his shoulder.

"Well, you've got my number Cap," Sam began, taking his cue. "Anytime, alright?"

Steve nodded, grateful.

"Thank you, Sam."

"Take care of yourselves,"

They both watched the man begin to walk away, pulling on his sunglasses and tucking his hands into his pockets. Hayley let herself completely lean into Steve then, her arms wrapping around his middle.

"Are you okay?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he nodded, giving her a smile.

Hayley looked down to the lump of documents tucked under Steve's arm, noticing the Russian label.

"From Natasha?" she asked, gesturing.

Steve pulled it out, holding it in front of them.

"It's a file on The Winter Soldier," he nodded. "She called in a few favours to get her hands on it. Whatever's in here, they made sure it wouldn't be easy to find."

"Just like everything else they've hidden," Hayley sighed. "Are you sure you want to see all of that?"

Steve nodded slowly, pulling open the first page to see a photo of Bucky just as he remembered him. Uniformed, ready for war, untouched by Hydra. It was a photo of Steve's best friend, the man he grew up with, nothing like the Winter Soldier.

"I need to know what they did to him," he assured, closing it once again. "And I need to find them. Every Hydra location, every double-agent they have, until I find him."

Hayley watched him closely, taking a tighter grip on his hand.

"Well, you're not doing any of that on your own," she assured.

"And I'm not making you go anywhere near them-"

"You don't _make_ me do anything," she cut him off, shaking her head. "Thought you might have learned by now I kind of have a mind of my own. At least, it's mine _now_ ,"

"That's not what I meant," he sighed.

"I know," she nodded. "But what else am I going to do Steve? There's nothing else out there for me. This is it. Finding the pieces of shit who...who made me do all those things. That's all there is for me, at least for now. That...and you,"

Steve leaned down gently and ran his hand along Hayley's cheek, tilting her gaze up until they were only a breath away from one another's lips before he pressed them together. It was soft and quick, but whenever Steve held her gaze like that, she couldn't help how giddy it made her feel.

"I did promise that we'd get out of here," he began, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a set of keys.

Hayley grinned excitedly at the very thought of finally leaving all of this. Driving away from this city, away from the people everywhere who wanted to paint them as the bad guys, who wanted to blame them for not doing more. Away from everyone and everything.

* * *

 **Hi guys! Thanks for continuing to read! Please leave a review with any thoughts xx**


	21. Chapter 21

_Thanks for continuing to read guys! This is a very Steve/Hayley chapter. Enjoy!_

* * *

 **XXI - I Could Live With That**

* * *

When Steve had told Sam about wanting to get away with Hayley for a while, he had insisted the soldier take his car. Sam didn't drive it nearly enough and he would rather it get some mileage rather than rust away in his garage. It only took a little over an hour to finally convince Steve to actually take his keys and drive the damn car.

And now it really was getting some mileage. The first destination of their improvised road trip would be Chicago in order to visit Hayley's parents, but the ten hours in between was all theirs. Just the idea of having as much time as they wanted to themselves made the traffic so much easier to deal with. Steve didn't care how long he had to stare at the line of break lights in front of them, because Hayley was in the passenger seat tapping her foot to the radio and leaning back in the chair with a sigh of content.

This was the very opposite of what their lives had been for so long, and it was perfect. Neither of them wanted to think about it ending anytime soon, despite how ready Steve was to start tracking down Bucky. Even he knew that going after his friend so quickly would be pointless, and his mind was already reeling from what he knew about Hydra.

But this, right now, was exactly what they wanted. It felt so normal, and they both began to imagine how this could be their life now SHIELD was gone.

"Okay?" Steve asked, reaching over to tap Hayley's leg.

She had been staring at the same bug on the windscreen for almost ten minutes now, not saying a word.

"Mm, yeah," she smiled, letting out a soft sigh of content. "The sun's really warm,"

Hayley reached down to catch Steve's hand before it slipped off her leg again, wrapping her fingers around his and holding it in place. Steve smiled to himself at the little gesture, feeling his heart flutter like a schoolboy.

"You know, technically we're homeless right now," Hayley told him after a moment of content silence.

Steve thought for a moment, unable to keep the small chuckle from escaping his lips.

"I guess we are," he agreed.

"I liked your apartment," she told him, letting out a soft sigh. "I liked it better than mine."

"I liked yours," he admit.

"It was more 'ours' though, wasn't it?"

Steve smiled warmly.

"It definitely felt like more of a home than mine did,"

"At the risk of sounding cheesy," she warned. "I think I just like wherever you are."

That did it for Steve. His stomach felt like it was doing somersaults, his heart pounding faster in his chest, and he had never really felt such an overwhelming amount of love for someone. Neither of them had been very vocal about their feelings, especially in the beginning, but it seemed to have taken a few life-altering situations for them to see it for themselves.

Steve had always been in awe of Hayley and everything she held on her shoulders, and right now was no different. They had both been through so many of their own Hells in the past few days and yet here they were. The only thing to have survived these days of chaos.

The amount of times Steve had almost lost Hayley seemed to dawn on him in that moment, and he wanted more than anything to just stay here in this car, gridlocked in angry traffic, simply looking at her.

"I love you," he told her, his voice sure and strong.

Hayley looked to him, her eyes searching him for any sign of trouble. She had heard him say those words many times, but right now he sounded so desperate for her to hear them.

"Hey," she breathed out gently, squeezing his hand in hers. "I love you too."

* * *

Wandering the small aisles of the gas station, Hayley peaked out the window to see Steve still standing by the car, filling it with gas. He had his black baseball cap pulled over his head, but his sunglasses remained on the dashboard. She smiled to herself at the sight, appreciating just how normal and domestic this moment seemed to be. They had never experienced this before, not without the looming deadline for a mission or a SHIELD briefing always clouding their mind.

It was sad to think about the organization being gone, especially after they had all committed so much of their life to it. But it was hard to miss that feeling of always being monitored, always being expected.

Hayley grabbed a few bags of potato chips, a couple of candy bars and two bottles of water before heading to the counter. As she waited for the man to ring up her items and add the gas to her order, she looked down and saw the stack of newspapers neatly displayed on the stand.

As usual, the headlines were gripping.

 _INSIDE SHIELD: THE TRUTH_

So the world had everything they could ever need to pin all heroes and agents up as villains. Every mission, every target, every step that anyone took to get them to where they are now. All of that information was out there, and now people were breaking it down and analysing it so that no one could misinterpret what happened. So that no one could defend them.

Hayley quickly grabbed one of the copies and slipped it onto the counter next to her other items. Soon enough, she handed over the cash and took everything in her arms to carry back out to the car.

Steve was still standing outside, his arms folded as he leaned back against the hood, eyes scanning around the station parking lot. Neither of them would ever really be able to turn off that part of their brain.

"I'll drive from here," Hayley suggested, smirking as she held her free hand out for the keys.

Steve watched her for a moment, playfully grinning before he handed them over and helped take some of the items from her arms.

"Should I be nervous?" he asked.

"Of my driving?" she frowned, slapping a hand against his side. "Now I'm going to scare you on purpose."

Steve moved around to the opposite side of the car, sliding into the passenger seat and unscrewing the cap on one of the water bottles. As Hayley settled in beside him, pulling her seatbelt around to clip in, Steve noticed the newspaper headline.

"This isn't going to be off the front pages for a while, is it?" Steve sighed, brow furrowing as he lifted the paper into his hands.

"Probably not," Hayley huffed, turning the keys in the ignition.

"You know this is all going to be blown out of proportion, right?" Steve added, continuing to look down at the image of the crumbling Triskellion as Hayley drove them out onto the road. "This isn't going to be accurate."

"It doesn't have to be," Hayley shrugged. "The whole world is going to read it and they know that."

"You want to read it?" he asked.

"I want to know what they're telling people," Hayley nodded. "I know we're taking time away from all of that, and I know I was the one who really pushed for it and I stopped you from going after Bucky-"

"Hayley," Steve cut in, shaking his head as he looked up at her. "You didn't stop me from anything. I'm still going to find him, but I know we both need a time out here."

Gripping the steering wheel, Hayley bit down her lip and shook her head softly.

"I just can't completely block it out," she explained. "And I want this time to be ours, I do. But it's hard to ignore."

"I know," Steve sighed. "I can't seem to block it out either."

They remained in silence as Steve began to flick through the newspaper, skimming the five pages of articles and summaries that had been published. Hayley listened as he told her small pieces, both of them muttering and scoffing as they found error after error in their accuracy.

SHIELD was being blamed for everything, they knew that was coming. But Hydra was only taking part of the blame. The real question everyone seemed to be asking was how Hydra managed to get their way into SHIELD in the first place. Who overlooked the evil organisation growing in their own ranks? Who could they blame?

And the big issue they were all now facing – can we even trust our 'heroes'?

* * *

When Hayley had warned Steve she would scare him, he seemed to completely underestimate the threat. He had never been in a car with Hayley driving, and although she was perfectly capable and had been driving smoothly for over an hour now, Steve felt himself gripping the dashboard once they made it onto a busier stretch of highway.

Hayley weaved them in and out between the other cars, switching lanes and cutting off other drivers with an enthusiasm he hadn't seen before. The way she tapped her hand against the wheel to the music playing through the radio, the groaning and complaining out the window at other drivers all reminded him that there was a Hayley before all of this.

Before she entered the military, before she joined SHIELD, before she lost her brother and before her world became a little darker each day. This was the care-free Hayley that Steve had always wanted to see. Wind blowing through her hair, sun warming her skin, completely free from the world they had been a part of for so long.

"Idiot!" she yelled, watching as a red Volkswagen zoomed in front of her and slammed on their brakes.

Steve looked over at her cautiously, wondering if she was going to begin hitting the horn.

"We're close to our exit, aren't we?" he asked, knowing they passed a sign not long ago.

Their first stop would be in a small town just off the highway, buried away somewhere far from tall buildings and loud traffic. There were motels everywhere in towns connected to the highway, and spending a night in a cramped up room in the middle of nowhere was more appealing to them than it should have been.

"Yeah, next right," Hayley huffed. "If this _asshole_ ever gets out of my way!"

Steve pursed his lips, holding back a chuckle that threatened to burst out at her anger. But Hayley could see him out the corner of her eyes, his body shaking slightly in a silent laugh.

"What?" she asked, some anger fading as she turned her attention to Steve instead. "Why are you laughing?"

"Nothing," Steve smirked, shaking his head.

"Would you like to walk the rest of the way?" she warned, her own lips pulling into an amused grin.

"Fine, but I'll take the last candy bar," he teased.

Hayley laughed and leaned over to nudge at Steve's side with her elbow. This was what it was like to be normal. Well, as normal as they could be, and it felt right.

They drove for another ten minutes in silence, making their way through the heavy pile-up of cars until they finally reached their exit and began breaking away from the busy roads. The sun was almost set, and Hayley looked up at the evening glow. Away from all the chaos they had been around, the sky looked more beautiful than ever.

"Do you ever think about what our lives would be like if we weren't who we are?" she asked, turning off onto another quiet road. "If you weren't Captain America, if I weren't a SHIELD operative,"

Steve had thought about that. Many times.

It was what he thought about when he had trouble sleeping at night, which happened more often than not. A life with Hayley would make him happy, without a doubt.

Steve knew that it was near impossible for him to live without fighting for something, he just knew. That went for Hayley, too. They were two people who couldn't turn away from a fight if they could do something about it. As much as they tried, they really couldn't.

But that didn't mean they couldn't dream about it, that they couldn't make up their own fairy tale in their mind about the many other ways their life could go.

"Yeah, I think about it," he told her. "Do you?"

"Yeah," she gave a nod. "Been thinking about it a lot lately,"

"What would it be like?" Steve asked, wondering if Hayley felt like sharing.

Hayley smiled to herself, shrugging her shoulders as she thought.

"This. It'd be like this. We'd go and do groceries, walk around the mall and complain about not needing things but getting them anyway. We'd cook dinner together and be full by the time we actually sat down, we'd have a show that we could only watch together, we'd lay in bed all morning on weekends and have nowhere else to be," she explained, her voice trailing off. "Basically we would be living in a romantic comedy, but without all the bad things happening. I think we've had our share."

Steve grinned, warmed by her words.

"Do you want all of that?"

"Sometimes," she admit. "Like right now, that all sounds pretty good to me."

"I could live with that," Steve told her, reaching over to take her free hand in his, pulling it to his lips for a soft kiss.

Hayley smiled toward him lovingly, wishing she could pull him close for an actual kiss. But she was still driving, after all.

"We'd get bored," she admit. "I know we would."

"It's nice to think about though," Steve assured. "And maybe one day…"

"Yeah, maybe one day."

* * *

Hayley could hear the sound of buzzing insects swarming around the streetlights outside as if they were right there in her ears. Every now and then she could hear a sharp hiss and know that there was one less bug flying about. Coupled with the sound of their neighbours roaring television and Hayley understood exactly why she couldn't sleep a wink.

Every time she felt herself dozing off, her mind would refocus on something else she was trying to forget. More often than not her mind would be swimming with images of the twelve victims, their names, their families, their death. But even when her mind gave her a moment of rest from those painful reminders, there were plenty more to pick from.

Beside her, Steve shifted against the pillows, letting out a small groan. For a moment Hayley thought he had woken up, but his eyes were still shut when she glanced down at him. One arm was resting beneath his pillow and the other was slung over Hayley's hips.

As Hayley watched Steve's bare chest rise and fall with his gentle breathing, she felt tuning out all of the noises that kept her mind awake. If she could just focus on the soft sounds coming from his lips, there was a chance she could get some sleep. Even just an hour.

But a few minutes later, just as Hayley's eyes began to droop, Steve's body shot upright with a choking gasp. Steve took in as much air as he could, his throat dry and aching as he breathed in desperately. His body was trembling as he looked around the room, eyes wide with panic, while his hands roamed the sheets.

"Steve!" Hayley called, gently shifting to sit up next to him. "Hey, hey, look. It's me, it's Hayley, look at me."

Steve watched her carefully, his mouth hanging open wide as he tried to keep from choking on the air he was sucking in. He felt her hands go to his cheeks, run along his skin, then down along his jaw until she was cupping his face.

"Hey," she soothed, whispering. "You're okay. You're here with me, we're safe."

Steve could feel his body beginning to calm down, but he was still hyperventilating. Hayley grabbed his attention once his eyes met hers, grabbing his hand and laying it across her chest. Steve could faintly hear her chanting _in, out, in, out_.

"There you go," she praised, a small smile on her lips. "Deep breaths, nice and slow."

"S-sorry," Steve shook his head, his eyes squeezing shut.

"No, hey, look at me," she instructed, running her thumb over his cheeks again.

Steve's eyes opened to hers staring back at him, her breath warm against his lips. Hayley leaned in and ended their distance, pressing a kiss to his forehead as she pulled him against her. His whole body was shaking and although his body had been a warm heat beside her moments ago, he was now cold.

"It's okay," she soothed, wrapping her arms around him.

She felt Steve return their hug a moment later, arms snaking around her and pulling her until she was sitting in his lap. Steve's head nestled into her neck and she could feel him taking a few deep breaths, reminding himself of where he was.

For the past few days, it had been Hayley who woke like this with Steve comforting her through it all. He always knew how to calm her down and what to say to make all of her nerves and fears fade away, and all she hoped was that she could do the same for him right now.

Sometimes Steve had dreams about being in the ice again. Sometimes he relived that dreaded moment on the train over and over again, watching his best friend fall to his death. Sometimes he could just hear bombs going off and woke up thinking they were at a base in Austria being attacked in the middle of the night.

Steve's mind was an endless void of painful memories, and each night his dreams played roulette with them.

"I'm sorry," Steve repeated, his voice muffled in Hayley's hair.

"Don't be," she shook her head. "Ever."

"I woke you up,"

"Wasn't asleep,"

"You didn't sleep? Again?" he asked, pulling back slightly.

"I get plenty of sleep," she assured, pressing a kiss to his lips when he moved closer. "How are you feeling?"

"Awake," he sighed, his heart still racing. "I thought…Hydra…"

"It's okay, you're safe," she told him gently.

"I thought they had you…again," he admit, hanging his head low. "I couldn't get you."

Hayley's heart ached at his words, at how broken his voice sounded.

"I'm right here," she promised, her hand resting on his chest.

"I can't lose you," he shook his head. "I can't."

"You won't,"

"Everyone I love…they're gone," he continued.

"Not me, not ever," she told him, carding a hand through his hair. "I promise."

"Hydra has a way of taking everything I love from me," he whispered. "And I couldn't even stop them. I died…for nothing. I went down in the ice and lost everything and everyone and...it changed nothing."

"It changed _everything_ Steve," she argued firmly. "There are so many people alive today, so many people living and breathing because of you. Because you saved them. You didn't die for nothing Steve. I need you to hear that, okay? What you did…I don't think you'll ever realize what it meant."

Steve moved forward to rest his forehead against Hayley's, feeling her hands running through his hair and stroking over the back of his neck. This was where he was content. This was where he found his peace.

But Zola's words wouldn't leave him alone. They followed him in his dreams and in every waking moment. Every time he saw his name in the papers, every time he saw footage on the news. No matter how hard he tried to focus on anything else, Zola's words kept ringing in his ears.

 _Your death amounts to nothing. A zero sum._

It was almost an hour later when Steve finally laid back down against the pillows with Hayley nestled close, bodies wrapped around one another. Neither of them paid any mind to the blaring volume of the television next door or the bugs zapping outside, even if they were just as loud as ever.

Suddenly their world was silent for a moment, even if the sun was beginning to rise just as their eyes were finally closing.

* * *

 _Please leave a review with any thoughts xxx_


	22. Chapter 22

**XXII - We Should Have Left**

* * *

There were very few places in this world that Hayley felt one hundred percent safe, protected and content. Most of them were gone now, shattered by the realisation that almost everything she ever believed in was a lie, but a few still remained. One of them was home.

With her mother's arms wrapped around her tight enough to constrict significant blood flow, Hayley felt safe. Warm, comforted, calm.

"All I've wanted to do for these last few days is hug my little girl," Frances cried, pressing kisses to Hayley's forehead. "I'm so glad you're here, I'm so glad you're home."

"I'm glad too mom," Hayley sighed, falling into her mother's embrace. "I missed you."

David stood off to the side, smiling at them lovingly. Their daughter had been home for all of twenty minutes and she hadn't been left alone for a second. If it wasn't her father hugging her close, it was her mother, and then it was Steve. The soldier stood next to David with his arms folded, mirroring the older man's grateful expression as he watched how relieved and relaxed Hayley became in her mother's arms.

After a few days of traveling and staying overnight at small motels along the highway, both Hayley and Steve had been excited to finally step into the familiar O'Connor home. As soon as they climbed out of the car, they felt a wave of stress and discomfort wash off their shoulders. It was as if the past few weeks hadn't even occurred. Instead, it felt like they had lived here for years with a happy suburban life. No missions, no organisations, no secrets. A quiet life, just like the one they had talked about. The

"Elliot told me you weren't in the best shape the other day," David began, turning to Steve. "I hope you're not pushing yourself."

"No, no, I'm fine," Steve shook his head. "Healed up pretty quickly, thankfully."

"You're a lucky man Steve,"

Steve's eyes wandered back to Hayley, his heart swelling as he watched her laugh with her mother and smile uncontrollably. Frances tugged her daughter along to the kitchen, shaking her head and patting Hayley's stomach, reminding her she needed to eat more.

"I know I am," he agreed, turning back to the man. "I could have lost everything, and I almost did. I could have lost _her._ Again."

David watched Steve carefully, a fond grin on his lips. Of all the men in the world, his daughter was with the nation's most famous soldier. A man from a whole other time, and yet it felt like there was no one else she was meant to be with.

"You and I both know Hayley doesn't need you to protect her," David continued. "She's stronger than anyone I've ever met. Once her mind is on something, there's no stopping that girl. She's more of a handful than her brother was. Unfortunately I've seen her take hit after hit. But every time…she's picked herself back up, hasn't she? Every time. But you protect her in a whole other way Steve, I can see that. Anyone can see that."

Steve warmed at his words.

"I don't know what I'd do without her," he shook his head, unable to even fathom. "When she was missing…I was just…I can't do that again. I can't lose her, I _won't_ lose her."

"Every time she leaves this house, I wonder when I'm going to see her again," David sighed. " _If_ I'm going to see her again. It breaks my heart, but she's always wanted to be part of the fight in any way she can."

"That hasn't changed," Steve agreed. "I don't think it ever will."

"Frances and I know," he added, letting out a long sigh. "What…what they had her do. The people that took her."

Steve looked to him sadly, at a loss for words.

"I can imagine the Hell she's putting herself through with all of that guilt," David continued. "And I suppose there's no sense reminding her that it wasn't her fault."

"We've talked about it," Steve gave a nod, not wanting to get into details. "She knows it wasn't her fault, that it wasn't _really_ her, but to her it changes almost nothing. She knows their names now, knows their lives and their families and all she can think about is the fact that she's the reason they're not here anymore."

"She's researching them? That can't be helping."

"It's not," Steve shook his head. "But there's no real way to deal with what happened. I can't tell her what she should or shouldn't do, I can't…I can't _help_ her like I want to and it kills me."

David sighed, reaching up to pat Steve's back like a comforting father.

"You're helping her more than you know Steve, trust me on that," he assured.

Steve had David's words on his mind all afternoon, watching Hayley melt into normality while surrounded by her family. It was nice to be back, and a part of him never wanted to leave. Part of him wanted that suburban life.

Hayley had drank almost the entire jug of her mom's lemonade, the taste immediately taking her back to her childhood and far from all of the chaos going on in her mind. For a while she could imagine the world stopping where it was, enjoying this moment for months on end, never facing another person.

"Let us help with dinner," Hayley insisted, sitting up on the couch where she laid, her legs resting over Steve's.

"No, no, there's no need. Me and your father miss having people to actually cook for," Frances assured. "You two just stay here and relax, okay?"

Hayley settled back down into the couch, feeling Steve lay his hands over her legs in his lap and run his fingers over them lazily. When she looked up at him, he had his head tilted back against the back of the couch with his eyes closed, his breath even and content.

This was just what they needed. With the cool wind blowing in through the open windows, the chill setting in for the evening, neither of them wanted to move a muscle.

"They're not going to want us to leave," Hayley chuckled, nestling further into the cushions at her back.

"Not sure we'll want to either," he hummed, opening his eyes slightly to look over and see how relaxed Hayley looked.

It mirrored just how Steve felt.

"I can't remember the last time we sat on a couch like this," she sighed. "We used to do this all the time."

"Yeah, we did," Steve smiled, remembering fondly. "I don't think I ever went back to my own apartment when I got finished assignments. It was always your place, on your couch, for hours on end. With pizza and movies I didn't understand."

Hayley laughed, reaching an arm up to brush her hair out of her face. It seemed like so long ago when that was their reality. When missions were part of their daily life, when they used to train constantly at their little old gym down the block, when Hayley used to help Steve adjust to this modern world. So much had happened since then, the memories felt like more of a dream than anything else.

Steve could still remember the feeling of absolute joy when he would walk through Hayley's door and see her splayed out on the couch or tucked up near the window looking out at the city, knowing that once the door closed behind him it was just going to be the two of them until morning came. It felt like they had all the time in the world. He remembered thinking about their future, how they could live just like this for the rest of their lives and make it work. They could have made it work, he was sure of it.

But no one could have known what the future had planned for them, and right now all they wanted was to go back in time and stay there.

"I shouldn't have become an agent," she continued, voice low and regretful. "We should have hopped in a car after what happened in New York and just left it all behind."

Steve took a deep breath and felt his smile fade into a frown, his hands running over Hayley's legs as she pulled them from his lap and sat up next to him.

"We should have left," she shook her head. "We didn't owe anything to anyone."

"Neither of us wanted that," Steve explained. "We both fought to have that life, and we were happy living it."

"We thought we were keeping people safe,"

"We did keep people safe,"

Hayley looked up at him, knowing ultimately he was right. They had been under the assumption that SHIELD was the world's safest, legitimate and peaceful organisation that the world had to offer, and although it had been a lie, so many people were alive and safe because of their work. Not everyone at SHIELD held the double life of a Hydra agent, there were still good people among them, and Hayley had to remind herself of that.

"I know," Hayley rubbed her eyes, leaning forward to rest her head on Steve's shoulder. "I just can't help thinking about what I should have done differently."

Steve's arm reached around Hayley's waist, holding her close as he turned to pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Trust me, you'll drive yourself insane if you live like that," he advised, pulling her to lean against him.

"Already going insane," she groaned, burying her face further into his neck and letting all of her weight lay against him.

Soon enough she was laying in Steve's lap, crowded by his protective arms, feeling his chest rise and fall against her side. All they could hear was the tinkering in the kitchen from her parents, the slow hum of traffic on the surrounding streets and birds chirping as they flew by the windows.

A completely different world to the one they watched fall apart only a week ago.

* * *

Bobby's laughter was a sound that Hayley had no idea how much she needed until she actually heard it. It filled her whole body with joy, with peace, and it was a sound she could happily listen to for hours on end. Days, even.

The seven month old baby was currently sitting in Hayley's lap, clapping his hands together wildly at his aunt blowing bubbles in her milkshake. Each time Hayley took an exaggerated breath, making the glass bubble over with frothy chocolate milk bubbles, the baby would scream out in glee.

"Hayley," Frances scolded lightly.

"What? He likes it," Hayley laughed, unable to tear her eyes away from Bobby's adorable gummy grin.

"I feel like we're out with two babies instead of one," Blake chuckled, sitting across from Hayley.

They were sitting in the morning sun outside an old café near their home, finally joined by Blake, Laura and Bobby for the last few days of getaway that Steve and Hayley were allowing themselves.

Steve sat beside Blake, looking over at Hayley and Bobby with an adoring smile. This was the Hayley he loved seeing, completely carefree and full of joy. Her smile radiated and he had honestly never witnessed something so beautiful, and he hated that it was a rare thing to see. Especially these past few weeks.

"Is that yummy?" Hayley asked the baby, watching as he munched on a small piece of banana, lifting it to her lips. "Oh, for me?"

Steve laughed on as he observed Bobby shoving the mushed up fruit against Hayley's lips, watching as she chomped down on it and his fingers playfully, making him squeal out in laughter once again. They were all sure that no one made Bobby laugh like Hayley did.

The little boy was obsessed with her, and Hayley adored him more than words would ever be able to explain.

"How are things settling down for you, Elliot?" David asked, setting down his coffee to turn toward the men.

"I think we've got a long road ahead before anything starts settling," Blake sighed, adding a spoonful of sugar to his coffee. "I'm still trying to get into contact with some buddies of mine, make sure they're okay and have somewhere to go."

"Do you have somewhere to go?" Hayley asked, taking her attention away from Bobby for a moment. "Something lined up?"

"I have a friend in Homeland that wants me over there," Blake shrugged. "To be honest, I could use some time off before I get back into any of that."

"Now there's a good idea Elliot," Frances grinned. "I'm sure Laura and Bobby would love having you home for a while."

Laura reached over to lay her hand on Blake's leg, feeling him lean in to press a kiss to her forehead. That seemed to be the plan for a while.

"You could _all_ use some time off," Frances continued, looking toward Hayley and Steve now.

Hayley sighed and leaned down to rest her chin on Bobby's head softly, smelling his baby hair and feeling his banana-sticky hands gripping onto her fingers. Her mother had never been subtle about wanting another life for Hayley, and after all that had happened lately, she really couldn't blame the woman for continuing to push the idea of a career change.

But Hayley would never be used to a life that didn't involve fighting. After everything she put herself through to be the soldier she was today, it just wasn't an option. Not yet. She knew Steve felt the same, no matter how many times they discussed their hypothetical quiet life.

They were far from done. Steve had Bucky to find, to save from the life Hydra had forced him into, and Hayley wanted nothing more than to help him do that. For her, there was no greater revenge on Hydra themselves than finding the soldier they turned into a weapon and helping him undo their damage.

Hayley also wanted some atonement for what she had done, and until she got out there and fought back against whatever was remaining of Hydra, there would be no other life for her.

"Why don't you and Steve head up to the cabins we used to take you kids? Spend a few weeks away, take a break from all of-"

"Mom," Hayley cut in, shaking her head. "We talked about this."

"Two weeks is not a break," Frances explained. "You need-"

"You don't know what I need," she snapped.

"I know you need time, Hayley. After what you went through-"

"You don't know anything about it," Hayley interrupted. "You can't tell me what I need or want or what's good for me when you don't understand-"

"Then help me understand. Just talk to me, tell me-"

"Okay, we're really not doing this," Hayley shook her head, turning back to the table that had fallen into silence.

Steve was looking back at her with worried eyes, and once Hayley's gaze met his, they dropped back down to the table and hoped that the moment would pass. Thankfully, Blake picked up conversation with David once more and Laura began chatting to Frances to help move the topics along.

But Hayley knew this was a conversation that just wasn't going to end. It had been going since she was twenty two, and there would never be a satisfying end for either of them.

"Wee," Bobby mumbled, pointing up at Hayley with a grin.

Hayley's heart swelled as she leaned down to pepper his forehead with kisses.

"That's me, is it? Wee?"

"Wee!" Bobby laughed.

Hayley hugged the baby closer, letting him twist in her arms to face her and lean in against her chest, his eyes fluttering closed. At least, for someone, Hayley could offer a calm and comforting embrace. She could keep him safe and loved and away from everything that haunted her dreams.

And that was just another reason why a life without fighting just wasn't an option.

* * *

 **Hey guys! Thanks for reading, and sorry it's been a while since an update! I'm planning on the next chapter not being so long away, so stay** **tuned!**

 **Please leave a review with any thoughts xxx**


	23. Chapter 23

Sitting still had never been Steve's area of expertise. This was their downtime, their chance to take in the calm and quiet of their life despite the reality being so far from that. But Steve couldn't sit still.

He had been running around the neighbourhood for close to two hours now, jogging as far as he could without getting himself lost in this unfamiliar city. Even with a cap pulled down over his face, he felt eyes all over him. Steve wondered how long the paranoia was going to last and if it was ever going to leave them, but he was quickly reminded that both he and Hayley, along with every other SHIELD employee, had every right to that paranoia.

But his paranoia was nothing compared to Hayley's obsession. There were no other words to describe her behaviour, and as Steve made his way through the white fence and into the backyard, he was reminded of that. Her brown hair hung out over the side of the hammock she lounged in, shaded by the tree above, tablet in her hands. Steve didn't need to ask to know what she was looking at.

"Hayley," Steve sighed, catching his breath.

At the sound of his voice, the tablet dropped down to her chest to hide against her skin, her eyes looking up at him calmly.

"That was a quick run,"

"Two hours?" he breathed out, reaching down to take a few sips of her water.

Hayley looked back at him in confusion.

"Huh, must have dozed off-"

"You can't keep stalking them Hayley," Steve shook his head, but his voice was gentle and calm.

"I'm not stalking," she defended.

"Reading over all their files? Looking at their high school pictures? You're stalking every part of their lives," he explained. "That's not gonna make things easier, Hayley. Why are you torturing yourself?"

Hayley looked away from him, beginning to fiddle with her fingers anxiously. She had heard this speech from Steve many times now.

"Because I can see them all," she told him softly. "Every time I think about it, I can see their faces and I...I don't even know them, and I ended their lives. Every time I think that I have all those memories back, that I can remember everything about being with Hydra, something new comes back. It doesn't matter if it's the food I ate or the weather or the smell...I keep getting something new, and I see them all over again."

It took a moment before she looked back up to meet Steve's gaze, and she wished she didn't. He looked at her with the same expression she received from her parents, Blake and even Laura. A look of grief and pity. A look she never wanted from Steve.

"It's going to take time," he sighed. "A lot of time."

"I know,"

"But all this? It _needs_ to stop."

Hayley shook her head, rubbing at her temples to ease a growing headache.

"I know. I'm trying."

They remained in silence for a moment, knowing that nothing more could be said. They had spent hours and hours on this exact conversation over the past few weeks and it seemed to go nowhere. Hayley knew she needed to stop making this worse for herself, but it was hard to let go of what she had done. Families wanted answers, they wanted justice, and she really couldn't blame them.

"Let's get out for the day, okay?" Steve offered a few moments later. "Show me around, just like old times."

Hayley looked to him with a small smile, adoring the way he tried to take her mind off things. Steve could be just as worked up and stressed as she was, and he would put that all on hold to make her feel better.

"You want a tour of Chicago?" she asked, a grin on her lips.

"Only from the best," he returned, smirking.

It was an hour later that they were strolling around the streets of Chicago, hand in hand, just like any other couple that walked among the crowd. No one had given them a second glance, no one had recognised them at all. They were invisible people in this city and, although they were surrounded by a sea of people, they felt calm.

* * *

Hayley's breath ripped through her violently as she sat up in bed, her eyes wide and alert, her hand clawing at her arm. The glass of water on her bedside table shook from the sudden movement, and upon noticing, Hayley gulped it down quickly. She squeezed her eyes closed, begging her mind to stop showing their faces. To stop making her listen to the guns, the breaking bones, the screams.

With shaking hands, Hayley moved to set the glass back down, trying to calm herself. Her arm had scratches and growing bruises all over it, and it had been a long time since she remembered waking like this. Looking around, Hayley suddenly remembered she was still in her childhood bedroom, still at her parents house, still in Chicago. They were leaving in the morning, and this had to happen on the very last night.

Steve was on the living room couch, laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Its was two thirty in the morning, and Steve had counted three solid hours of sleep on and off throughout the night. The idea of getting back out onto the road tomorrow was keeping him awake. They were going to be one day closer to finding Bucky, to hunting down Hydra, and Steve knew that meant one day closer to Hayley really facing what happened.

Just as Steve felt himself drifting, he heard footsteps approaching from the stairs. Looking up over the back of the couch, he saw Hayley wandering over to him, her body trembling as if she had just stepped out of snow.

"You okay?" he asked cautiously.

It was a sight he had seen many times before, but it never made it any easier to deal with. She looked so shaken up, and Steve didn't need to ask what had happened. He felt a pang of guilt, knowing that Hayley's nightmares were less intense when he slept by her side. But Steve was old fashioned, and this was her parents house. It didn't feel right to share her bed, and so he insisted on taking the couch.

"Can't sleep," she sighed, rubbing her eyes. "I need a drink."

"Here," Steve reached over to grab his own glass of water, lifting it to her.

Hayley smiled softly, accepting it with a quiet thank you. It wasn't exactly the drink she was talking about, but it was probably the best alternative. She had promised not only herself but everyone around her that she would not shut herself down this time. She would not turn to her old ways of coping, she wouldn't drown herself in whiskey and vodka and anything she could get her hands on to numb the pain. Hayley was going to deal with this the right way, and that was all starting tomorrow.

Steve watched her swallow down the entire glass of water, taking a deep breath and rubbing her forehead. Then he lifted the blankets from his body and shuffled over slightly, making room for her to scoot in beside him and cuddle up to his side. Steve's arms immediately wrapped around her, holding her close as he laid the blanket back down over both of them.

"Can we make a deal?" she whispered, her voice already sounding like she was dozing off.

"Mm, what kind of deal?" Steve asked, eyes closed as he continued running his hand up and down her back.

"Once this happens, once we start hunting down Hydra agents and looking for him, we stick together," she told him. "I can't take being in the dark again. Me and you, okay? Always the truth. It has to be."

Steve thought for a moment, wondering where her sudden worry was coming from. But Hayley had more reason than anyone to demand the truth, and Steve would never hide anything from her again. In all of this mess, there had been one constant. That was each other.

"Always," he assured, pressing his lips to her forehead.

"And at the end of the day, we come back to each other, okay?" she continued.

Steve listened to her words, remembering not too long ago when he had asked the same of her. Just before they all walked out into that war less than two weeks ago, before their worlds had been turned upside down.

"Hey, we will," he whispered, holding her close. "I promise."

* * *

New York City was twelve hours away, and although they were in no rush, both Hayley and Steve were eager to be back in their favourite city. It was the city where they met, the city they wandered around aimlessly, growing closer and closer together, but mostly it was the city where they felt at home. The last time they were here, everything felt so normal. Steve was visiting in between missions, Hayley was training and keeping herself busy, and neither of them imagined SHIELD and everything they believed in to be flipped upside down so suddenly.

"I can't keep doing that to them," Hayley shook her head, looking out the window as Steve drove them out onto the highway.

Steve's frown mirrored his confusion.

"Doing what?"

"Every time I come home they think that's gonna be the time I stay, that's gonna be the time I stop going back out, but I keep doing it. You saw how upset they were," she sighed, her heart aching at the memory of only twenty minutes ago. "Sometimes I think I shouldn't visit at all, no matter how much I want to."

"Hey, your parents know you better than you think," he assured. "You fought your whole life to be able to be out there protecting people, they know that."

"That only makes it worse," she shook her head. "They lost Nick, and they've almost lost me plenty of times since then. I just feel like the worst person when I leave. I know I'm hurting them and I...I just can't stop."

There was a beat of silence between them as they continued driving, the crackly radio static barely breaking through the quiet of the car.

"It won't always be like this," he offered, reaching over to take her hand in his own.

But neither of them knew that for sure. The world was an unpredictable place, and it seemed to be getting worse with every passing day. But Hayley needed to work on thinking of just today instead of months ahead. She couldn't get herself worked up over something that hadn't happened yet or might not even happen at all.

"This was meant to be our getaway, time just to ourselves," she sighed, squeezing his hand. "And all I've done is complain and mope."

"Hey, I think you've earned the right to complain about as much as you want,"

"It doesn't make me very fun to be around,"

"You're my favourite person to be around, period," Steve announced happily. "In every mood."

Hayley's lips quirked into a smile, pulling their hands up to press a kiss to Steve's.

"You're good at that," she chuckled.

"What?"

"Words," she shrugged, unable to find the write phrasing.

Steve chuckled.

"Good at words?"

"All the words," she agreed with a smile.

Hayley reached forward a few moments later to adjust the radio frequency, finally getting some music instead of static. Steve proudly pointed out all of the songs he knew, the songs that had been on his list for months now that he was working on. Every song he didn't know, Hayley would sing to him through laughter, watching his reaction to the crude lyrics.

Sometimes Hayley completely forgot that Steve was from another time, and it only took little moments like this to remember how new this all still was for him. This man could take down tactical teams on his own, take down aircrafts with his bare hands, but what he couldn't do was sing along to Baby Got Back.

"What time are we meeting Sam?" Hayley asked, handing Steve the final Twizzler while eating her own.

"Tomorrow at four, he'll let us know where," he explained, sighing as he looked ahead at the traffic banking up. "Is our exit coming up?"

"Yeah, Cleveland exit," Hayley pointed, the sign just peaking out around the bend where the traffic was heading.

Steve let out a small groan at the idea of sitting at a standstill for another hour. He reached back to rub the back of his neck, and Hayley knew it had been a good decision to stop for the night. They weren't in a rush, and they honestly both enjoyed their time of the road together. It wouldn't be like this again for a while, and they needed to take advantage of this time.

"You know, Cleveland has an art museum," she offered, a small grin on her lips. "I haven't got much to pick up at my apartment and we're meeting Sam later in the day, so..."

Steve looked over with a small, excited smile.

"You want to go to an art museum?"

"I appreciate art," she defended. "And I appreciate museums."

"We don't have to, I mean...I would probably get lost in there and spend hours looking-"

"Yes, we _do_ have to. This is the last of our normal time, the last of our 'pause'. We're going, okay?"

Steve turned to her, leaning in so Hayley could reach her lips to his and press a few kisses.

"One last normal morning, huh?"

* * *

 _Hey guys! Thanks for continuing to read. More exciting chapters to come as the hunt for Hydra and Bucky begins and Sam finally gets back into the story. Please leave a comment with any thoughts. xx_


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